#YouAreNotAlone

In the beginning first years of trying to conceive the loneliness of Infertility first began to sink in. Both of our siblings, many of our closest friends and coworkers started their families, and we felt completely alone in our journey. Little did we know then that 3 years later we'd still be on that journey, but we'd be anything but lonely...

Infertility can become an incredibly lonely and depressing disease. If you let it consume you it can destroy your soul. While so many around you start and continue to grow their families you can feel hopelessly alone, like no one can understand. And, truly, if they haven't been through it they just can't understand the heartbreak. 

In the beginning, we felt this. We felt so alone. We began to become disconnected and we each felt lonely even when we sat side by side. Infertility can also destroy relationships if you let it. Blame, misunderstanding, depression, feelings inadequacy, and anger can break even the strongest bonds. I blamed myself for our struggles and hated that my body could work like it should. Tyler couldn't understand how it felt to be the problem and couldn't figure out how to make me understand that he didn't blame me. I struggled emotionally. Tyler struggled spiritually. We were overwhelmed and hopelessly lonely.

But, ya know what? We weren't alone, and neither are you.

Soon, we realized that we were surrounded by family and friends who loved us, supported us, stood by us, prayed for us and hugged us. By opening up and starting this blog, I discovered an amazing community of men and women who knew exactly how I felt. We were introduced to new people who could relate and cultivated new friendships over joys and sorrows and tears.

Last, but never least, we came to know the Savior and the atonement in a way that made it impossible to ever feel alone again. His arms of grace encompassed us, and we were made whole.

We are not alone and friends, neither are you.

When you cry over another negative pregnancy test - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you feel defeated and discouraged - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you've spent more on trying to have babies than a new car - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When hope seems lost - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you are crazy from hormone meds and shots - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you lose the pregnancy you've long waited for - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you lose it over a pair of crib shoes in the baby department - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you are scared - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you are tired - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you want to give up - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When it seems like everyone is having babies but you - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

We are not alone. You are not alone. We are 1 in 8.

XO

His Grace Is Sufficient

Sometimes it takes a tumbling crash into the deepest pit of despair to truly discover our Savior and all His grace can do. 

This week was just such a tumble. I felt encircled in grief, loss, confusion, and depression. I felt weighted by lifes' loads, another failed month in trying to become a mother, and a new year of life to mark what I have yet to achieve. Suddenly I was hit with more emotion than I could handle, and I crumbled.

I felt defeated and unworthy of help out, but I Was Wrong.

Upon sinking to my lowest, in a dark place that promised me no hope or light, I once again discovered that there is no place we can hide from the light of our Savior. He always stands, ready to help us; we just have to reach up, take hold of his extended hand and He will always help us out.

After all, if anyone can understand the depths of our pains and the agony we feel in this life, it is our Savior. He suffered it all. And even our perfect Savior, before taking on all of our pains and sins, asked the Lord, "Father if thou be willing remove this cup from me..." So, it's okay if we feel overwhelmed and wish these pains we bear to be gone, but just like our Savior continued is his prayer to the Father, "nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" we must be willing to gather strength from the Lord and continue in what he asks of us when it is not yet time to have that cup removed.

Last Sunday we learned about Grace. Two incredible 12 year-old girls defined Grace as the enabling power from God to act and endure to the end. God's grace enables us, but with that enabling power we must ACT. The Savior reaches out to save us, but if we don't reach back and work, He cannot help us.

I am so grateful for the Grace of God. I am so grateful for an endlessly loving Savior and Heavenly Father who still offer me the enabling power to act and succeed, despite my daily faults. Christ said,

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

I think, at times, we take that scripture to mean that Christ will just take away our load, that he will no longer require that we carry any burdens. But the scripture doesn't say, Whenever life gets hard, I'll take away all your burdens and trials anf make your life easy. He tells us to take his yoke upon us, meaning it doesn't have to be our responsibility to carry the load alone, and once we yoke ourselves to the Savior, it will become easier and our burden will be made light. 

David Bednar said,

 "Sometimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness."

Trials, tribulations, depression, heartache, disease, mental illness and disabilities are burdens we carry in this life, but they are not meant to steal our happiness, but to make our happiness that much sweeter.

I said it before, and while I'm remembering it, I'll say it again, THIS IS STILL A GOOD LIFE!

His Grace is sufficient for me. It is more than sufficient for us all. We just have to act.

XO.

Happy Birthday, You're Not Pregnant

I wake up and look at my phone. My app tells me I have 3 days until my expected start date. There are also 3 days until my birthday.

I sit up and rub my eyes as I begin the usual, monthly battle with myself. My mind fights my heart, even though we know who will ultimately win. My damn heart always wins out over logic.

I walk into the bathroom and sigh as I unhappily unwrap one the many pregnancy tests I keep on hand. I look at myself angrily in the mirror, wishing I could stop myself from such self destruction,

but I sit and pee and wait.

*Rule number 1 of taking a pregnancy test: never look until all 3 minutes have past.

I wash my hands and face, brush my teeth, and spray dry shampoo in my hair. Finally, I chuck the stick with its single, strikingly pink line into the trash can.

"Happy birthday, you're not pregnant, again." I mutter to myself as I brush my hair.


In 3 days I will be 27 years old. I used to really like birthdays and getting older. I've always loved aging, growing wiser, gaining more smile lines that proved my life was happy. But this year, I want to pretend my birthday does not exist. I want to turn back the clock. I want to be 25 and pregnant again; not turning 27, childless. This is not how I ever imagined my life.

Why, as little girls, do we imagine such detailed plans for our lives? It must be how filled with hope we are when we are young, and that Carpe Diem project Mrs. Breaux had us do senior year. We hope for our futures by planning them in such a strict way that can only lead to disappointment.

Among planning to live next door to my best friend, and swapping last names by marrying each other's brothers (HA!), I would graduate from FIDM at the age of 21, start designing, find my perfect man and marry at 25, and be done having kids by the time I was 30. Well, my best friend and I got over our crushes on each other's brothers and haven't lived in the same state since high school. Upon learning that the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising cost about $20,000 a year, and realizing I could NOT draw or sketch, I gave up my dream of becoming a fashion designer. I got married at 22, and didn't graduate from Weber State University until a year and a half later. And at 27 years old, I am nowhere near knowing when or how Tyler and I will have children.

Suddenly 27 feels so close to 30, and 30 haunts me as the age all the books say it will only become harder to get pregnant. And I am left wondering, How can it be any harder than it is now? 

Because it is so hard.

It is hard to know what to feel, what to do, what to plan. I feel heartbroken every month that I throw another negative pregnancy test in the trash can, but when I pray I don't feel good about going back to the fertility clinic. I feel like our home is hollow and empty without children, but I love our life together right now. I feel anguish at others' pregnancy announcements, but I feel excitement for them too. I am constantly in emotional turmoil and, I must admit, I am exhausted.

This week I do not feel brave. I do not feel like I have any divine wisdom to share with any one who reads this. I feel weak and vulnerable and exhausted. I thought about keeping it to myself, but I thought I should share this side of the story, too.

I mean, I am real. And I feel.

I feel broken. I feel happy. I feel despondent. I feel positive. I feel hopeless. I feel conflicted. But I FEEL!

This life is about feeling things: good things and bad things. This life is about discovering feelings, overcoming feelings, being empowered by feelings.

Today is hard. This birthday is hard, and I have no idea how much harder is still ahead of us. But we have each other, and we endure the hard days, birthdays, holidays, all the days together.

Happy Birthday, you're not pregnant. Keep feeling.
XO

Desperately Pursuing Peace

No matter what trial you are facing, infertility or not, the end goal always seems to boil down to, ultimately, finding peace.

Am I right?

Life is full of trials. This earth life is a roller coaster of slow, tough climbs and exhilarating free-falls. It is constant for us all. No one is immune- no matter what their life looks like on Facebook! For me, anyways, it always feels like just at the moment I think I've finally found steady ground, at last, I'll soon find myself desperately seeking peace once again.

Honestly, there are days I love this life. I really do! I love evenings and outings, alone with Tyler. I love spontaneous campouts, dates and ice cream runs without worrying about loading a baby in a car seat or finding a sitter. I love my freedom and no one depending on me for their every need. And if I'm totally and selfishly honest, I love Tyler's uninterrupted attention. 4 1/2 years later, I still feel like we are newlyweds. Our life really is beautiful, when I count my blessings and pay close attention. If I stop, breathe deeply, and take inventory, my life really isn't so bad.

But there are so many days I don't see how beautiful life still is. All I notice is how void our home is of tiny hands and feet racing up and down the halls. I long to see toys scattered throughout the living room and vacuum Cheerio crumbs out of the carpet. I long for tired, late night feedings and sleep deprived, exhausted days. I long to snuggle and read bedtime stories. I long to see Tyler softened and changed by fatherhood.

On those trying days when my heart aches for motherhood and I fiercely miss the baby I never got to hold, I find myself on a desperate quest to find peace with the life I have been given.

On just such a day, the Lord recognized my need, and I stumbled upon Psalms 34:

14 Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it. 

18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth [them] out of them all.

22 The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in Him shall be desolate. 

So, because I'm a nerd, I then searched seek and pursue in the dictionary:

seek [seek]

verb (used with object), sought, seeking.

1. to go in search or quest of.

pursue [per-soo]

verb (used with object), pursued, pursuing.

1. to follow in order to overtake, capture, etc.; chase.

We can't just long and hope for peace. Sitting on your pitty pot and telling God to give you peace will never yield peace. It doesn't work that way, kids. And it is not enough to just go in search of peace either, we must chase after it and capture it. We must act!

Folks, that is my problem; I seek peace, but I don't pursue it. So, from now on, I vow to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and desperately pursue peace like my life depends on it. Many are my afflictions, but the Lord will deliver me out of them all. And with my trust in Him while I pursue peace, I shall not be desolate.

If you want peace, for the love of all that is holy, MAKE PEACE! Take inventory, count your blessings, repair your relationships, forgive others, ask for forgiveness, read scriptures, talk with God daily, listen to what he has to say, be a friend, give service, spend more time with the ones you love, keep a journal, cultivate your talents; whatever is good for your soul- do that, and you will capture peace.

Amen.

XO

You Might be Infertile if...

You might be infertile...

if you pee on sticks & in cups on a far too regular basis.

if wayyyy too many people know about your sex life.

if wayyyy too many doctors & nurses have seen your lady bits, & you stopped caring a long time ago.

if you take your pants off in any doctor's office, even if no one has asked you to.

if you've become unphased by intravaginal ultrasounds.

if you've ever had an intimate moment with a cup.

if you've ever had to carry a cup of your swimmers into the lab at the hospital & had to fill out the awkward, page long intake form with questions like, "What kind of specimen are you dropping off today?" "How long ago was the sperm collected?" "Before this collection, when was your last ejaculation?" "How was this ejaculate collected?" etc. **By the way, who knew there were so many ways to collect sperm in a cup?!

if you have ever had an ultrasound on your scrotum.

if your sex life is planned by an ovulation calendar.

if your doctor has ever prescribed intercourse.

if you have ever cried after said Dr. prescribed, lame, timed intercourse.

if you've ever been bat shit crazy on fertility meds- yes, that is the technical, medical term.

if your experiments with sex positions are determined by likelihood of conception.

if you have ever laid with four pillows under your butt & your feet over your head after sex in hopes that somehow you've created the perfect downward slope for those swimmers to make it to your lazy eggs.

if you've ever ugly cried in the baby department.

if you've ever yelled obscenities at your ovaries.

if you've ever apologized to your ovaries out of fear that you angered them even more.

if you can't believe all the money you wasted on birth control before trying to get pregnant.

if you've googled ancient fertility methods in the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep & have almost considered putting a date in your vagina in hopes the Egyptians knew something about curing sterility.

if your ovaries have to be coxed by drugs and shots of HCG to wake up and release eggs.

if your eggs are slightly mature for their age.

if you used to think having twins would be a horror, but you're starting to not hate the idea.

if you've ever wanted to punch someone who complains about how hard it is to NOT get pregnant.

if Walgreens always prints you ovulation & pregnancy test coupons, based on your frequent purchases.

if you've ever just thought, "I give up! I'll have a hysterectomy & just adopt!"

Happy Monday, infertiles everywhere!

XO

Let's Stop Downplaying Mental Illness

At one point or another in your life you have probably been sad, really sad. You have probably experienced disappointment, death of a loved one or failed at something that really upset you. What you may not have experienced is depression. You may have nonchalantly said, "I'm so depressed" at some point in your life when you momentarily suffered sadness, but you probably don't really know what it means. Because if you have actually been "so depressed" then you know there is nothing momentary about it.

Maybe you know someone, are married to someone, or are related to someone who actually suffers from real, chronic depression. Maybe you have thought, Why don't they just have a more positive attitude? Why are they such a downer? Why can't they just stop? Maybe you have said to someone, "Just stop being so sad," "You just need to be more positive," or the worst, "If you'd pray more you would just be happy."

Mental illness is, well, AN ILLNESS. When someone is diagnosed with cancer and can't get out of bed, no one thinks, Why don't they just get up? Or says, "Have you tried just not having cancer?" But we downplay mental illness like its not a real disease, because if you haven't actually suffered it you just can't understand it. You can't understand the crippling effects of depression or anxiety. You can't understand the constant negative, terrifying thoughts or the inability to find joy or motivation in anything.

Although, I've never had cancer and I still know it must be hell. As a society we are quick to sympathize when it comes to diseases we can see, but quicker to judge diseases of the mind. It must stop. Let's stop downplaying Mental Illness.

• Suicide takes the lives of nearly 40,000 Americans every year. (save.org)
• Globally, more than 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression. (dosomething.org)
• 1 in 5 adults experiences a mental health condition every year. 1 in 20 lives with a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. (nami.org)
• 50% of mental health conditions begin by age 14 and 75% of mental health conditions develop by age 24. (nami.org)
• PTSD affects about 7.7 million Americans (nami.org)
• When experiencing an [depressive] episode, teens have an increased risk for suicide. In fact, suicide is the third-leading cause of death among children aged 15-19. (nami.org)
• People with eating disorders often have additional illnesses: Depression, Anxiety disorders, Borderline personality disorder, Obsessive-compulsive disorder (nami.org)

I have battled depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder since my late teens. There were days I simply wished I didn't have to get out of bed and face the day, and days I just wanted to die. Don't tell me it isn't real. Don't tell me I could've changed that with a more positive attitude. Don't tell me I didn't have enough faith in God or I just didn't pray enough. Don't downplay my mental illness, or anyone else's.

Because it is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, that's what I want to talk about. As I struggled under the weight of mental illness, I fell victim to Anorexia. It was an addiction that wrecked years of my life, and has become a battle I will fight for all my life.

GirlZone posted a great article titled Almost Anorexic. You should definitely go read it, but this was the part that inspired my thoughts today: 

"While most mental illnesses elicit empathy, anorexia nervosa is often met with envy (“You are so thin!”) and sometimes doubt (“Why don't you just eat?”)... Why does a serious, life-threatening illness with one of the highest mortality rates of any psychiatric disorder inspire such cachet and even skepticism?...you surely haven't heard someone say, “Why don't you just stop having cancer?”"

If you are "Almost" Anorexic, you fall under the diagnosis of Other Specific Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED), meaning you meet much of the Anorexia Nervosa criteria, except being underweight. Most people suffering eating disorders are not visibly and dangerously underweight. Despite the the implications of the word almost, anorexia is anorexia, and being "Almost" Anorexic does not mean you have "failed" in becoming a full blown Anorexic, or that you can't or don't need help because haven't "achieved" the diagnosis definition of Anorexia Nervosa. 

I repeat, LET'S STOP DOWNPLAYING MENTAL ILLNESS!

If you know someone who is restricting, binging or purging, talk to them. Help them get help. Love them. Get educated. Don't downplay it. 

If you're restricting, binging, or purging (bulimia) you are at risk! You have an eating disorder. Don't downplay it. You need help. Get help. Love yourself. Be brave. You can, I promise.


XO.