I Am Grateful.

I am grateful.

I can sincerely say those are the three hardest words we can use to describe our most difficult trials. Being thankful while we endure some of life's most difficult challenges can seem impossible, but I actually am. I am grateful.

I am grateful for the years we struggled to conceive. I am grateful for my first, albeit short, pregnancy with Boston. I am grateful for this pregnancy and so grateful for Max.

I'm not going to lie to you and say this is all easy and I love it, cause that just isn't true. It, obviously, hasn't been an easy journey and, of course, I haven't always loved it. Infertility was hard on my self worth, on our marriage, and on our souls. Experiencing miscarriage was physically and emotionally more painful than I could have ever imagined. Even now, I can tell you I don't even always love being pregnant- I mean would you love puking for 3 months, peeing your pants when you sneeze, having burning acid reflux 24/7, and steadily packing on the pounds at an alarming rate? Yeah, it's not always the best. And on top of it all, my sweet baby boy is up against some scary odds. Sure, there is plenty to complain about. Some may even think that's all you can do. Everything just sucks and that's it. 

But I just can't feel that way. Despite all the hard things. I can't help but feel so grateful for all of it. Sure, life might be so much easier if we would've just easily had a healthy baby years ago. But that isn't our story. And in the time since we started this journey I have learned so much more about myself, about Tyler, about love, about God, about my testimony, and about how blessings come in all ways, shapes and sizes. How could I say I wish it had all never happened? How could I wish away my faith, my blessings, my strengthened marriage, my knowledge and my testimony just because things were hard? How could I wish away my babies? How could I not be grateful for all of it?

It's a lot like pregnancy. Pregnancy is the most amazing, awful, beautiful, disgusting, magical and weird experience. My body is doing incredible and strange things to grow this small, miraculous human. I am in awe and totally freaked out. I'll take the lack of sleep, the struggle to find clothes that fit, the puking, the growth pains and the charlie horses! I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY! It is all worth it to just get him here. To just see him. Even when he's kicking me in the bladder or grinding his little head into my cervix, I'm amazed that he's in there, growing inside me. And I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

I am grateful. 

Even though Max has presented us with a new challenge, I cannot suddenly say he isn't a blessing. Just because this will be tough, doesn't mean he is suddenly not a miracle. He is a blessing and miracle even more to me now! He is everything! Tyler and I are so in love with him and so grateful. His conditions cannot change that. We know this is not a curse. Heavenly Father isn't punishing us or punishing Max. This is a blessing! Max is a blessing and his life is a blessing. Max is even MORE special to me know. He has the most gigantic spirit that is so filled with love. Carrying him is an honor. Getting to be his mother is an honor. No trial can change that.

As someone once said, trials are just difficult blessings. This will be a hard, but incredibly blessed, journey for our family.

And I am grateful.

XO, Brit

Gratitude

Thomas S. Monson has said, "A grateful heart comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives."

My heart is filled to bursting with gratitude today, and I must share it with all of you. I cannot sit back, as I am abundantly blessed and not thank God and all the angels he has put in place in our lives. 

Our dear friend Megan informed us the other night that she wanted to start a GoFundMe account for us and baby Max. She knows that we have a long road ahead of us with Max, and while we do not yet know everything we will have to face, we do know that there will be many expenses. We were so touched by her amazing gesture, but it made Tyler and I uncomfortable and embarrassed. I could think of SO many other people who could use that kind of help so much more than us. I just didn't know how to feel about this. She assured us it was how she wanted to help, and so it was posted. The words she wrote about us were beyond the sweetest and kindest that anyone could ever say. Those words, and the act alone of her creating and sharing the account was enough to make us feel so loved, but then...

Friends, family, and others started sharing it as well. More beautiful and kind words about Tyler, Max, and I were expressed. We were so moved. We were more than overwhelmed by the love that we felt pouring over us. I could not believe the generosity. I could not believe how people spoke of us and donated to us. 

Our cup, seriously, runner over.  I have never felt so humbled. I have never felt so surrounded by the arms of God through my relationships with others. 

Through all that we have endured you all have loved us, supported us, shared our story, hugged us, prayed for us, fasted for us, given us gifts, given Max gifts, and now even this. It is all just so incredible. It is all so amazing. Each of you make us want to be better people, better family. better friends. We hope to find some way to thank you all individually for all you have done. 

But please know that we are so SO grateful to each of you. We love you so much. Max is so blessed to have so many people praying for him and rooting for him. And we are so blessed to know you all. We thank our Lord for giving us family and friends who are ever-present angels in our lives. We pray that he blesses each of you for all you do for us. 

xo

MRI results

MRI results, in the simplest form I can try to relay them:

1. Severe asymmetric ventriculomegaly (fluid on the brain, and significantly more than was there at 20 weeks)

2. Cervical meningocele (spina bifida) at the cranial vertebral junction.

3. Microphthalmia with tiny dysplastic left eye (extremely underdeveloped)

4. Cleft lip and palate.

At the ultrasound yesterday they were also able to see that his heart is slightly facing the wrong direction. And, of course, we know about his clubbed foot. 

The discovery of his tiny dysplastic eye brought greater concern about genetic abnormalities. One too many birth defects is cause for concern that the problem could lie in his chromosome makeup. With this knowledge and encouragement from the doctors, we are reconsidering having the amniocentesis done to determine what we are up against. 

We will be set up with neurologists at Primary Children's Hospital, and hopefully get an appointment in 2 weeks. We will discuss with them if there are any options for surgery or help they can offer Max's condition. Based on what we are able to find out there will help us decide the next step and creating a plan. If there are things we can do for him surgically, that offer him some form of quality life for some time then we would want to have an amniocentesis to determine if, genetically, he is compatible with life. If he is we can make plans to deliver at the University of Utah, where he can be taken to Primary's immediately for surgeries.

If he isn't compatible with life, or if the neurologists don't see a good outcome for his condition, we could opt to have me deliver at our local hospital and enjoy however much time the Lord gives us with Max.

So, for now, we wait for our appointment with Neurology. 

Let me be honest with you, people. I do not feel brave. I do not feel amazing.

I feel overwhelmed. And anxious. And SO tired.

I also feel completely in love with this wiggly baby boy growing inside of me. I am not anxious about being Max's mom. Getting the opportunity to be his mother will be the greatest honor of my life. And I'm certainly not worried about Tyler being Max's Dad. Hello, if you know Tyler at all you know he is the perfect Dad for the job.

What I'm worried about, what I am most scared of, is having so little time with Max. The conditions that he faces are so, extremely serious. Even with miracles I very well believe can happen, he is still going to have a lot of problems. And it is likely that his time with us could be very short. Now, I don't know what "short" means when it comes to a lifetime. Hours? Days? Months? Years? But when you are a parent, anything less than your own lifetime is just too short for your child.

I wasn't alive yet when my parents lost Shaun. Their firstborn son died, unexpectedly, at just a few months old. I spent many Sunday afternoons growing up looking through Shaun's photo album, staring at the pictures of that tiny casket and the sweet, sleep-like baby in the little sailor outfit that lay inside. No matter what sadness I had endured then I could not begin to imagine how that must have felt for my parents. What kind of indescribable pain bursts in your heart when you bury your baby? Now, my fear is that I may just have to find out what that pain feels like.

The Lord has made us strong, stronger that we could ever be on our own. I know He will continue to carry us and hold us up as we faithfully endure the trials that come. 

But, gosh, I just don't know. If I'm just totally honest. I just don't feel ready for that. I'm ready for any challenges of parenthood and raising a child with special needs. I'll take it. I'll do it! I can do it. I know I can do this if he survives. If he survives we will love him and help him and get him through whatever comes. But if he doesn't?? Oh, I just don't know.

So, what do I know? I know that the Lord love us. I know that whatever is meant for Max's life we will accept, despite the pain. I know that Tyler and I can do anything, get through anything together when we are teamed with our Lord and our Savior. I know that no matter how inadequate I feel for this challenge, somehow Heavenly Father will make me adequate. I know that families are forever, and even if we lose this sweet boy at some point, we will be together again in Heaven someday. 

I know that we are loved and prayed for by many, and we hope you all know how grateful we are for that. 

Just keep praying.

XO