Gratitude

Thomas S. Monson has said, "A grateful heart comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives."

My heart is filled to bursting with gratitude today, and I must share it with all of you. I cannot sit back, as I am abundantly blessed and not thank God and all the angels he has put in place in our lives. 

Our dear friend Megan informed us the other night that she wanted to start a GoFundMe account for us and baby Max. She knows that we have a long road ahead of us with Max, and while we do not yet know everything we will have to face, we do know that there will be many expenses. We were so touched by her amazing gesture, but it made Tyler and I uncomfortable and embarrassed. I could think of SO many other people who could use that kind of help so much more than us. I just didn't know how to feel about this. She assured us it was how she wanted to help, and so it was posted. The words she wrote about us were beyond the sweetest and kindest that anyone could ever say. Those words, and the act alone of her creating and sharing the account was enough to make us feel so loved, but then...

Friends, family, and others started sharing it as well. More beautiful and kind words about Tyler, Max, and I were expressed. We were so moved. We were more than overwhelmed by the love that we felt pouring over us. I could not believe the generosity. I could not believe how people spoke of us and donated to us. 

Our cup, seriously, runner over.  I have never felt so humbled. I have never felt so surrounded by the arms of God through my relationships with others. 

Through all that we have endured you all have loved us, supported us, shared our story, hugged us, prayed for us, fasted for us, given us gifts, given Max gifts, and now even this. It is all just so incredible. It is all so amazing. Each of you make us want to be better people, better family. better friends. We hope to find some way to thank you all individually for all you have done. 

But please know that we are so SO grateful to each of you. We love you so much. Max is so blessed to have so many people praying for him and rooting for him. And we are so blessed to know you all. We thank our Lord for giving us family and friends who are ever-present angels in our lives. We pray that he blesses each of you for all you do for us. 

xo

For the Love of FRIENDS

For some reason this week has been extraordinarily hard.

It was round 3 of Meds week, and Femara is exhausting. I was in a zombie-like sleep state most of the days. Monday-Thursday I was late to work from either over sleeping or having to pull over, get out and jump around in the cold to get awake enough to drive. Every morning I stretched my eyes as wide as I could and drove with the windows down, and still nearly fell asleep while driving :/

By Thursday night I was so glad to just go hang out at the Lees'. We went to Logan to see our dear friends and their new baby. Tyler and Darren took the 2 older kids trick-or-treating while Larynn and I passed out candy and mooned over baby Nora. She is so beautiful. It's heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time. 

While we drove home, I broke down and told Tyler how down I had been feeling all week. I felt like I was reaching my breaking point. I have been struggling because I feel as if I'm reaching the limit of what I can handle, yet I have no inclination that our trial is even near being over. I feel strongly like we still have a long road ahead and more lessons to learn. 

The more discouraged I felt, the more I started letting the darkness in.

"You're not good enough."

"Your body is broken."

"Tyler can't be a daddy because of you."

"Where is God?"

I knew I shouldn't, but I let every dark whisper sink in and define me. I wanted to crawl into bed, pull up the covers and never come out. 

We got home and I called my Mom. 

{Aren't Moms the best?? I'm so lucky to have both my Mom and my Mother-in-law as two of my very best friends.}

So, my sweet Mom listened, loved, advised, and praised. She is one amazing woman- so much more than I deserve. How grateful I am that she would stay up so late to just be there for me. I adore her! Thank the Lord for phones, because I miss my mother terribly even with daily phone calls.

I finally crawled into bed around midnight. Tyler was fast asleep. I woke him up for a hug. He held me tight while I cried. I asked him for a Blessing and he gave me some beautiful guidance and peace. When I fell I finally fell asleep it was the most relaxing and sound sleep I'd had all week. I woke up feel refreshed and ready to take on the day. 

THEN I got to work and was greeted with a customer who wanted to know why I wasn't having kids, "Aren't you going to have kids yet? You shouldn't wait too long or you'll be too old. I know it seems good to wait, but I did and I regret it."

Thanks for making me feel worse, lady.

But, ya know what, I think I needed her to push me over the edge I was lingering on...

I vented on Facebook, and discovered how very blessed I am. Just when I was drowning in the depths of darkness, Heavenly Father sent in all my angels to lift me up. I am so incredibly and insanely blessed with the most outstanding friends. I don't know how I got so lucky! It is because of all of YOU that Tyler and I are surviving and powering through our greatest trial. We feel your love and your prayers and we are so grateful! I don't even know how I could find a way to thank each of you properly. So, just know that I love you and appreciate you and I thank the Lord for your friendship. I needed to hear all your loving words today and know that I can keep going. 

so much love to all of you. 

XO