It was round 3 of Meds week, and Femara is exhausting. I was in a zombie-like sleep state most of the days. Monday-Thursday I was late to work from either over sleeping or having to pull over, get out and jump around in the cold to get awake enough to drive. Every morning I stretched my eyes as wide as I could and drove with the windows down, and still nearly fell asleep while driving :/
By Thursday night I was so glad to just go hang out at the Lees'. We went to Logan to see our dear friends and their new baby. Tyler and Darren took the 2 older kids trick-or-treating while Larynn and I passed out candy and mooned over baby Nora. She is so beautiful. It's heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time.
While we drove home, I broke down and told Tyler how down I had been feeling all week. I felt like I was reaching my breaking point. I have been struggling because I feel as if I'm reaching the limit of what I can handle, yet I have no inclination that our trial is even near being over. I feel strongly like we still have a long road ahead and more lessons to learn.
The more discouraged I felt, the more I started letting the darkness in.
"You're not good enough."
"Your body is broken."
"Tyler can't be a daddy because of you."
"Where is God?"
I knew I shouldn't, but I let every dark whisper sink in and define me. I wanted to crawl into bed, pull up the covers and never come out.
We got home and I called my Mom.
{Aren't Moms the best?? I'm so lucky to have both my Mom and my Mother-in-law as two of my very best friends.}
So, my sweet Mom listened, loved, advised, and praised. She is one amazing woman- so much more than I deserve. How grateful I am that she would stay up so late to just be there for me. I adore her! Thank the Lord for phones, because I miss my mother terribly even with daily phone calls.
I finally crawled into bed around midnight. Tyler was fast asleep. I woke him up for a hug. He held me tight while I cried. I asked him for a Blessing and he gave me some beautiful guidance and peace. When I fell I finally fell asleep it was the most relaxing and sound sleep I'd had all week. I woke up feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.
THEN I got to work and was greeted with a customer who wanted to know why I wasn't having kids, "Aren't you going to have kids yet? You shouldn't wait too long or you'll be too old. I know it seems good to wait, but I did and I regret it."
Thanks for making me feel worse, lady.
But, ya know what, I think I needed her to push me over the edge I was lingering on...
I vented on Facebook, and discovered how very blessed I am. Just when I was drowning in the depths of darkness, Heavenly Father sent in all my angels to lift me up. I am so incredibly and insanely blessed with the most outstanding friends. I don't know how I got so lucky! It is because of all of YOU that Tyler and I are surviving and powering through our greatest trial. We feel your love and your prayers and we are so grateful! I don't even know how I could find a way to thank each of you properly. So, just know that I love you and appreciate you and I thank the Lord for your friendship. I needed to hear all your loving words today and know that I can keep going.
so much love to all of you.
XO
