Why You Should Marry Your Best Friend

In college, I hated dating. It was the worst! It is awkward and uncomfortable and the worst part of the young adult experience.

Honestly, in my life, I have only been on a few awkward first dates, but that was enough for me to figure out I hated it. There are long silences waiting to be filled with useless comments about the weather and what you are studying in school. And you feel so unsure of what to say (or if you're supposed to pay for your own bowling shoes?) because it is a date and you are supposed to be charming and trying to impress this person for God only knows what reasons. And when very little common ground in uncovered the date ends in a fizzle, and you are left with  nothing but a story about that one guy who took you to his mom's house to play board games with a bunch of engaged couples and tried to hold your hand at Applebees...  Not  e v e n  kidding.

This is why I am truly convinced there is no better way to fall in love than to just fall in love with your best friend.

Ya see, when you are just friends with someone, they get to know you in the most neutral, unintimidating environments. You are yourself, because friends don't care if you're wearing enough makeup or if your outfit is just right. Friends don't judge you if you sit on your kitchen countertop and pig out on pizza in your pajamas after midnight. They join you! And when you eat pizza in your PJs with this dude, he sees who you really are. He gets to know you with all your guards down. When you're not busy trying to be impressively "date worthy" is when you'll impress him the most. 

So, then at long last, when the electricity starts to buzz and you suddenly kiss, you'll be past all that awkward first dates business and know this friend better than you know yourself. And when you snort a little when you laugh after this surprising first kiss, he'll laugh too, because he already knows you snort! And he'll kiss your nose and tell you it's cute. And you won't even be embarrassed. And the love will just follow, effortlessly.

So, my advice? Make friends, and then make out with them ;)  Ha! But for real...

Stop going on awkward dates trying to impress people that are probably a waste of time, and just start looking for your best friend. That's who you want to spend forever with anyway.

I've been best friends with Ty for the last 8 years, and 5 of those have been as husband and wife. We have the most ridiculous amount of fun together, and would rather be together more than with anyone else.

He's the peanut butter to my jelly and all I've ever needed.

Love you, Tyler Jay! Happy National Best Friends Day!

I love September

*Deep sigh* The best month of the year has arrived. I love September. It represents the best beginning of my life.

The leaves are going to start changing colors. The air will get crisp, and we'll get gas station hot chocolate. That fall smell will fill the air. Cardigans, flannel shirts and slouchy beanies will make their way out of my closet. We'll celebrate Tyler's birthday, when we met and our wedding anniversary. We might even get our first snowfall. 

7 years and 2 weeks ago, I moved into my room at 3456 Iowa Avenue. It was the start of my 2nd year at WSU. There were 2 other empty rooms upstairs with me, and a few weeks later (cue September!) Lindsay Lula moved in. We instantly became attached at the hip and, one day, her friend Tyler King came to visit.

There was something about hanging out with Tyler that made me forget the seriousness of life and adulthood. He was 20 years old, didn't go to school and worked all night so he could play all day. He played the guitar, rock climbed, and loved to longboard. He drove an old Ford truck that he was always having to fix. It had a bench seat, and there was something great about the way he would pull me over to the middle and wrap his arm so tight around me. That semester of school was the most exhausting and most fun of all my college years.

We became best friends so fast, it was dizzying. He had just received his mission call, and in December he would leave for 2 years. I was waiting for a missionary that I was sure I would marry. So, we decided there was no harm in hanging out since neither of us expected much of the other.

At that time, Tyler was the kind of guy you dated just for fun. He wasn't serious about anything! I mean, we had our first kiss in our friend's living room while he played Grand Theft Auto. He paused the game, we kissed, and then he resumed stealing cars and running over pedestrians. We hung out every day, and talked on the phone all night. I don't ever remember sleeping. And I don't remember missing sleep either. He made everything exciting and made you feel like the world was a playground. He had no plans for the future, except maybe to be a professional rock climber or longboarder, which is totally hot to a 19 year old girl. He didn't see a future with me either, which meant he wouldn't "waste money on someone else's wife." Tyler only asked me along to places where he could get in for free and get free food and, to his credit, he was highly connected and you would be amazed how many free activities and meals he could get. Tyler was so much fun and he was my best friend.

However, Tyler did have these moments when he became the guy that was hard to resist...

The first snowfall of the season may not hit the valley, but usually sprinkles the mountains like powdered sugar. It was only my second year in Utah, so snow was still new and completely magical to me (It still is.) This particular day was no exception. I was just dying to see the snow in the mountains up close. I was a poor college girl without a car. So, that day Tyler picked me up from work and drove me up to Powder Mountain to play in the snow. I think I probably fell a little in love with him that day.

To put it simply, I was pretty clueless that September. I had no idea who I was. I acted like I did, like I had it all together. Truth be told, I was just a girl fighting to to keep my head above water. I was still sinking in the depths of my eating disorder, with an awfully tainted self-image. But Tyler King kind of saved me. He taught me so much. He made me realize what I was worth and what I deserved. Tyler was the kind of happiness you only get from a warm fire on a fall night, from the orange and red leaves, from gas station hot chocolate. He was like the first snowfall in September. 

He started this beautiful beginning we didn't even know was happening. That September would be the beginning of a life we didn't even know we would have. 

So, you see, how can I not love September?

XO.

Happy Father's Day to Boston's Daddy

My dearest Tyler, my little Boston’s Daddy.

I can’t believe in just a month we would have been welcoming that little miracle. Who knew something so small could be so missed? That sweet little baby stole our hearts with that fluttery heartbeat. I saw it in your eyes that moment we stared at the the ultrasound screen- that was the moment you really became a Daddy. Suddenly this little life needed you, and you knew it. I saw you change right then and there. Suddenly, you were a whole new man, and I fell hopelessly in love all over again. I can’t wait to thank Boston for that someday, for giving me that. For the 3 months of my pregnancy, and all the months since, you have been an incredible Dad. You rubbed my little belly when I felt sick. You talked to my little bump, even when I told you the baby couldn’t hear yet. You told me I was beautiful when I felt like crap. You ran to the store or on crazy errands for weird cravings. You stood by my side, and you wiped my tears away when we found out we were losing the baby. You held me close and cried just as much as I did. That’s how I knew you loved that little miracle just as much as I did. And now, I have been blessed to watch you as fatherhood has changed you. It has made you a better husband and an amazing uncle. The love you have for our nephews, and babies in general, is absolutely fun to watch; I cannot get enough of it. 
Someday we will have a baby here with us, and you will be incredible! Our son will want to be just like you. Our daughter will fall in love with you. But, for now, you are an amazing father to that sweet angel who stole our hearts with that fluttering heartbeat. And, for now, that’s all we need. I could never have survived this journey if it weren't for your love. You give me strength when I can’t stand on my own. You love me through our hardest times. You are more than I ever could have imagined for myself and my children. I love you forever and always, to infinity and beyond, Tyler King.

What Boston Taught Me

To our sweet miracle baby, Boston:

I will forever be grateful for all that you taught me in the short time I had to carry you in my womb. Even though I will not get to hold you in my arms, I will always carry you in my heart. 

You taught me that the Lord hears and answers prayers:

For 2 years we hoped and prayed to start a family. In October, as the 2 year mark fast approached, I felt the weight of infertility crushing me and my grasp on hope was loosening. I prayed to Heavenly Father with all my heart to be pregnant. I felt like I would completely lose all hope if I had to go into 2014 still trying. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of my sanity, but I felt God promise me he wouldn't push me past my limits. The next month, we found out that we were, finally, pregnant with you! Now, we knew that we COULD get pregnant! We knew that Heavenly Father had heard our pleas, and he had blessed us.

You taught me about true love and how to feel pure joy:

When I married your Daddy I thought nothing in this life could feel happier than that, and that I could never be more in love than I was that day. Well, when those 2 blue lines told me you were part of our family, when we heard your heartbeat, when my bump started to show, I couldn't even begin to find words to describe the joy that filled my heart. And Daddy and Mommy fell more deeply in love with each other, because we fell hopelessly in love with you. Just 2 days before we found out we lost you, Daddy had swung me into his arms and swore he had never been so happy in his entire life, and that I had never been so beautiful. Thank you for that, baby.

You taught me to be brave:

For the first time in my entire life I wasn't afraid. For once I didn't let stresses or worries get in my way. I enjoyed every moment that I carried you! I fearlessly believed that I had nothing to worry about. I never once worried I would lose you.

At first, when we found out we lost you, I felt guilty. I felt like I should have known. I thought I was a terrible mother, How does a mom not even know her baby died? But I came to realize that had I known and spent what little time we had worrying, like I normally do, I would have never enjoyed my 12 weeks of pregnancy. Oh, I enjoyed it so much! It was beautiful and amazing. I can't believe I ever thought for a moment that I was showing too early. Now, I am so grateful for my little bump that meant I had you growing inside me at one time. 

You taught me to believe:

More than ever, without a doubt, I know that God exists. The ability to create life is a remarkable gift from God. How else could it be that you formed from this tiny part of Dad and this tiny part of Mom? It is absolutely by divine design. As my body started to change, I felt so much closer to the Lord and believed in Him so much more. 

You taught me about Miracles:

You are the greatest miracle of our lives! You came in to our family just when we needed you and, even though you couldn't stay, we will always be grateful you came. 

You taught me about my Savior:

Losing you was both the worst and most spiritual experience of my life. I felt my Savior by my side every second that my heart was breaking. He picked up the pieces of Mommy and Daddy's hearts and put us back together. His atonement lessened our suffering and freed us from the anguish of guilt and anger. His love helped us survive. 

Baby Boston, I carry you in my heart forever. I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned from you. I know that is why you came. You came to teach me; to make me better. 

Love,

Mommy

I'm thankful for my trials!

I have been participating in the "30 Days of Thankful" on facebook and instagram. I started it here on my blog with my post about being thankful for all of our AWESOME friends. I have posted serious gratitude for my amazing husband and our sweet parents. I have posted funnies like, today, I'm thankful that Lyss taught me to cut out snowflakes- Yes, I really didn't know how. No, it is NOT easy ;)

As this month bursts with pant seams and gratitude I am reminded that, as we struggle through the greatest trial of our life, I must reiterate how truly THANKFUL I am for this experience. I still wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And our two years and a few thousand dollars is no comparison to those that struggle for longer for tens of thousands of dollars. I pray, cry, send love, and tip my hat to all of you!!

However, as hard (understatement) as these last two years have been I must say that I see the Lord's hand in my life and I thank him for what I have learned, the blessings I have seen, and the love I have felt. It doesn't mean I'm not sad sometimes, because my heart sometimes absolutely breaks in two. It means that the Lord has blessed me to see my loving family and who my true friends are, those who grab my heart and hold it together when I cannot.

I am thankful that I have learned more than ever to turn to the scriptures for guidance. The words of Christ and his prophets bring peace to my soul.

I am thankful for prayer and the joy that is felt from communicating with my Father in Heaven.

I am thankful that the past two years have brought Tyler and I closer together. He has never made me feel inferior and stops me from blaming myself. I know more than ever the strength of his love for me and I will have to live a thousand more years to even try to convey that same love in return.

I am thankful for parents that love, guide, and protect us even when we are fully grown. They hold out their open arms when we fall apart, and like children again, we curl up in their love. In seeing this we have learned the love and wisdom it takes to be parents, and I am forever grateful.

I am thankful for the opportunity to be an aunt before being a mom. I have the opportunity to completely spoil and dote on 2 (one is on his way) baby boys.

I am thankful for finding the Reproductive Care Center ! I feel so grateful to be under the care of a clinic and doctor who truly care about me. I know that with their help we will be able to get through this and have a family.

These are just a few of the MANY things I am thankful for thanks to this trial. So, even if you are facing something awful right now. Step back and see if you can look for the blessings. I promise they are there. I promise Heavenly Father is there for you and wants what is best for you. He has a GREAT plan. We just have to wait for it.

Much Love.
Be thankful.

XO

For the Love of FRIENDS

For some reason this week has been extraordinarily hard.

It was round 3 of Meds week, and Femara is exhausting. I was in a zombie-like sleep state most of the days. Monday-Thursday I was late to work from either over sleeping or having to pull over, get out and jump around in the cold to get awake enough to drive. Every morning I stretched my eyes as wide as I could and drove with the windows down, and still nearly fell asleep while driving :/

By Thursday night I was so glad to just go hang out at the Lees'. We went to Logan to see our dear friends and their new baby. Tyler and Darren took the 2 older kids trick-or-treating while Larynn and I passed out candy and mooned over baby Nora. She is so beautiful. It's heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time. 

While we drove home, I broke down and told Tyler how down I had been feeling all week. I felt like I was reaching my breaking point. I have been struggling because I feel as if I'm reaching the limit of what I can handle, yet I have no inclination that our trial is even near being over. I feel strongly like we still have a long road ahead and more lessons to learn. 

The more discouraged I felt, the more I started letting the darkness in.

"You're not good enough."

"Your body is broken."

"Tyler can't be a daddy because of you."

"Where is God?"

I knew I shouldn't, but I let every dark whisper sink in and define me. I wanted to crawl into bed, pull up the covers and never come out. 

We got home and I called my Mom. 

{Aren't Moms the best?? I'm so lucky to have both my Mom and my Mother-in-law as two of my very best friends.}

So, my sweet Mom listened, loved, advised, and praised. She is one amazing woman- so much more than I deserve. How grateful I am that she would stay up so late to just be there for me. I adore her! Thank the Lord for phones, because I miss my mother terribly even with daily phone calls.

I finally crawled into bed around midnight. Tyler was fast asleep. I woke him up for a hug. He held me tight while I cried. I asked him for a Blessing and he gave me some beautiful guidance and peace. When I fell I finally fell asleep it was the most relaxing and sound sleep I'd had all week. I woke up feel refreshed and ready to take on the day. 

THEN I got to work and was greeted with a customer who wanted to know why I wasn't having kids, "Aren't you going to have kids yet? You shouldn't wait too long or you'll be too old. I know it seems good to wait, but I did and I regret it."

Thanks for making me feel worse, lady.

But, ya know what, I think I needed her to push me over the edge I was lingering on...

I vented on Facebook, and discovered how very blessed I am. Just when I was drowning in the depths of darkness, Heavenly Father sent in all my angels to lift me up. I am so incredibly and insanely blessed with the most outstanding friends. I don't know how I got so lucky! It is because of all of YOU that Tyler and I are surviving and powering through our greatest trial. We feel your love and your prayers and we are so grateful! I don't even know how I could find a way to thank each of you properly. So, just know that I love you and appreciate you and I thank the Lord for your friendship. I needed to hear all your loving words today and know that I can keep going. 

so much love to all of you. 

XO