What Boston Taught Me

To our sweet miracle baby, Boston:

I will forever be grateful for all that you taught me in the short time I had to carry you in my womb. Even though I will not get to hold you in my arms, I will always carry you in my heart. 

You taught me that the Lord hears and answers prayers:

For 2 years we hoped and prayed to start a family. In October, as the 2 year mark fast approached, I felt the weight of infertility crushing me and my grasp on hope was loosening. I prayed to Heavenly Father with all my heart to be pregnant. I felt like I would completely lose all hope if I had to go into 2014 still trying. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of my sanity, but I felt God promise me he wouldn't push me past my limits. The next month, we found out that we were, finally, pregnant with you! Now, we knew that we COULD get pregnant! We knew that Heavenly Father had heard our pleas, and he had blessed us.

You taught me about true love and how to feel pure joy:

When I married your Daddy I thought nothing in this life could feel happier than that, and that I could never be more in love than I was that day. Well, when those 2 blue lines told me you were part of our family, when we heard your heartbeat, when my bump started to show, I couldn't even begin to find words to describe the joy that filled my heart. And Daddy and Mommy fell more deeply in love with each other, because we fell hopelessly in love with you. Just 2 days before we found out we lost you, Daddy had swung me into his arms and swore he had never been so happy in his entire life, and that I had never been so beautiful. Thank you for that, baby.

You taught me to be brave:

For the first time in my entire life I wasn't afraid. For once I didn't let stresses or worries get in my way. I enjoyed every moment that I carried you! I fearlessly believed that I had nothing to worry about. I never once worried I would lose you.

At first, when we found out we lost you, I felt guilty. I felt like I should have known. I thought I was a terrible mother, How does a mom not even know her baby died? But I came to realize that had I known and spent what little time we had worrying, like I normally do, I would have never enjoyed my 12 weeks of pregnancy. Oh, I enjoyed it so much! It was beautiful and amazing. I can't believe I ever thought for a moment that I was showing too early. Now, I am so grateful for my little bump that meant I had you growing inside me at one time. 

You taught me to believe:

More than ever, without a doubt, I know that God exists. The ability to create life is a remarkable gift from God. How else could it be that you formed from this tiny part of Dad and this tiny part of Mom? It is absolutely by divine design. As my body started to change, I felt so much closer to the Lord and believed in Him so much more. 

You taught me about Miracles:

You are the greatest miracle of our lives! You came in to our family just when we needed you and, even though you couldn't stay, we will always be grateful you came. 

You taught me about my Savior:

Losing you was both the worst and most spiritual experience of my life. I felt my Savior by my side every second that my heart was breaking. He picked up the pieces of Mommy and Daddy's hearts and put us back together. His atonement lessened our suffering and freed us from the anguish of guilt and anger. His love helped us survive. 

Baby Boston, I carry you in my heart forever. I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned from you. I know that is why you came. You came to teach me; to make me better. 

Love,

Mommy

I'm thankful for my trials!

I have been participating in the "30 Days of Thankful" on facebook and instagram. I started it here on my blog with my post about being thankful for all of our AWESOME friends. I have posted serious gratitude for my amazing husband and our sweet parents. I have posted funnies like, today, I'm thankful that Lyss taught me to cut out snowflakes- Yes, I really didn't know how. No, it is NOT easy ;)

As this month bursts with pant seams and gratitude I am reminded that, as we struggle through the greatest trial of our life, I must reiterate how truly THANKFUL I am for this experience. I still wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And our two years and a few thousand dollars is no comparison to those that struggle for longer for tens of thousands of dollars. I pray, cry, send love, and tip my hat to all of you!!

However, as hard (understatement) as these last two years have been I must say that I see the Lord's hand in my life and I thank him for what I have learned, the blessings I have seen, and the love I have felt. It doesn't mean I'm not sad sometimes, because my heart sometimes absolutely breaks in two. It means that the Lord has blessed me to see my loving family and who my true friends are, those who grab my heart and hold it together when I cannot.

I am thankful that I have learned more than ever to turn to the scriptures for guidance. The words of Christ and his prophets bring peace to my soul.

I am thankful for prayer and the joy that is felt from communicating with my Father in Heaven.

I am thankful that the past two years have brought Tyler and I closer together. He has never made me feel inferior and stops me from blaming myself. I know more than ever the strength of his love for me and I will have to live a thousand more years to even try to convey that same love in return.

I am thankful for parents that love, guide, and protect us even when we are fully grown. They hold out their open arms when we fall apart, and like children again, we curl up in their love. In seeing this we have learned the love and wisdom it takes to be parents, and I am forever grateful.

I am thankful for the opportunity to be an aunt before being a mom. I have the opportunity to completely spoil and dote on 2 (one is on his way) baby boys.

I am thankful for finding the Reproductive Care Center ! I feel so grateful to be under the care of a clinic and doctor who truly care about me. I know that with their help we will be able to get through this and have a family.

These are just a few of the MANY things I am thankful for thanks to this trial. So, even if you are facing something awful right now. Step back and see if you can look for the blessings. I promise they are there. I promise Heavenly Father is there for you and wants what is best for you. He has a GREAT plan. We just have to wait for it.

Much Love.
Be thankful.

XO

The Prayer in our Hearts

My amazing Uncle Craig shared with us this special poem he wrote. Tyler and I couldn't believe how beautifully he had put the prayer of our hearts to words.

Thank you SO much, Craig. We love you!

I can honestly testify that the only way to endure any trial- whether it be infertility, a miscarriage, loss of a loved one, depression, anxiety, anything- is by staying close to the Lord and our Savior. I have found so much comfort in knowing that Christ loves us and knows more than anyone what we feel. I am always reminding myself that I need not suffer, because Christ atoned for me so that I wouldn't have to suffer. I love this scripture so much, because it helps me keep that in mind.

John 16:33

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have a peace. 

In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; 

I have overcome the world.”

Don't feel alone. Pray for peace. Pray for hope. Pray for love.
He will always be there to share it with you.

Round 3 & a World Series

Infertility & Baseball

These underdogs are sure ready for a win.
After all this defeat, it is about time WE get to score,
hit a homerun
& knock one out of the park. 

I am in NO way a sports fanatic, but in honor of Tyler's Boston Red Sox I'll see what I can do with creating an analogy ;)

The Red Sox had a disgraceful season last year.

Tyler and all the other Boston fans were so disappointed. 

The first year of infertility was the hardest on us.

We really struggled and we were so disappointed.

To kick off the 2013 season Boston reevaluated their players, management and strategy. They got rid of players and management who weren't fully invested in the Red Sox Nation. They did a complete makeover in their advertising and community involvement to win back their fans, and their pride.

By summer, we had decided to reevaluate too. I started this blog. We ditched the doctors that weren't working for us and weren't invested in Team King. We stopped investing time in friends who didn't care about what we were going through. We brought in a new doctor who fully supported and cheered for us. 

Last week The Red Sox made it to the World Series! 

We just found out that my progesterone level is finally 

high enough to get pregnant! (although I am not)

So as we cheer on the Sox in the World Series, will you cheer on Team King?

Hopefully Boston will take the Series and we'll get pregnant!

Wouldn't that be RAD?! But then Tyler would probably say we have to name the baby an honorary Red Sox name like Boston, Ted Williams... or Big Papi :/
OH well :) I could deal with that!

Silly baseball post attempt over.

The End.

How Firm a Foundation

It can't always be sunshine and roses. Sometimes the clouds roll in and the darkness comes after us. As hard as we try to outrun its shadow, we occasionally get caught in a storm. We fight and argue over trivial things, trying to ignore the pain in our hearts. And when we can't run any faster, we fall under the cloud's downpour. Our emotions pour out, we fall down, hold each other so tight and cry until the world gets blurry as the pain overtakes us.

For some reason, this weekend was hard for us. It was, figuratively, stormy. We really struggled with feelings of hurt and anger. We feel the 2 year mark fast approaching, and we sometimes sit back in disbelief that we still don't have a baby. This weekend our infertility was just so painfully real to us, and we had to just take a moment to sit on the kitchen floor and cry together.

But the sun does rise when the storm passes. We dry our tears, we smile again, and we continue in hope.

Since I was 17 years old, and my wonderful mother posted the words to my bedroom mirror, How Firm A Foundation has been my favorite hymn. I especially love the words of promise in the 3rd and 7th verses:

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

We need not fear or be dismayed. God comforts us and stands by us, and sometimes HE even carries us until we can walk on our own again. He never deserts Tyler and I through our struggle. He holds us tightly and keeps us together, even when we feel like we are falling apart. He puts his arms around us when the storm hits and holds up an umbrella.

Besides the hymn, How Firm a Foundation is also the title of a beautiful talk by Thomas S. Monson. I have been studying it yesterday and today, and have been taught so much by his wise words. I just have to share this. I hope that it might help any of you with whatever struggle or trial you may be enduring right now.

"At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end, no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?” (Jeremiah 8:22). We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone."

He offers some helpful guidelines to gain and maintain the foundation needed to survive spiritually in the world in which we live:

1. First, fortify your foundation through prayer. As we pray, let us really communicate with our Father in Heaven. It is easy to let our prayers become repetitious, expressing words with little or no thought behind them. When we remember that each of us is literally a spirit son or daughter of God, we will not find it difficult to approach Him in prayer. He knows us; He loves us; He wants what is best for us. Let us pray with sincerity and meaning, offering our thanks and asking for those things we feel we need. Let us listen for His answers, that we may recognize them when they come. As we do, we will be strengthened and blessed.

2. The Second guideline: Let us study the scriptures and “meditate therein day and night,” as counseled by the Lord in the book of Joshua (1:8). Spending time each day in scripture study will, without doubt, strengthen our foundations of faith and our testimonies of truth.

3. The third guideline involves service. The service that counts, the service to which all of us have been called: the service of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Along your pathway of life you will observe that you are not the only traveler. There are others who need your help. There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire, and souls to save.

As put these guides to use in my life I know I will be blessed to feel the comfort of my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. My hope revives as I study my scriptures, pray faithfully, and serve others. 

We take each day as it comes; sunny or stormy, the days are what we make them. We can choose to wallow in the shadow or dance in the rain. 

Balance?

How do you balance being hopeful without having false hope?

During the summer we thought life was so simple. We took a break from Doctors and medications. We knew we couldn't get pregnant. We didn't expect to; we just had FUN.

But when we got back on track we got a little positive news from some tests, started a new medication, and started feeling hopeful like, "This is it! This is gonna happen!" 

And, of course, it feels like every time we turn around, log on Facebook, or check Instagram someone is announcing they are pregnant. Then, we get excited and we start thinking "How will we announce? What fun ideas can we come up with? This is going to be so awesome!"

How do you stay hopeful without getting so excited that you end up crying on the bathroom floor when you know that, once again, you are not pregnant? 

How?

Well, I haven't mastered anything yet, but I'm figuring out that there is no answer to this question.

There is no way to be hopeful without getting your hopes up. You HAVE to keep your hopes up. You have to keep hoping and dreaming.

What I have discovered is this: I would rather have Hope. 
I would rather endure the bitter-sweet roller coaster:
This might work, This is good news, This is it, Not this time... 

I would rather ride out the pain than delude myself and tell myself there is no hope.
I would rather take having hope, even if it hurts.

This process has taught me that it is okay to feel every single emotion. For so long I was afraid to feel. I thought it was better to keep it all in. I thought I was happier pretending it would be okay with me if we never had children. I thought I was a terrible person if I cried or got angry when someone else got pregnant and I didn't. And Tyler did the same. He was afraid to tell me how he felt, because he was worried it would make me feel inadequate.

Soon it caught up to us. We pushed away, and felt distant. The emotions were eating away inside of us while we tried to put up this "I'm Okay" front. We had to promise to be honest. We promised to tell each other everything and express our emotions. We melted together again, and became stronger.

Thanks to an article my mother shared with us, we were reminded "It's okay to hope and it's okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying."

I have to constantly remind myself that. 

So, I'm reminding anyone out there that is listening. 
Hope, even if it hurts. Feel everything, every single emotion that comes along. Feel it with everything inside you. We are humans meant to have experiences. We are not robots; we were not meant to endure our trials rigidly. That's kind of why I started this blog. It helps me feel a little more, and understand my feelings a little more. I read once that you should do what is good for your soul. Writing soothes me; it's good for my soul.

That is all today.

The story, as promised.

In a previous blog, I promised an amusing story about my inactive ovaries...
...AND since I know you must have been on the edge of your seat waiting to hear more about my ovaries (awkward?), here is the story, as promised ;)


First, can I just say how awesome my husband is?! I mean, no offense, I'm sure you think your hubby is great, but you are really missing out. (Not that I'm offering to share...)

Dear Mr. King, my best friend, partner in crime, lover, and 24/7 comedian is the key to the door that opened my Happily Ever After. Without him, I don't think I could enjoy this somewhat bumpy, crazy journey. But I can! Because he makes this life FUN! No matter what we come up against we fight it together, fully supportive, and fully having a blast!
Go big or go home, people.

One lazy afternoon, while laying in bed (and watching some season of some show on Netflix, I'm sure) Tyler rested his head on my belly. He laid there for a minute, then rolled over... and started talking to my belly? What a weirdo! For those who know me, they know that the problem here is how hysterically ticklish I am! I freaked out and started thrashing like a crazy person. He was amused with himself and stopped so I could catch my breath.

Once I could breathe,
"DUDE, What the heck?! Why were you talking to my belly? Ya weirdo. There is nothing in their to talk to... just belly fat!" :/
I hate being tickled, so I was slightly annoyed.
Tyler's face became very mischievous. He raised one eyebrow, and a grin spread across his face. Suddenly his face was once again buried in to my belly. Muffled by my stomach and layers of shirts I heard,
"Uhm, excuse me, Ovaries? Could you please do your job?"
We both just laughed for about 20 minutes...
Then he got a really serious look and said,
"If this works, we can call me The Ovaries Whisperer!"


This is why my husband trumps all other husbands. No matter how hard our journey through infertility gets I know we will always keep each other laughing :)

Remember to just laugh 

through the hard times; 

they are but a small moment. <3 

Dear Not-So-Helpful Stranger,

{Please read with humor. This is meant to be amusing. Not really angry ;)}

To the people who think they are doctors,

To the people who think they know how to fix us,

To the people who have no idea and just keep talking,

To the people who tell me to "Just Relax,"

To all you not-so-helpful strangers, this is what I wish I could just say to you.

I am not ashamed or secretive about Tyler's and my struggle to get pregnant. We have infertility issues. My ovaries don't seem to work (funny story about that to come in another blog). It's sad... and kind of funny! We have faith. We are happy. We know God will bless us. We appreciate support and don't mind talking about it with those who love us.

We do not appreciate your unsolicited advice.

"Well my friend's sister's cousin's wife stood on her head, sang the ABCs backwards, and chewed gum before/after/during sex and that was how they got pregnant."
"My sister's friend's mom and dad tried forever, then they stopped 'trying' and it just happened."
...and my personal favorite :/
"Just Relax."
Oh yeah, cause I'm sure that's why I don't ovulate... I'm just not relaxed enough.
*BIG eye roll*

We do not appreciate your uneducated diagnoses.

"It's probably because your husband has slow swimmers."
"It's probably because you don't have enough progesterone."
"It's probably because you don't do it enough."
"It's probably because you do it too much."
Thanks for that Doctor... oh wait, you are just an obnoxious stranger. Great.

We do not appreciate your insensitive ramblings.

One of the MANY lessons I have learned from this experience is simply about how to talk to people about babies and family. After our experience, I will never ask someone, "So when are you going to start having kids?" or "Why don't you have any kids yet?" or "Isn't it about time you start a family?" or my least favorite of all, "Don't you want children?"
...You have NO idea.

Just think before you start talking to people. Seriously! Not knowing is not an excuse. You should be smart enough to know that it is NONE of your business if or when my husband and I have children. If we are not close friends, I am not going to advertise to you our struggles. You should just have enough manners and tact to know what is appropriate and what is not. When you ramble on and on about how children are a blessing and we shouldn't put off starting a family, OR how easy it is to get pregnant and it will happen when we least expect it I want to slap you... and if you catch me on a bad day, I just might ;)

Ramble over.
Thanks for reading ;)