Balance?

How do you balance being hopeful without having false hope?

During the summer we thought life was so simple. We took a break from Doctors and medications. We knew we couldn't get pregnant. We didn't expect to; we just had FUN.

But when we got back on track we got a little positive news from some tests, started a new medication, and started feeling hopeful like, "This is it! This is gonna happen!" 

And, of course, it feels like every time we turn around, log on Facebook, or check Instagram someone is announcing they are pregnant. Then, we get excited and we start thinking "How will we announce? What fun ideas can we come up with? This is going to be so awesome!"

How do you stay hopeful without getting so excited that you end up crying on the bathroom floor when you know that, once again, you are not pregnant? 

How?

Well, I haven't mastered anything yet, but I'm figuring out that there is no answer to this question.

There is no way to be hopeful without getting your hopes up. You HAVE to keep your hopes up. You have to keep hoping and dreaming.

What I have discovered is this: I would rather have Hope. 
I would rather endure the bitter-sweet roller coaster:
This might work, This is good news, This is it, Not this time... 

I would rather ride out the pain than delude myself and tell myself there is no hope.
I would rather take having hope, even if it hurts.

This process has taught me that it is okay to feel every single emotion. For so long I was afraid to feel. I thought it was better to keep it all in. I thought I was happier pretending it would be okay with me if we never had children. I thought I was a terrible person if I cried or got angry when someone else got pregnant and I didn't. And Tyler did the same. He was afraid to tell me how he felt, because he was worried it would make me feel inadequate.

Soon it caught up to us. We pushed away, and felt distant. The emotions were eating away inside of us while we tried to put up this "I'm Okay" front. We had to promise to be honest. We promised to tell each other everything and express our emotions. We melted together again, and became stronger.

Thanks to an article my mother shared with us, we were reminded "It's okay to hope and it's okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying."

I have to constantly remind myself that. 

So, I'm reminding anyone out there that is listening. 
Hope, even if it hurts. Feel everything, every single emotion that comes along. Feel it with everything inside you. We are humans meant to have experiences. We are not robots; we were not meant to endure our trials rigidly. That's kind of why I started this blog. It helps me feel a little more, and understand my feelings a little more. I read once that you should do what is good for your soul. Writing soothes me; it's good for my soul.

That is all today.