Things will work out.

I came across this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley today on Pinterest,
and it spoke to my soul!

When wandering the path of infertility it can be extremely hard to keep trying and believing. It can feel impossible to be happy. It can be a task to try and not get discouraged. And, sometimes, you want to punch people who say, "Oh things will just work out!" But don't wind up and throw your fist just yet.

I'm here to say, the truth of it is, THINGS WILL WORK OUT. Things will work out somehow. They may not work out in the way you wanted, or the way you thought, but things will work out just as they should.

Keep Trying & Be Believing

Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the lightbulb.

Michael Jordon was cut from his high school basketball team.

Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.

Walt Disney was fired because he "lacked imagination and had no good ideas."

Beethoven wrote 5 of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf. 

27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss.

Be Happy
Don't let what's not happening in your life keep you from happily enjoying all that is happening! If you spend all of your time focusing on what you are missing you will miss out on what you have.
Even though we would love to have children of our own, we can use the time that we don't to be the most fun aunt and uncle ever! Our nephews are absolutely our 2 greatest joys! Not to mention, we are extremely blessed with younger cousins and adopted nieces and nephews from our dearest friends. We are surrounded by children we can spoil, cuddle, and care for.
As much as we look forward to the insanity of juggling parenthood with marriage, we recognize how important it is to enjoy this time that it is just the two of us. We try to cherish every moment! We don't want to look back on this time and have regrets about how we drifted apart amidst this trial.

Don't Get Discouraged
This one is hard, I know! I have yet to master it, but I'm working on it. There are so many things that seem to not be working. Don't focus on that stuff. Learn to celebrate any small accomplishments or tiny steps of progress. Even little glimmers of hope are HOPE! Cling to hope and don't give up.

Things Will Work Out

If you can just keep a positive attitude as you stumble along your journey, I promise you will see things work out. It probably won't be what you wanted or expected, but it will be everything you needed. 

Ready or Not? Not.

It's already been 3 months since I was 3 months pregnant. 3 months since we found out we'd lost Baby Boston at 12 weeks. 3 months since my D&C at 13 weeks, because my body just couldn't let go of that little fetus. 3 months since I woke to the empty realization that my baby was gone.

Yep! That was me, already showing at 11 weeks.

3 MONTHS.

And while January felt like a hell that wouldn't end, the time since has raced passed me faster than I can believe. The break in my heart still feels like a fresh wound, and some days I still wake up expecting to be pregnant, thinking that surely I must have dreamed a terrible nightmare. I still wear the maternity leggings I had just purchased days before- partly because I wish I was still pregnant and partly because, let's be honest, they're too comfortable to give up. Why can't it be fashionably acceptable to wear stretchy pants all the time??? I mean, really! Aaaaand back on topic...

I can't believe its been 3 months.

I've been ready to be pregnant again since February, but that's easier said than done. I hoped that 3 months of pregnancy had healed my body, and by some miracle it would start working like it should. I dreamed that we would get pregnant by surprise- no doctors, no meds, not tests.

Nope!

So, now we face the decision to start Femara, again. Femara wasn't bad. It made me really sleepy, but that was hardly much to complain about after the havoc Clomid raged on my hormones and emotions. And I got pregnant the 3rd month I was on it, so the problem isn't about taking Femara. Its everything that comes with really starting to "try" again. For those of you who think, "Trying is the fun part!" SHUT UP! Trust me, you have obviously never "tried" to get pregnant. There is nothing fun about ultrasounds when there's no baby, having your blood drawn all the time,  and taking pee tests at the most accurate ovulation read time (which, by the way, takes about 4 minutes to season and is when you are at work, using the public restroom)

Right now, Tyler and I are so happy! We have found peace after the miscarriage. We have fallen more in love. And we are content. It's hard to maintain happy and content once you start the roller coaster of infertility again.

Like I said, were facing the time to decide at the end of this week... Well, my period just came 4 days early and took my time to decide!!! What a jerk. Just another reason to hate that damned messenger.

So, here I lay, exhausted, but wide awake. Weighing the pros and cons of starting Femara again tomorrow, or putting it off another month. Weighing what I want against what I can handle. And coming to the ultimate decision that, while I'm ready for a miraculous conception that takes no effort on my part (and not giving up on that idea!), I am not quite ready to head down the road of meds, and tests, and stress, and disappointment again just yet.

But, ya know what? That's okay. It's my life and it's Tyler's life. He loves me and he'll patiently wait for me, because he is just that amazingly cool. And because he knows that, eventually, I will be ready.

And someday, I will be pregnant again.

Xo.

So, it's okay! right?

Matthew 18: 3-4

3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Children are so much smarter than we are! They are not burdened or hardened by the world, yet. They think so simply. If only we could be that simple again!

I must share with you what were absolutely, by far, the most comforting words I got after our miscarriage. For a while this experience was just too dear to my heart to share. But I think we can all learn from the simple words of my 5 year old cousin.

Ava is a pretty amazing little girl, with parents that are even more amazing! What she taught me just goes to show what wonderful lessons she is being taught at home.

It was just a few weeks after our loss, and my Garrett cousins were gathered in my Grandma's kitchen. Sweet little Ava came over and tugged on my shirt for me to pick her up. She gave me the tightest hug and asked,
"Brittany, your baby died in your tummy?"
"Yes, sweetie. It did."
"I'm sorry." *another big hug*
"Oh, Thanks Ava!"
"But he's with Jesus! So, it's okay! Right?"
Blown away, I responded, "Uhh... Yeah... You are right!"

Wow. Just... Wow!

Those simple words meant more to me than anything anyone had said in the wake of our loss. I mean, really, "It's okay! Right?" Our baby really is with Jesus, and it really is okay!

Why don't we think like that? Why do we make everything so complicated? Why do we focus on so much negative? When, really, It's okay!

In continuing with our journey to be More Content and Less Bitter, I challenge you to consider your life and your trials with a more positive outlook.

I promise you, It's Okay!

XO.

Balance?

How do you balance being hopeful without having false hope?

During the summer we thought life was so simple. We took a break from Doctors and medications. We knew we couldn't get pregnant. We didn't expect to; we just had FUN.

But when we got back on track we got a little positive news from some tests, started a new medication, and started feeling hopeful like, "This is it! This is gonna happen!" 

And, of course, it feels like every time we turn around, log on Facebook, or check Instagram someone is announcing they are pregnant. Then, we get excited and we start thinking "How will we announce? What fun ideas can we come up with? This is going to be so awesome!"

How do you stay hopeful without getting so excited that you end up crying on the bathroom floor when you know that, once again, you are not pregnant? 

How?

Well, I haven't mastered anything yet, but I'm figuring out that there is no answer to this question.

There is no way to be hopeful without getting your hopes up. You HAVE to keep your hopes up. You have to keep hoping and dreaming.

What I have discovered is this: I would rather have Hope. 
I would rather endure the bitter-sweet roller coaster:
This might work, This is good news, This is it, Not this time... 

I would rather ride out the pain than delude myself and tell myself there is no hope.
I would rather take having hope, even if it hurts.

This process has taught me that it is okay to feel every single emotion. For so long I was afraid to feel. I thought it was better to keep it all in. I thought I was happier pretending it would be okay with me if we never had children. I thought I was a terrible person if I cried or got angry when someone else got pregnant and I didn't. And Tyler did the same. He was afraid to tell me how he felt, because he was worried it would make me feel inadequate.

Soon it caught up to us. We pushed away, and felt distant. The emotions were eating away inside of us while we tried to put up this "I'm Okay" front. We had to promise to be honest. We promised to tell each other everything and express our emotions. We melted together again, and became stronger.

Thanks to an article my mother shared with us, we were reminded "It's okay to hope and it's okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying."

I have to constantly remind myself that. 

So, I'm reminding anyone out there that is listening. 
Hope, even if it hurts. Feel everything, every single emotion that comes along. Feel it with everything inside you. We are humans meant to have experiences. We are not robots; we were not meant to endure our trials rigidly. That's kind of why I started this blog. It helps me feel a little more, and understand my feelings a little more. I read once that you should do what is good for your soul. Writing soothes me; it's good for my soul.

That is all today.