Happy Birth Day, Boston!

Who knows? By now, you might have already arrived, you may have come today, or we might still be waiting to see your cute face. But today is the day the doctors, the apps, and the calculators said I was due to have you. We would have found out if you had the red hair we'd been hoping for, if you looked more like me or your daddy. But, guaranteed, we would have cried with joy over how perfect you were.

Oh, we miss you. We still love you with every beat of our hearts. Nothing could ever change that. You are our greatest miracle, Boston.

I have thought of you everyday since finding out you existed, but you have been heavy on my mind throughout what would have been my last trimester. I don't think I have ever wished to be so fat or hot! I would've loved to have spent the last month waddling around, roasting in the summer heat, waiting for you to arrive. Some days, I still can't believe you're really not coming.

I'll be honest. Mommy has had good days, okay days, and really bad days. The really bad days haven't been my proudest moments, but I can't help how much I loved you or how much it hurt to lose you. I now understand what it feels like to really have a broken heart. I thought I had experienced it before, but I was wrong. It is a real and physical, excruciating pain. When the doctor took my hand and told me you'd stopped growing, that you were no longer living in the little home I'd given you, the words were like hands around my throat. They sucked all the air from me, and when I could no longer breathe, then came the pain in my chest. I felt a fault line form down that center as my heart cracked apart and shattered. Trust me, the 2 weeks that followed were filled with some of the most horrible pain I've ever endured, but nothing can compare to that pain of a breaking heart.  I thought it would stay that way forever. I couldn't imagine how we could ever recover from such emotional pain. There, in the ultrasound room, it felt like all was lost. I didn't know how we ever would move on without you.

But ya know what fixes a broken heart, little one?

Love. 

And, man oh man, are we a greatly loved family! Your Grandma and Grandpa King were constantly by our side. They took care of everything and left us with nothing to worry about. Grandma Garrett came all the way from Arizona to take care of me when Daddy went back to work. And then came the meals, gifts, condolences. I know we are biased, but we really do have the best family and friends in the world! We are so incredibly blessed. They had all loved you the moment they knew about you, too. And it hurt them almost as much to lose you. 

Last, but never least, the pure and all-encompassing Love of the Savior saved our souls. He healed us. Our hearts were mended by his merciful Atonement, and we survived. Because of His love and His plan, you are not lost to us.

Boston, it is hard without you, but it is still a good life. Your short existence brought us more joy than losing you could destroy.

 

So, today, we cannot just sit at home crying our eyes out, wasting your special day feeling sorry for ourselves. Today, we have to celebrate you! We will celebrate our love that created you, and the love you created in those 12 short weeks. Our love for you and each other grows with each and every day. You have no idea what you have done for us. What a special little one you must be to have changed us so much in such a short time.
You are our angel. 

We adore you, sweet Boston.

Happy Birth Day!
Love, Mommy & Daddy

XO

Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Its hard to believe that July has arrived and is almost over! I thought winter would never end, and then, suddenly, summer is almost over. What's harder to believe is that summer will come and go, and Boston won't be here. Some days it really still surprises me. And I'm amazed by that. I just keep thinking I'll get used to it. But every now and then, I wake up in disbelief that it's not January 10th and this hasn't just been the most horrible nightmare.

Next Tuesday will be my due date, but I won't be going to the hospital or bringing home a new baby. Instead, I'll be spending the day in Park City with Tyler. It will be an amazing day together, I'm sure, and its not a bad way to spend the day, but it's not what I had in mind for July 29th 6 months ago.

I have been running on a serious happy high for the past few weeks. We've just been loving life and feeling great. I got really settled into that and thought the rest of the month would just be a total breeze and not phase me, that I could just keep feeling fantastic. But, unfortunately, I'm actually a human being with a heart. And that heart is still pretty tender. 

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure I will feel brighter soon, but for now I'm just going to carry my heavy heart, have a good solid cry and miss the baby I never got hold. What else can I do? Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Xo.