My body, my baby, my choice.

Growing up, hearing my birth story year after year at my birthday, I never knew there was another option besides natural childbirth. My mom had all 3 of us naturally. And she never sugar-coated it. I mean, she endured like 20 hours of labor after her water broke just get me out- Oh, and I was 10 lbs. Yeah, my mom is a rockstar! And my Great-Great Grandma was picking cotton when she went into labor, squatted down, gave birth to TWINS, put them in her pack and finished picking her row before heading home. Awesome, right? So, until I was a teenager I didn't even know there was another option for childbirth. I've just always known I wanted a natural birth.

What I didn't know was that by the time I would be preparing for childbirth, medicated births would be such a norm that choosing natural would make me so different. I have been amazed by the reactions I get when people ask and I tell them. "Are you crazy?!" "Why?!" "Well, that's just stupid." "Are you serious?" Then, when I try to explain my reasoning, they just come at me, "You know you won't be able to do it," "No one has natural births anymore," "You'll give in and get the epidural."

I mean, I have FINALLY graduated from infertility and people are still offering me unsolicited advice about my body. Welcome to parenthood, I guess.

First of all, why do people even ask if they don't want to hear my answer? Second of all, what I do with my body and my vagina is really none of your business. Third of all, whatever happens happens. I am smart enough to know that things happen that are out of our control when it comes to labor and delivery. I might end up having to have the epidural, an emergency c-section, whatever. I accept all that. But my preparation and my birth plan will be to first try a non-medicated birth. And that is my choice. Not anyone else's.

I'm not a hippie. I don't think that the medication from the epidural will harm my baby. I know that it is a safe, regularly practiced procedure. I really just have no desire to experience a needle being injected in to my back or feeling numb. That just sounds awful to me. That is just how I feel.

After we found out we lost Boston, the doctor offered me a medication to help my body miscarriage naturally since my body wasn't doing it on its own. The week that followed was a week of hellish pain that I had never and have never since experienced. By the end of the week I ended up in the ER, contracting and hemorrhaging. The last of the clots I pushed out were the size of grapefruits. After my DNC I had 3 days of contractions that were unimaginably painful. I'm not trying to say I have experienced the same as childbirth, because until I go through it I will not know how it compares. What I am saying is that I endured the worst pain of my life and still survived. At least childbirth offers you an incredibly worthwhile reward. I endured all that pushing, contracting and bleeding and left the hospital with empty arms.

So, I have faith in myself and hope that I can do it, and I don't need anyone telling me I can't or that I'm ridiculous.

My body, my baby, my choice.

Thanks.

Some Miracles Just Take a Little More Time

In December of 2011, bursting with excitement, we decided it was time for me to stop taking birth control. We looked forward to the coming months, thinking soon we'd be starting our family. By April of 2013, I started this blog to share our infertility journey. And in November of that year we found out that, after 3 rounds of Femara and Boston's World Series win, we were finally pregnant! Our joy was incomparable for the next 2 months. But in January of 2014, at our 12 week visit, our worst fears were realized. Our little baby Boston no longer had a heartbeat, and our hearts were broken. It took us a long time to start to repair.

By summer, we decided to go back to the reproductive clinic and start trying again. After 3 rounds of Femara, nothing changed. I only ovulated with the additional help of an HCG trigger shot, but my progesterone didn't rise, and I couldn't take it. I felt completely useless. I felt I had nothing to offer. I couldn't keep the baby I'd wanted so badly, and I couldn't even get pregnant again. Hope felt lost.

After that, I told Tyler I couldn't go back. I needed time before I could try again. The heartache was too much for me to handle. So, we took time for ourselves. We enjoyed our life as a family of two.

By the beginning of the year we started considering when we would go back to the the clinic and start trying again. I kept putting it off. I was so afraid. I was afraid to get pregnant again, I was afraid of never getting pregnant again, I was afraid of how much more treatments would cost and how much more we'd have to do. And by my birthday, I couldn't believe I was turning 27 and not any closer to knowing when or how I'd have a family.

In April I told Tyler, I would call RCC and make an appointment. My nurse said we'd need to start from the beginning and reevaluate. We scheduled a new consult with Dr. Swelstad and she gave me a list of all the tests we'd need to do again. I didn't feel like I could go through it. So the second Sunday in April, I fasted about it and prayed all day for guidance. The thought came to me that I needed to go to the temple for peace. So I prayed and made a pact with God. I said, "Heavenly Father, if I make the sacrifice go to the Temple every day this week, will you please help me get through this? I need peace in my heart to know what is right. I need you to make this right."

Well, he answered my prayer, but he did me one better...

After 4 years,
SO many negative pregnancy tests,
a few thousand dollars,
and a few thousand tears...
A miracle will come to us this Christmas!

On Wednesday, April 15th I was 4 days late. I had a dentist appointment that afternoon. I couldn't get the thought out of my head to take a pregnancy test. I tried to ignore it, like every other month, but I gave in and on my way to my appointment I stopped at Walgreens.

I bought a 2 pack, cause its cheaper and, ya know, I do my best to keep First Response in business. I went in to the bathroom- yes the Walgreens bathroom. I broke my cardinal rule and looked at the test immediately... My eyes bugged! There in front of me, 2 hot pink lines stared back at me. I checked the instructions again to confirm what that meant. I shook the test and blinked my eyes open and shut about 10 times. There were still 2 lines. "HOLY CRAP!" My voice echoed against the tile bathroom. A hysteric laugh burst from my chest, then the tears came. "H...Ho... How?! Wh...Wha... What?!... OH MY GOSH!" Not about to throw it away, I put the positive test back in the box and ran out of the bathroom.

I got out to my car, hyperventilating. How is this possible? I've been testing for ovulation since January, and never have never gotten a positive. This is impossible. Isn't it? OH MY GOSH! I'M PREGNANT! The thoughts were coming fast and jumbled together as I drove towards my appointment. Suddenly it dawned on me that I would have to tell the dentist I was pregnant (Oh my gosh!) and that would mean that my dentist office would know before Tyler.

I dialed Ty's number and waited for him to pick up, wondering what I would say...
"Hey Beautiful!"
"Hey, do you have time to talk? Are you in your office?"
"Yeah, I can talk. What's up?"
"Uhhmm... I think I'm pregnant..."
"Why do you think that?" (You can tell by the lack of enthusiasm in his response that he has to listen to my maybe-I'm-pregnant theories a lot.)
" Well, I just took a pregnancy test and it is positive!"
"WHAT?! Are you serious?!"
Tears, lots of tears and laughter.
Then, just like me, "H...Ho...How?! Wh...Wha... What?!... OH MY GOSH!"
"I had to call you cause I'm on my way to the dentist, and I couldn't tell him first!"

When we were finally home together that night we felt impossibly happy. We hugged each other so tight and Tyler rubbed my belly and kissed it, "You be good in there, okay?" <3

Well, we went in for our 12 week visit last Thursday and there was our little babe wiggling and moving it's little arms! Dr. Lister said, "Look, he's waving to say, 'Hi mom and dad! I'm okay and I'm still here!'" The relief we felt is indescribable. We can't believe it. WE'RE GETTING A BABY FOR CHRISTMAS!

I am sometimes still in disbelief, but then I throw up or fall asleep while we drive to the store and remember that I am MOST definitely pregnant, at last!

The last 3 1/2 years have been incredibly hard, rewarding, awful, happy, and just a whole mixture of emotions. We are SO ready for this new adventure. And we are so in love with this amazing blessing from Heavenly Father.

Infertility is wicked. Let's not even sugar coat it! And our journey has been short and much easier in comparison to others. Our hearts go out to our infertility brothers and sisters still struggling. Keep the faith and don't lose hope. Somehow, some way the right things will happen and God's plan will be revealed.
Some miracles just take a little more time.

Much Love & Joy
XO.

Why You Should Marry Your Best Friend

In college, I hated dating. It was the worst! It is awkward and uncomfortable and the worst part of the young adult experience.

Honestly, in my life, I have only been on a few awkward first dates, but that was enough for me to figure out I hated it. There are long silences waiting to be filled with useless comments about the weather and what you are studying in school. And you feel so unsure of what to say (or if you're supposed to pay for your own bowling shoes?) because it is a date and you are supposed to be charming and trying to impress this person for God only knows what reasons. And when very little common ground in uncovered the date ends in a fizzle, and you are left with  nothing but a story about that one guy who took you to his mom's house to play board games with a bunch of engaged couples and tried to hold your hand at Applebees...  Not  e v e n  kidding.

This is why I am truly convinced there is no better way to fall in love than to just fall in love with your best friend.

Ya see, when you are just friends with someone, they get to know you in the most neutral, unintimidating environments. You are yourself, because friends don't care if you're wearing enough makeup or if your outfit is just right. Friends don't judge you if you sit on your kitchen countertop and pig out on pizza in your pajamas after midnight. They join you! And when you eat pizza in your PJs with this dude, he sees who you really are. He gets to know you with all your guards down. When you're not busy trying to be impressively "date worthy" is when you'll impress him the most. 

So, then at long last, when the electricity starts to buzz and you suddenly kiss, you'll be past all that awkward first dates business and know this friend better than you know yourself. And when you snort a little when you laugh after this surprising first kiss, he'll laugh too, because he already knows you snort! And he'll kiss your nose and tell you it's cute. And you won't even be embarrassed. And the love will just follow, effortlessly.

So, my advice? Make friends, and then make out with them ;)  Ha! But for real...

Stop going on awkward dates trying to impress people that are probably a waste of time, and just start looking for your best friend. That's who you want to spend forever with anyway.

I've been best friends with Ty for the last 8 years, and 5 of those have been as husband and wife. We have the most ridiculous amount of fun together, and would rather be together more than with anyone else.

He's the peanut butter to my jelly and all I've ever needed.

Love you, Tyler Jay! Happy National Best Friends Day!

#YouAreNotAlone

In the beginning first years of trying to conceive the loneliness of Infertility first began to sink in. Both of our siblings, many of our closest friends and coworkers started their families, and we felt completely alone in our journey. Little did we know then that 3 years later we'd still be on that journey, but we'd be anything but lonely...

Infertility can become an incredibly lonely and depressing disease. If you let it consume you it can destroy your soul. While so many around you start and continue to grow their families you can feel hopelessly alone, like no one can understand. And, truly, if they haven't been through it they just can't understand the heartbreak. 

In the beginning, we felt this. We felt so alone. We began to become disconnected and we each felt lonely even when we sat side by side. Infertility can also destroy relationships if you let it. Blame, misunderstanding, depression, feelings inadequacy, and anger can break even the strongest bonds. I blamed myself for our struggles and hated that my body could work like it should. Tyler couldn't understand how it felt to be the problem and couldn't figure out how to make me understand that he didn't blame me. I struggled emotionally. Tyler struggled spiritually. We were overwhelmed and hopelessly lonely.

But, ya know what? We weren't alone, and neither are you.

Soon, we realized that we were surrounded by family and friends who loved us, supported us, stood by us, prayed for us and hugged us. By opening up and starting this blog, I discovered an amazing community of men and women who knew exactly how I felt. We were introduced to new people who could relate and cultivated new friendships over joys and sorrows and tears.

Last, but never least, we came to know the Savior and the atonement in a way that made it impossible to ever feel alone again. His arms of grace encompassed us, and we were made whole.

We are not alone and friends, neither are you.

When you cry over another negative pregnancy test - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you feel defeated and discouraged - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you've spent more on trying to have babies than a new car - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When hope seems lost - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you are crazy from hormone meds and shots - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you lose the pregnancy you've long waited for - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you lose it over a pair of crib shoes in the baby department - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you are scared - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you are tired - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When you want to give up - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When it seems like everyone is having babies but you - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

We are not alone. You are not alone. We are 1 in 8.

XO

His Grace Is Sufficient

Sometimes it takes a tumbling crash into the deepest pit of despair to truly discover our Savior and all His grace can do. 

This week was just such a tumble. I felt encircled in grief, loss, confusion, and depression. I felt weighted by lifes' loads, another failed month in trying to become a mother, and a new year of life to mark what I have yet to achieve. Suddenly I was hit with more emotion than I could handle, and I crumbled.

I felt defeated and unworthy of help out, but I Was Wrong.

Upon sinking to my lowest, in a dark place that promised me no hope or light, I once again discovered that there is no place we can hide from the light of our Savior. He always stands, ready to help us; we just have to reach up, take hold of his extended hand and He will always help us out.

After all, if anyone can understand the depths of our pains and the agony we feel in this life, it is our Savior. He suffered it all. And even our perfect Savior, before taking on all of our pains and sins, asked the Lord, "Father if thou be willing remove this cup from me..." So, it's okay if we feel overwhelmed and wish these pains we bear to be gone, but just like our Savior continued is his prayer to the Father, "nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" we must be willing to gather strength from the Lord and continue in what he asks of us when it is not yet time to have that cup removed.

Last Sunday we learned about Grace. Two incredible 12 year-old girls defined Grace as the enabling power from God to act and endure to the end. God's grace enables us, but with that enabling power we must ACT. The Savior reaches out to save us, but if we don't reach back and work, He cannot help us.

I am so grateful for the Grace of God. I am so grateful for an endlessly loving Savior and Heavenly Father who still offer me the enabling power to act and succeed, despite my daily faults. Christ said,

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

I think, at times, we take that scripture to mean that Christ will just take away our load, that he will no longer require that we carry any burdens. But the scripture doesn't say, Whenever life gets hard, I'll take away all your burdens and trials anf make your life easy. He tells us to take his yoke upon us, meaning it doesn't have to be our responsibility to carry the load alone, and once we yoke ourselves to the Savior, it will become easier and our burden will be made light. 

David Bednar said,

 "Sometimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness."

Trials, tribulations, depression, heartache, disease, mental illness and disabilities are burdens we carry in this life, but they are not meant to steal our happiness, but to make our happiness that much sweeter.

I said it before, and while I'm remembering it, I'll say it again, THIS IS STILL A GOOD LIFE!

His Grace is sufficient for me. It is more than sufficient for us all. We just have to act.

XO.

Happy Birthday, You're Not Pregnant

I wake up and look at my phone. My app tells me I have 3 days until my expected start date. There are also 3 days until my birthday.

I sit up and rub my eyes as I begin the usual, monthly battle with myself. My mind fights my heart, even though we know who will ultimately win. My damn heart always wins out over logic.

I walk into the bathroom and sigh as I unhappily unwrap one the many pregnancy tests I keep on hand. I look at myself angrily in the mirror, wishing I could stop myself from such self destruction,

but I sit and pee and wait.

*Rule number 1 of taking a pregnancy test: never look until all 3 minutes have past.

I wash my hands and face, brush my teeth, and spray dry shampoo in my hair. Finally, I chuck the stick with its single, strikingly pink line into the trash can.

"Happy birthday, you're not pregnant, again." I mutter to myself as I brush my hair.


In 3 days I will be 27 years old. I used to really like birthdays and getting older. I've always loved aging, growing wiser, gaining more smile lines that proved my life was happy. But this year, I want to pretend my birthday does not exist. I want to turn back the clock. I want to be 25 and pregnant again; not turning 27, childless. This is not how I ever imagined my life.

Why, as little girls, do we imagine such detailed plans for our lives? It must be how filled with hope we are when we are young, and that Carpe Diem project Mrs. Breaux had us do senior year. We hope for our futures by planning them in such a strict way that can only lead to disappointment.

Among planning to live next door to my best friend, and swapping last names by marrying each other's brothers (HA!), I would graduate from FIDM at the age of 21, start designing, find my perfect man and marry at 25, and be done having kids by the time I was 30. Well, my best friend and I got over our crushes on each other's brothers and haven't lived in the same state since high school. Upon learning that the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising cost about $20,000 a year, and realizing I could NOT draw or sketch, I gave up my dream of becoming a fashion designer. I got married at 22, and didn't graduate from Weber State University until a year and a half later. And at 27 years old, I am nowhere near knowing when or how Tyler and I will have children.

Suddenly 27 feels so close to 30, and 30 haunts me as the age all the books say it will only become harder to get pregnant. And I am left wondering, How can it be any harder than it is now? 

Because it is so hard.

It is hard to know what to feel, what to do, what to plan. I feel heartbroken every month that I throw another negative pregnancy test in the trash can, but when I pray I don't feel good about going back to the fertility clinic. I feel like our home is hollow and empty without children, but I love our life together right now. I feel anguish at others' pregnancy announcements, but I feel excitement for them too. I am constantly in emotional turmoil and, I must admit, I am exhausted.

This week I do not feel brave. I do not feel like I have any divine wisdom to share with any one who reads this. I feel weak and vulnerable and exhausted. I thought about keeping it to myself, but I thought I should share this side of the story, too.

I mean, I am real. And I feel.

I feel broken. I feel happy. I feel despondent. I feel positive. I feel hopeless. I feel conflicted. But I FEEL!

This life is about feeling things: good things and bad things. This life is about discovering feelings, overcoming feelings, being empowered by feelings.

Today is hard. This birthday is hard, and I have no idea how much harder is still ahead of us. But we have each other, and we endure the hard days, birthdays, holidays, all the days together.

Happy Birthday, you're not pregnant. Keep feeling.
XO