Into the Forest I go...

I read this quote not too long ago, probably on Pinterest,

"And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul." 

and I thought of it again this weekend while I wandered through trees and around lakes in the Uintas.

We went camping with our family. If you haven't camped in the Uintas, put it on your bucket list and check it off soon. By far, it is among the most beautiful places I have ever seen! It's cold, it will probably rain at some point during the day, but it is worth staying for.

Most of the family fish. I don't. So I walked the trails along and around the lakes, thinking, taking in the majestic views, and taking pictures.

I watched my brother-in-law and sister-in-law with my nephew. I watched them teaching him to fish for the first time. I watched them walk hand-in-hand. I watched them be the adorable little family I love. And while I watched them, I thought of the babies I never knew and I thought of Max. I thought about this time last year and how we wondered what our lives would be like a year from then. I knew then that it was very possible that Max wouldn't be here, but I'd hoped with all of my being that he would be. Tyler and I had dreamed of how our little family would be with a son with many disabilities. We embraced it. We weren't scared of living that life. We were only scared of not having our little boy. And as I watched my sister-in-law swing my nephew up to sit on her shoulders, I thought about how Tyler had said he would carry Max every day of his life, if he couldn't walk. And as our sweet little nephew ran around the lakes and through the mud and tall grass, I thought of how I could have a baby carrier strapped on me with Max while I followed.

I wondered what life would be like if Max had lived. And I even dared to wonder what life would be like if Max had been a completely healthy child.

In these thoughts, my heart teetered between joy and pain. Joy in what I have, and pain in what I've lost. Joy in what could be, and pain in what may never come again.

I don't know what the future holds right now. I don't know how Tyler and I will create a family. I don't know what the Lord has in store. But I do know that the Lord has a plan. I know that in the future I will feel the joy I once held in my arms again. I know that in my soul.

My soul is at such complete peace in the mountains. In the quiet, beautiful places the Lord has created I feel I can hear Him best. I can let go of all the crazy things that pester my mind in the real world, and I can escape to my true soul in the shadow of the trees.

So, as I pondered by the lakes, this weekend, I thought of that quote and this little poem came to me.

Finding peace in the quiet of the mountains.
Finding joy in the land of the Lord.
Finding hope in the great wide open.

I lost myself in the forest,
but I found my very own soul.
-Brittany King

XO.

All Made Right

My heart, albeit still quite tender, is mending. The pieces, so carefully placed back together, are binding and fusing into place. And it feels stronger than it ever has.

I was embarrassed to admit my defeat to all of you in my last post. I felt so ashamed in my anger and bitterness. But I am only human. I am imperfect and prone to feel the sting of it. For the first time in my life, my faith slipped like sand through my fingers. I wanted to hold on to it in that moment. I knew I needed it. I desperately tried to hold on, but I couldn't keep it all within my grasp. There was a booming voice within me that hushed the quiet voice of peace. A confusion began to rock me and I felt uneasy on my own feet. Suddenly, I knew nothing, except that everything felt hopeless. 

How could I pray and talk to God? He knew what had happened. He knew what had been done. He knew how I felt. I had nothing new to tell him. And how could I receive peace from this God who took away all the happiness I had ever been given? It was too much; it felt like too much. How could I keep going? How could I keep believing? How could I keep enduring in faith?

Well, how could I not??

Let me tell you, even in my fit of anger and my calls of betrayal, My Lord never left me. He stood by. He waited for me to calm. And He outstretched His arms for me when I, at last, collapsed into His love. Because he never, ever leaves us. Even when we step away, even when we run away. He waits. He stands by, arms ready to catch us. George Q. Cannon once said, "No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, God will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character to do so... He will always stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them." We leave God. God does not leave us. Ever.

So, how could I not remain faithful to a God who remains ever faithful to me? How could I desert the the God that gave me Max and the hundreds of miracles that came in those 5 weeks of his life and in the months following its end. How could I let this setback allow me to forget everything He has blessed me with? Because that is just it, ya know? We all have difficult mountains to climb. We all have tough trials to endure. It is life. It is not punishment from God. It is not a curse. It is just life! And if we take a good look around and evaluate everything, then we can really see all that the Lord does for us to help us get through those hard times. He is always right there, giving us help and blessing us with the tools we need to endure. And when we feel like no one understands, like our pain is just too great, there is One who does understand and He will take away all our pain. 

Our loving, pure, perfect Savior sacrificed all He had for each of us. When he atoned in the Garden of Gethsemane, He felt each of our pains and heartbreaks. He has carried each of our burdens. He knows our griefs; he knows every ache. Because of His ultimate act of love, because of Him we can be made whole. I recently read in Preach My Gospel, "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ." There is no promise more beautiful than that! Everything that is difficult, heartbreaking and unfair in this mortal existence cannot ruin eternity. The Savior has paved a way for us to achieve more happiness than we can ever comprehend. 

We cannot focus on the trials, the losses, and the hardships, because there is still so much more to be grateful for. Christ and Heavenly Father are always constant; they are always there. So, there is always hope. 

So, no, I cannot give up that faith. I cannot give up the faith that sustains me. I cannot give up the God that never gives up on me. I cannot give up on the only hope I have. I cannot give up on His great plan of happiness that promise me joy. I can endure this. We can all endure. We can persevere through it all, because we are never alone. We are never left empty handed. If we just seek the Lord, if we just reach our for His help, we can conquer anything. "We are more than conquerors through Him that loved us." (Romans 8:37)