A much Happier life.

When last I posted, I declared my resolve to be More Content and Less Bitter.

I'm happy to report a miraculous difference in how Tyler King and I feel. I promise, it feels as if the weight of the world has been lifted.

Bitterness is exhausting! More exhausting than I even realized. It was exhausting to constantly be comparing my life to others or hating other people for having what I want. What a waste of time. What does jealousy and bitterness get you? I'll tell you what you get:
scowl lines
heartburn
sleepless nights
fights
headaches
and an unhappy heart, just to name a few...
Basically, you get NOTHING GOOD!

What are you holding on to? What are you bitter about?

You have to make a choice. You have to make it NOW. You have to decide that you are done being sad or angry about whatever you feel is unfair or unjust in this life.
You have to say, "I am ready for a much happier life!"

Because happiness is a choice! I have definitely learned the truth of that. Despite all the crap that can encircle us and weigh down on us in life, there are ALWAYS beautiful blessings that angels stuff into the cracks of our sinking ships, and they keep us afloat. So, instead of worrying about sinking, we can be grateful we are still floating!

Because I refuse to sink into the depths of despair, I will conquer. I will be triumphant! I will come out of these trials a better and more courageous person. I will be a happier and more loving wife, daughter, sister, friend, and Mother. Because, while it feels never-ending, this will be such a small moment of my great life. Someday, when I am a happily exhausted wife and mother, I will look back and be so grateful I gave up bitterness and chose A Much Happier Life.

More content, less bitter.

"...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
Philippians 4:11

This was my Scripture of the Day Yesterday.

This is what comes up when you Google the word "content:"

con·tent¹

kənˈtent/

adjective

1. 1.

   in a state of peaceful happiness.

   "he seemed more content, less bitter"

Well, then!

Let's be honest, shall we?

I try to stay positive and hopeful through the struggles of infertility, and yes, the Lord has blessed me with peace since losing my first pregnancy at 12 weeks. 

But, honestly, am I content? Am I more content, and less bitter? That definition was so profound to me. 

I would like to think I am perfectly content, but, Ha! That would be a big ol' fat lie. Somedays I am a little bitter... okay, honestly, some days I am quite bitter. 

I get bitter, because there are teenagers having babies.

I get bitter, because there are women getting pregnant from one-night stands.

I get bitter, because there are women getting pregnant on birth control.

I get bitter, because there are couples who just say, "Baby!" and get pregnant.

I get bitter, when a mother with a crying baby says to me, "Are you sure you want one of these?" (Duh, lady! I didn't pay thousands of dollars to get pregnant, because I am unsure about having children)

I get bitter about the expense of infertility, taking medicine, having ultrasounds, getting my blood drawn, and peeing on sticks.

And I get bitter, because for 2 years we dreamed of finally becoming parents and when the dream, finally, came true it got cut short. 

So, yes, OKAY! Don't judge me! I am quite bitter some days. Not every day, but some days. Which, I guess, means that I am not so content...

What a profound affect this little scripture and definition have had on me! I NEED to be content. I need to be happy with where I am. This is my life! It's not going to change right now. I have to accept that and enjoy every minute of it. 

So, for now atleast, I am not peeing on sticks or getting my blood drawn every other week. I am going to be in a state of peaceful happiness. I am going to be content with my amazing husband. I am going to enjoy being an aunt to two perfectly adorable nephews before I get caught up being a mom to my own cute kids (Yes, my children will be the most darling gingers you've ever seen!)

What, in your life, is making you bitter? Give it up! Let it go! That is what I have to say today. Choose to be content. Choose to stop being bitter. Choose to change and be happy. That is all in your power.

Much love.

XO

Bravery

So, I finally read Divergent. GREAT BOOK. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend that you do. It has a beautiful message about accepting who you are, overcoming fear and becoming Brave. 

While I read, I thought a lot about things I am afraid of... which is a LOT of things.

I am afraid of the dark.
I am afraid of water deeper than I can see or stand.
I am afraid of stuffed animals- not the toys, the taxidermy- Like in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, and he screams for 2 minutes straight in the room with all the mounted heads.
I am not quite as afraid as I used to be of people dressed in character costumes, but I would probably still run, screaming if Chuck E. Cheese walked up to me.
I am afraid of heights.
I am afraid of confined spaces, whether caused by enclosed walls or a crowd.

I used to be afraid that I would never get pregnant... Now, I am afraid to be pregnant again. 

In Divergent, Four is explaining to Tris what it really means to be Brave, He says. "Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it."

That really stuck with me. I keep thinking that I have to become fearless to be this Brave person that I aspire to be. Then, I read that and think I am pretty courageous. I used to think that courage and bravery had to be huge, newsworthy, heroic acts. Now, I realize that the small steps we take toward overcoming our fears every day are brave. 

Bravery is walking into the postpartum unit to visit a friend who just had a baby, weeks after I woke up there knowing I had just lost mine.

Bravery is only needing to go to the bathroom once to cry during a baby shower.

Bravery is admitting heartache and crying in my husband's arms.

Bravery is staying strong to hold him while he cries.

Bravery is, finally, realizing that this is not a nightmare, that it has all been real, breathing deep, and no longer trying to "wake up."

Bravery is peeing on sticks again and hoping for the best.

Bravery is having faith in what the future holds.

So, be Brave and Live.

XO.