Happy Birth Day, Boston!

Who knows? By now, you might have already arrived, you may have come today, or we might still be waiting to see your cute face. But today is the day the doctors, the apps, and the calculators said I was due to have you. We would have found out if you had the red hair we'd been hoping for, if you looked more like me or your daddy. But, guaranteed, we would have cried with joy over how perfect you were.

Oh, we miss you. We still love you with every beat of our hearts. Nothing could ever change that. You are our greatest miracle, Boston.

I have thought of you everyday since finding out you existed, but you have been heavy on my mind throughout what would have been my last trimester. I don't think I have ever wished to be so fat or hot! I would've loved to have spent the last month waddling around, roasting in the summer heat, waiting for you to arrive. Some days, I still can't believe you're really not coming.

I'll be honest. Mommy has had good days, okay days, and really bad days. The really bad days haven't been my proudest moments, but I can't help how much I loved you or how much it hurt to lose you. I now understand what it feels like to really have a broken heart. I thought I had experienced it before, but I was wrong. It is a real and physical, excruciating pain. When the doctor took my hand and told me you'd stopped growing, that you were no longer living in the little home I'd given you, the words were like hands around my throat. They sucked all the air from me, and when I could no longer breathe, then came the pain in my chest. I felt a fault line form down that center as my heart cracked apart and shattered. Trust me, the 2 weeks that followed were filled with some of the most horrible pain I've ever endured, but nothing can compare to that pain of a breaking heart.  I thought it would stay that way forever. I couldn't imagine how we could ever recover from such emotional pain. There, in the ultrasound room, it felt like all was lost. I didn't know how we ever would move on without you.

But ya know what fixes a broken heart, little one?

Love. 

And, man oh man, are we a greatly loved family! Your Grandma and Grandpa King were constantly by our side. They took care of everything and left us with nothing to worry about. Grandma Garrett came all the way from Arizona to take care of me when Daddy went back to work. And then came the meals, gifts, condolences. I know we are biased, but we really do have the best family and friends in the world! We are so incredibly blessed. They had all loved you the moment they knew about you, too. And it hurt them almost as much to lose you. 

Last, but never least, the pure and all-encompassing Love of the Savior saved our souls. He healed us. Our hearts were mended by his merciful Atonement, and we survived. Because of His love and His plan, you are not lost to us.

Boston, it is hard without you, but it is still a good life. Your short existence brought us more joy than losing you could destroy.

 

So, today, we cannot just sit at home crying our eyes out, wasting your special day feeling sorry for ourselves. Today, we have to celebrate you! We will celebrate our love that created you, and the love you created in those 12 short weeks. Our love for you and each other grows with each and every day. You have no idea what you have done for us. What a special little one you must be to have changed us so much in such a short time.
You are our angel. 

We adore you, sweet Boston.

Happy Birth Day!
Love, Mommy & Daddy

XO

Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Its hard to believe that July has arrived and is almost over! I thought winter would never end, and then, suddenly, summer is almost over. What's harder to believe is that summer will come and go, and Boston won't be here. Some days it really still surprises me. And I'm amazed by that. I just keep thinking I'll get used to it. But every now and then, I wake up in disbelief that it's not January 10th and this hasn't just been the most horrible nightmare.

Next Tuesday will be my due date, but I won't be going to the hospital or bringing home a new baby. Instead, I'll be spending the day in Park City with Tyler. It will be an amazing day together, I'm sure, and its not a bad way to spend the day, but it's not what I had in mind for July 29th 6 months ago.

I have been running on a serious happy high for the past few weeks. We've just been loving life and feeling great. I got really settled into that and thought the rest of the month would just be a total breeze and not phase me, that I could just keep feeling fantastic. But, unfortunately, I'm actually a human being with a heart. And that heart is still pretty tender. 

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure I will feel brighter soon, but for now I'm just going to carry my heavy heart, have a good solid cry and miss the baby I never got hold. What else can I do? Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Xo.

This is still a GOOD LIFE

When you have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years, eventually, you have to start looking for the silver lining. And trust me, its there. So, if may be honest, there actually are some perks to the childless years. There could be more if we weren't going broke trying to get pregnant, but we'll take what we can get! Not a dime we've spent on infertility could ever be called wasted, and we've decided not to let any of this time we've been given be wasted either.

Unfortunately, I did waste a lot of time in the beginning of our journey wishing for a different life and missing what was right in front of me. Well, not anymore!

Last Friday night I got home and started rummaging through the fridge, wondering what I should cook for dinner. Tyler called with a proposition, "Let's go camping!" The boring adult in me immediately responded, "It's already 7 o'clock, we're not packed, we don't have anything ready to go camping." Obviously disappointed, Tyler agreed and said he'd be home soon. After we hung up I started thinking...

Why couldn't we pick up and go camping? What responsibilities did we have?Besides laundry, dishes, house chores and all that stupid nonsense. What was keeping us home? We had no plans, camping is practically free (unless you go all out on camping treats, which we did!) and it was supposed to be a beautiful night with a full moon.

By the time Tyler got home, to his great excitement, I had the bedding piled in the living room and an overnight bag packed and ready to go. We threw everything in the jeep, stopped at Maverick for firewood, hit the grocery store for snacks, and headed up to Avon. We crossed our fingers that our favorite spot would be open, and it was! We set up camp as the sun set and started cooking dinner.

We settled in by the fire, roasting marshmallows under the moon's bright light. We talked and laughed until the middle of the night. This, right here, was perfect.

 

We couldn't just pack up and run away if we had a baby, and we certainly couldn't be doing this if I was 9 months pregnant. Does it change that I'd rather be 9 months pregnant? or at home snuggling a baby? No, of course not. But I'm not pregnant and we don't have a baby. So, should we feel guilty about enjoying things that are out of our control? NO! Do we have every right to still enjoy this life and have adventures? YES!

When it comes to infertility, there can be so much that is unfair and heartbreaking. You have to do your best to find the difficult blessings  you deservedly earn for enduring to the end! I thought July would be the hardest month of my life, but Tyler and I are happier than we've been in years! We have finally figured out that we are allowed as much joy as anyone else, with or without children. We're not wasting away the days wishing for a better life, because despite how hard it can be, this is still a GOOD LIFE! It is a great life! 

Live the good life.
XO

Difficult Blessings

The greatest bit of wisdom I have received lately was from a talk by an amazing young woman in church a couple of Sundays ago. Ashlee is getting ready to serve a mission in Florida and I just know she will be amazing! But in her talk she said something that really stuck with me about trials.

"Trials are just difficult blessings." I wanted to shout, "AMEN!" from my seat.

We all experience hardship in this life. God didn't send us down here to breeze through and learn nothing. What would be the point of that? If we couldn't make choices, we'd never learn from consequences. If we never experienced defeat, we'd never know victory. If we never endured pain, we'd never feel joy. If we never had trials, how would we notice our blessings?

And, really, we are SO blessed! I not only have one pair of shoes (which is more than some people have), I have enough pairs to go a month before I'd wear the same pair twice. I have a home and a big comfy bed. Any meals that I have missed in my life have been of my own choosing. The list goes on and on!

Even as we have struggled through infertility and loss, we have been able to see SO many blessings. Right now, we don't have children, but we have been incredibly blessed with 2 perfect nephews, cousins, and friends' kids. We have grown so much closer as a couple and recognize this time we have to spend together, before children, as a blessing. Our testimonies are bigger than ever, and our love for the Savior is indescribable.

Some blessings just come easily. Some blessings we are born with, or we are given without much effort. But some blessings we work and toil for. The blessings that come after the journey we weren't sure we could survive; those difficult blessings are the ones that often mean the most to us.

Count your many blessings, and be grateful for the most difficult ones.
XO

Patience

I came across this quote on Pinterest (Oh, Pinterest!) and it really got me thinking. 

I don't know about you, but I have never mastered waiting. I mean, let's face it, we are human, and waiting for things we want is just plain crappy. Especially now, when we live in a world where anything we want to know and much of what we want is available to us on a device that fits in our pocket. 

You're not sure how to spell a word? Your phone has spell check.

You're not sure how to get somewhere? You have GPS.

You want to know who the actor is in this movie? No need to wait 'til the credits, you have an IMDB app for that. Now you know who they are, where they were born, and what other shows they have been in. 

You want a pizza? You don't even have to call to have it delivered anymore! You download the app, pick your crust, toppings, and pay for it all on your phone. 20 minutes later that pizza guy is knockin on your door.

You want that TV show season that was just released on DVD? Amazon prime can have it on your doorstep in 2 days, and the shipping is FREE!

You want anything delivered to your house in 2 days? You can most likely get it on Amazon. 

You have a question about, really, ANYTHING? Google it.

The list goes on. But the moral of the story is that the internet age has turned us into VERY impatient people. 

And the moral of our story is that being surrounded by people having babies has made us very impatient for our own. So, we've tried to be patient, thinking that meant we had to learn to wait. Well, guess what! Despite all the waiting these last few years, we have not developed the ability to wait and, therefore, are not patient. Right? WRONG!

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting." 

Everyday is different, of course! But I think for the most part, we are getting there. We are learning to be patient. We are learning that despite what we don't have have, life is good! We can be happy and adventurous, and have FUN while we wait for children. We don't have to mope around wishing for better days. Better days are HERE, if we just enjoy right now! That's what it means to be patient. So, stop sitting around hating the life you have because you are wasting your time waiting on the life you don't have yet. 

Think about that.

XO.

Good friends, a laugh, and the Big Bang.

Once I found the right one, I always liked my birth control. I didn't gain weight or get acne. I could regulate my periods, and was spared much of the pain of bursting cysts that had accompanied my cycles prior.

In case you were wondering, when a cyst bursts on your ovary it feels like someone has jabbed a knife into your side and then continues to twist it around for about 2 or so hours. Once it strikes, there isn't much you can do. You assume the fetal position, grab some Redvines and Yorks, apply heat and (dramatically) wait for death...

Yeah. It's pretty great.

So, when one strikes, along with a few expletives, the words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper come to mind, "Oh! What fresh Hell is this?!"

...And, if you are really lucky, a good friend will embroider that thought on a rice bag for you.

XO. 

Things will work out.

I came across this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley today on Pinterest,
and it spoke to my soul!

When wandering the path of infertility it can be extremely hard to keep trying and believing. It can feel impossible to be happy. It can be a task to try and not get discouraged. And, sometimes, you want to punch people who say, "Oh things will just work out!" But don't wind up and throw your fist just yet.

I'm here to say, the truth of it is, THINGS WILL WORK OUT. Things will work out somehow. They may not work out in the way you wanted, or the way you thought, but things will work out just as they should.

Keep Trying & Be Believing

Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the lightbulb.

Michael Jordon was cut from his high school basketball team.

Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.

Walt Disney was fired because he "lacked imagination and had no good ideas."

Beethoven wrote 5 of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf. 

27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss.

Be Happy
Don't let what's not happening in your life keep you from happily enjoying all that is happening! If you spend all of your time focusing on what you are missing you will miss out on what you have.
Even though we would love to have children of our own, we can use the time that we don't to be the most fun aunt and uncle ever! Our nephews are absolutely our 2 greatest joys! Not to mention, we are extremely blessed with younger cousins and adopted nieces and nephews from our dearest friends. We are surrounded by children we can spoil, cuddle, and care for.
As much as we look forward to the insanity of juggling parenthood with marriage, we recognize how important it is to enjoy this time that it is just the two of us. We try to cherish every moment! We don't want to look back on this time and have regrets about how we drifted apart amidst this trial.

Don't Get Discouraged
This one is hard, I know! I have yet to master it, but I'm working on it. There are so many things that seem to not be working. Don't focus on that stuff. Learn to celebrate any small accomplishments or tiny steps of progress. Even little glimmers of hope are HOPE! Cling to hope and don't give up.

Things Will Work Out

If you can just keep a positive attitude as you stumble along your journey, I promise you will see things work out. It probably won't be what you wanted or expected, but it will be everything you needed. 

Attitude Adjustment

Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, while I, apparently, carry mine in my hair. Anytime I am faced with emotional distress, or great life changes, I bust out the scissors or the hair dye.

High School graduation: cut 8 inches and black low-lights
19th Birthday: box dye black hair
1st year living on my own: blonde highlights
Boyfriend left on mission: platinum blonde
Break-up: return to redhead
Break-up, again (don't ask! lol): chop to chin
Happily married: grew hair out- longest it's ever been!
Miscarriage: emotional box dye job that, thankfully, didn't really go cherry black!

So, as I faced starting Femara again, I found myself falling into a black hole that I couldn't seem to get out of. I had worked so hard to find happiness after our loss, and I really was content for so long. But starting the process to get pregnant again just knocked me right out of that happy zone. I was feeling so depressed and my attitude completely sucked! I was grumpy and whined about my stupid ovaries incessantly. And, if I am honest, with my due date fast-approaching I am reminded that our baby isn't coming, and I don't think that will ever stop hurting.

When I woke up Sunday morning I did not want to go to church. I felt so tired from the Femara and I just wanted to pull the covers back up over my head, cry my eyes out and go back to sleep, buuuut I had done that the Sunday before. I forced myself out of bed and we walked into the foyer, late, just as the speaker was beginning her talk. We sat down, and immediately I knew that was where I needed to be. If sweet Camille had written that talk for anyone, it was for me. She spoke about trials and enduring in Faith; all things I knew. She even referenced a talk by Thomas S. Monson that I have read and used multiple times, but it was all hitting me like brand new information! My hardened shell began to crack... Oh, the Lord knows us so well. He knows just what we need to hear and he knows when we need a good butt kicking.

Well, more than ever, I was absolutely sick and tired of feeling crappy and sucking the happiness out of our house. I spent the rest of the day fighting my rotten attitude and trying to figure out how to get myself out of this funk. By Tuesday, I knew I needed a major attitude adjustment, so what else seemed more appropriate than a haircut?! Thank the Lord for good friends with home salons! My dear Courtney saved me in my desperation for change.

I lost 10 inches of hair and found my HOPE!

Cheers to being happy again!
XO

Not bitter. Just annoyed.

I promise, I'm not being bitter. I really did give that up...

Having a pity party isn't being bitter. It's just throwing a quick tantrum and then moving on. So, that's all I'm doing. I just need to throw a few things, have a fit, and then I will be just fine ;)

In taking slow steps back to the trial and error of infertility, I asked my doctor's office to draw my blood to see at what level my progesterone is hanging out these days. Of course, I knew what the answer would be: my pesky progesterone has returned to the low, single digits (must be double digits to maintain a pregnancy, e.g. my progesterone was a 40 when I got pregnant with Boston)

Was I surprised? No.
Was I outraged? Not really "outraged," just reallly reeeeeallly annoyed.

I think what is even harder than accepting that Tyler and I will not have a baby at the end of July, is accepting that I have to go through all this crap again! I feel like going back to the infertility clinic is doing a walk of shame of the worst kind, like worse than a bridesmaid walking home in an unzipped dress with one shoe on. I was so excited and confident about my pregnancy with Boston, I walked out of that office like they would never see me again, "Peace out ladies! I'm dooooone!" I just can't believe I have to go back.

After I accepted the loss, I got my head wrapped around this wild idea of my body learning to do what it should and miraculously getting pregnant on our own. Now that I know that isn't happening, I feel so defeated... and mad.

I'm mad at my stupid ovaries and my stupid uterus. I'm mad that they just can't get into gear and work like they should. I even yelled at them. I told them they sucked and, unless they wanted to experience my wrath, they should get their act together and start working. They responded by giving me a period... how kind. Of course, of alllll they things they can do! *major, teenager style eye roll*

ANYWAY. I threw my fit, and I'm moving on. Tantrum over, I swear.


Wish me luck with my ovaries!
XO

Resolve to know MORE

Resolve to know MORE 

National Infertility Awareness Week 2014

#Resolve #ResolveToKnowMore #NIAW

I sincerely hope that those who have followed us on our journey feel more educated about Infertility. I know that Tyler and I certainly had NO idea what infertility really meant before we faced it. Most of us figure we'll decide to have a baby, try for a few months, and BAM! We'll be pregnant. However, for 1 in 8 couples, it won't happen that way...
 And we are the 1 in 8.

I always thought that Infertility referred to those who could never have children, or if you were old and had been for trying for years and years. I never thought, at the age of 24, when I expressed concern to my doctor after trying to conceive for 9 months that she would recommend we start researching Infertility and begin treatment. How would I have known that my progesterone levels are practically non-existent? Or that I rarely, if ever, ovulate on my own?

So, almost 2 1/2 years and 1 miscarriage later, HERE WE ARE! 

Still crying, still hoping, and still trying.

What do you know about Infertility?

According to the World Health Organization: Infertility is defined as "a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical, full-term pregnancy after 12 months of regular unprotected sexual intercourse."

It is a disease. We aren't struggling, paying tons of money to get pregnant because we haven't relaxed enough. *insert eye roll & you-are-dead-to-me stare here*

According to Resolve.org: 30% of Infertility problems are male, 30% are female, 20% is unexplained, and 10% is a combination of problems with both partners.

Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S., or 1 in 8 couples. (2002 National Survey of Family Growth)

But for couples enduring infertility, it is SO much more than scientific facts and statistics. It is heartbreaking. I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was a little girl who played with her dollies. I was ALWAYS the Mom when I played house with my friends. I started babysitting my cousins when I was 9 years old. By the time I was 12, babysitting was my regular source of income, and by 17 I had a steady Nanny job after school. I always imagined growing up, graduating from college, getting married and having babies. That was my life plan... So when I had the husband and the degree, the next step was obvious.
We had no idea that we would be starting such a long journey. Infertility is different for everyone. For some, it takes years to get pregnant. For some, it takes medications to correct problems. For some, it takes expensive & invasive treatments. For some, it means that natural conception is not an option. For some, it means enduring numerous miscarriages. There are many different journeys, but they all cause heartache. They are all expensive and inconvenient and unfair. And while there is a growing community trying to raise awareness, it is still a very misunderstood disease. We are constantly bombarded with people who try to diagnose us, or tell us we're just overthinking it. We kind of want to punch those people in the face, just a little.

So, How do you know if it is time to see a specialist?

It is suggested to see a Reproductive Specialist after 12 months for women under 35, but after just 6 months if the woman is over 35. If you are looking for a great clinic in the Salt Lake City, UT area, consider Reproductive Care Center! Everyone here is so caring and genuinely invested in you. We have loved this office. When we found out we were pregnant they jumped and cheered with us. When we lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks, they cried with us. When we needed time to grieve before trying again, they supported us.

How can you support family/friends facing Infertility?

RESOLVE TO KNOW MORE! 

If your friends or family members are open with you about the medicines they are taking or the treatment they are undergoing, you can do research so that you can try to better understand what they are going through. You can check in with them to see how they are doing, be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. Even if you haven't gone through Infertility struggles doesn't mean you can't be sensitive to their pain.

Now, not everyone chooses to be as open about their struggles as others. Not everyone is crazy enough to post his/her intimate feelings and struggles on the world wide web. Who has two thumbs and shares way too much information?
This girl!

If, that is the case, and friends or family have alluded to or only expressed limited details about infertility struggles, respect their privacy! Let them know you are there to support them, but don't bother them for details. Infertility is a very emotional and private matter for most couples, and the best you can do is just love them and pray for them. If you are announcing a pregnancy, be sensitive to those around you. Be understanding and share with them privately, send a note or an email. It's not that we aren't happy for you, but it is definitely nice to have private time to react. We want to be able to show you our excitement and support, but we might need a little time.

If you wonder why a couple may not have any children, DON'T ASK! I know I've been over this before, but I'll say it again, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Some couples may not ever tell anyone about their infertility struggles. (Not everyone is going hashtag #infertility, sharing pictures of ovulation tests and blood draws.) They certainly don't need you to painfully remind them when you ask, "Why don't you have any kids yet??"

Resolve to know more.

Learn more, so you can be a better friend and loved one. Learn more, so you can be more considerate. Learn more, so you can be supportive. 

Thanks much from Infertiles everywhere.

XO


http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html 

Ready or Not? Not.

It's already been 3 months since I was 3 months pregnant. 3 months since we found out we'd lost Baby Boston at 12 weeks. 3 months since my D&C at 13 weeks, because my body just couldn't let go of that little fetus. 3 months since I woke to the empty realization that my baby was gone.

Yep! That was me, already showing at 11 weeks.

3 MONTHS.

And while January felt like a hell that wouldn't end, the time since has raced passed me faster than I can believe. The break in my heart still feels like a fresh wound, and some days I still wake up expecting to be pregnant, thinking that surely I must have dreamed a terrible nightmare. I still wear the maternity leggings I had just purchased days before- partly because I wish I was still pregnant and partly because, let's be honest, they're too comfortable to give up. Why can't it be fashionably acceptable to wear stretchy pants all the time??? I mean, really! Aaaaand back on topic...

I can't believe its been 3 months.

I've been ready to be pregnant again since February, but that's easier said than done. I hoped that 3 months of pregnancy had healed my body, and by some miracle it would start working like it should. I dreamed that we would get pregnant by surprise- no doctors, no meds, not tests.

Nope!

So, now we face the decision to start Femara, again. Femara wasn't bad. It made me really sleepy, but that was hardly much to complain about after the havoc Clomid raged on my hormones and emotions. And I got pregnant the 3rd month I was on it, so the problem isn't about taking Femara. Its everything that comes with really starting to "try" again. For those of you who think, "Trying is the fun part!" SHUT UP! Trust me, you have obviously never "tried" to get pregnant. There is nothing fun about ultrasounds when there's no baby, having your blood drawn all the time,  and taking pee tests at the most accurate ovulation read time (which, by the way, takes about 4 minutes to season and is when you are at work, using the public restroom)

Right now, Tyler and I are so happy! We have found peace after the miscarriage. We have fallen more in love. And we are content. It's hard to maintain happy and content once you start the roller coaster of infertility again.

Like I said, were facing the time to decide at the end of this week... Well, my period just came 4 days early and took my time to decide!!! What a jerk. Just another reason to hate that damned messenger.

So, here I lay, exhausted, but wide awake. Weighing the pros and cons of starting Femara again tomorrow, or putting it off another month. Weighing what I want against what I can handle. And coming to the ultimate decision that, while I'm ready for a miraculous conception that takes no effort on my part (and not giving up on that idea!), I am not quite ready to head down the road of meds, and tests, and stress, and disappointment again just yet.

But, ya know what? That's okay. It's my life and it's Tyler's life. He loves me and he'll patiently wait for me, because he is just that amazingly cool. And because he knows that, eventually, I will be ready.

And someday, I will be pregnant again.

Xo.

Bravery

So, I finally read Divergent. GREAT BOOK. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend that you do. It has a beautiful message about accepting who you are, overcoming fear and becoming Brave. 

While I read, I thought a lot about things I am afraid of... which is a LOT of things.

I am afraid of the dark.
I am afraid of water deeper than I can see or stand.
I am afraid of stuffed animals- not the toys, the taxidermy- Like in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, and he screams for 2 minutes straight in the room with all the mounted heads.
I am not quite as afraid as I used to be of people dressed in character costumes, but I would probably still run, screaming if Chuck E. Cheese walked up to me.
I am afraid of heights.
I am afraid of confined spaces, whether caused by enclosed walls or a crowd.

I used to be afraid that I would never get pregnant... Now, I am afraid to be pregnant again. 

In Divergent, Four is explaining to Tris what it really means to be Brave, He says. "Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it."

That really stuck with me. I keep thinking that I have to become fearless to be this Brave person that I aspire to be. Then, I read that and think I am pretty courageous. I used to think that courage and bravery had to be huge, newsworthy, heroic acts. Now, I realize that the small steps we take toward overcoming our fears every day are brave. 

Bravery is walking into the postpartum unit to visit a friend who just had a baby, weeks after I woke up there knowing I had just lost mine.

Bravery is only needing to go to the bathroom once to cry during a baby shower.

Bravery is admitting heartache and crying in my husband's arms.

Bravery is staying strong to hold him while he cries.

Bravery is, finally, realizing that this is not a nightmare, that it has all been real, breathing deep, and no longer trying to "wake up."

Bravery is peeing on sticks again and hoping for the best.

Bravery is having faith in what the future holds.

So, be Brave and Live.

XO.

"What are you waiting for?"

"Do you guys have any kids?"
"No. Not yet..."
"What are you waiting for?!"

What are we waiting for? Oh, just waiting for the doctor recommended time to pass after the D&C I had a month ago. Then, we'll be waiting until we feel ready to move forward and try again after the loss of our little miracle.

This sweet sales associate at Verizon, who is obviously a proud and happy mother, was just trying to make polite conversation. She had no idea that she was asking the most insensitive question you can ask a couple who have tried for years to get pregnant and just suffered a miscarriage only a short month ago.

Tyler and I looked at each other having one of those telepathic conversations couples have. We were having a good day, so we decided to be nice and polite in response. (Not like the day the client at work told me that children were the Lord's greatest blessing and delaying to have children was a sin... Oh yeah, that happened! And I let her have it pretty bad. I wasn't even sorry when she apologized, almost crying.)

"We are just waiting for our bodies to work." *smile*
*embarrassed* "Oh, I'm sorry..."
"Thanks. It's okay."

The conversation could totally have ended there, but of course, it didn't...

"Well, let me tell you a story! My brother's sister-in-law and her husband tried to start a family for 10 years and had no success. So, they adopted. Then, she found out she was pregnant. She ended up having 4 more children naturally after the adopted one! You never know what will happen!!"
Thanks for sharing. *eye roll*

Here's the deal, people:
Do not ask couples questions regarding their plans to start a family. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! They may be struggling with infertility, they may have just suffered a miscarriage, they may have lost a child, or they may just not feel ready to have kids right now or ever. It is their business, not yours. Starting a family involves the most intimate part of a relationship.

You may think you are asking, "So, are guys going to have kids soon?"
But you are really asking, "So, are you having unprotected sex?" 
What kind of answer do you want? "Yeah, we ditched the birth control and we're just going at it like rabbits. Cross your fingers for us!"
(AWKWARD)

You may think you are just asking, "So, why don't you guys have kids yet?"
But you are just causing us pain, cause guess what! We ask ourselves that every day! If we were as fertile as some of our friends and family we could have 2 kids by now. You have just reminded us of how infertile we are, and how painful it is that everyone else is noticing.

The common misconception after we respond (making you feel like a creep for even bringing it up) is that you must then make it better by telling us about your brother's sister-in-law's cousin's friend's aunt and uncle who tried for 20 years and then had 10 kids. That's cool, but you do not have to tell us a bedtime story. We are adults. A simple apology is fine and we can just move on from the awkwardness that just happened because you asked a stupid question.

But the point of this blog is to help you avoid an apology by avoiding the stupid question. JUST DON'T ASK! Strangers have no business asking about another stranger's personal life. So, don't do it, Please.

Much thanks, from all infertiles everywhere.

XO

BUT I STILL HAVE HOPE

I've been dreading this day all week.
I think if you added up the hours I've slept each night it might equal, or at least be close to, a whole night's rest. I am running on fumes.
I've sped to work every morning, running late, tears falling all over my steering wheel.

Today was to be my 16 Week Ultrasound.

At 2:15 today Tyler and I would've waited in the office and placed our final bets. Then, we'd hold our breath and wait for the reveal... "It's a BOY!" Would probably have produced a huge sigh of relief from Tyler King. "It's a GIRL!" Would have made us both laugh and cry as Tyler went into a What do I do with a girl?? tailspin, and made me hope Please don't be like me! But either way, we would have claimed it was exactly what we wanted and been so incredibly grateful. We would have both laid in bed tonight imagining the most perfect porcelain-skinned, red-headed babe.
For the record we both think Boston was our baby boy. Just a thought.

But that isn't what happened today...

I woke up late.
Cried the whole drive to work.

And at 2:15, instead of holding Tyler King's hand and waiting to find out if little Boston was a boy or a girl, I walked into the doctor's office alone. I waited for them to call my name while woman after woman checked in at the front desk for their first prenatal visit, and the lady across from me rocked her darling newborn.

When they finally called my name, I walked passed the New Arrivals bulletin board covered with birth announcements. Then the nurse took me back to draw my blood for the 3rd time to see if my HCG levels have finally returned to not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant anymore. 

My clothes fit again.
I've lost 6 lbs.
The maternity pants I had just started wearing are too baggy.
The coat with the buttons that puckered over my little bump fits fine again.
My belly is soft and flattening.

What took 3 months to grow has vanished in 3 weeks.

When I close my eyes I can still see the ultrasound.
I still feel confused by the emptiness.
I still feel the way my ears started ringing, aching to hear that heartbeat again.
Behind the ringing I can still slightly hear the doctors apologizing.
I can still hear the sobs that ripped from Tyler's chest that first night.
Then, I remember waking up in post-op realizing how empty I was now that I was no longer someone's home.
I remember, for a second, wondering if they had taken my heart out during the surgery, because my chest felt just as empty.
I remember turning my head and pulling the sheet over my eyes as they wheeled me past the nursery in the postpartum unit, but being too tired to bother to cry anymore.

Days like today I end up talking to Heavenly Father A LOT. I'm a pretty vocal pray-er. I like talking out loud, waiting for His reply. I talk to him just like I would my own dad. I thank Him, sometimes I whine to Him, I ask for His help, and days like today I just beg Him. I beg Him to help me feel the peace I desperately need, I beg for His warming comfort, and I beg Him to show me all His love.
And Guess what! He never disappoints. He went with me to my appointment today. He held me tight while I felt like I would fall apart. And every corner I turn, every day, He shows me His divine Love.

It doesn't mean that life is never hard or that I'm never sad. I'm pretty shattered today, but the Lord always puts me back together. I can count on that. Just when I feel like the darkness is going to consume me, the light of Christ opens my eyes and reminds me that because of Him, even though today was hard, I still have HOPE. My Faith is bigger than my Fear.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much.