You Might be Infertile if...

You might be infertile...

if you pee on sticks & in cups on a far too regular basis.

if wayyyy too many people know about your sex life.

if wayyyy too many doctors & nurses have seen your lady bits, & you stopped caring a long time ago.

if you take your pants off in any doctor's office, even if no one has asked you to.

if you've become unphased by intravaginal ultrasounds.

if you've ever had an intimate moment with a cup.

if you've ever had to carry a cup of your swimmers into the lab at the hospital & had to fill out the awkward, page long intake form with questions like, "What kind of specimen are you dropping off today?" "How long ago was the sperm collected?" "Before this collection, when was your last ejaculation?" "How was this ejaculate collected?" etc. **By the way, who knew there were so many ways to collect sperm in a cup?!

if you have ever had an ultrasound on your scrotum.

if your sex life is planned by an ovulation calendar.

if your doctor has ever prescribed intercourse.

if you have ever cried after said Dr. prescribed, lame, timed intercourse.

if you've ever been bat shit crazy on fertility meds- yes, that is the technical, medical term.

if your experiments with sex positions are determined by likelihood of conception.

if you have ever laid with four pillows under your butt & your feet over your head after sex in hopes that somehow you've created the perfect downward slope for those swimmers to make it to your lazy eggs.

if you've ever ugly cried in the baby department.

if you've ever yelled obscenities at your ovaries.

if you've ever apologized to your ovaries out of fear that you angered them even more.

if you can't believe all the money you wasted on birth control before trying to get pregnant.

if you've googled ancient fertility methods in the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep & have almost considered putting a date in your vagina in hopes the Egyptians knew something about curing sterility.

if your ovaries have to be coxed by drugs and shots of HCG to wake up and release eggs.

if your eggs are slightly mature for their age.

if you used to think having twins would be a horror, but you're starting to not hate the idea.

if you've ever wanted to punch someone who complains about how hard it is to NOT get pregnant.

if Walgreens always prints you ovulation & pregnancy test coupons, based on your frequent purchases.

if you've ever just thought, "I give up! I'll have a hysterectomy & just adopt!"

Happy Monday, infertiles everywhere!

XO

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

You've most likely read the book, seen the movie, have the app, visited the website, or have at least heard of What To Expect When You're Expecting. For expecting mothers it is a fun way to follow each week of your pregnancy, like "today your baby is the size of a papaya," and "did you know your baby has fingernails?"  **insert more Juno quotes here

But what about when you're not expecting??? What do you expect then?

It's not like most of us grow up expecting to be infertile. Maybe some who have endured the horrors of endometriosis, PCOS, or other troubles receive some warning from doctors along the way. (But even then, you never know! Miracles do happen! Congrats again, Brandleys!!)

I, certainly, did not ever expect infertility would ever be part of my life. I didn't have any indications before trying that would have warned me. And I never had anyone really close to me have trouble getting pregnant. In fact, I had more experience seeing people who needed What to Expect When You Weren't Expecting to be Expecting.

So I'm here to tell you what no one ever told me:

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

Expect for getting pregnant to not be easy. I know it seems like everyone is getting knocked up right and left. Trust me, I KNOW! But, for the most part, it actually is normal to take 6 months to a year to conceive. You aren't even considered infertile until you've been trying to conceive for a full year. It sucks, a lot, but you are not alone! There are actually a lot of us. Those who say "Let's have a ba... OH! I'm pregnant!" are actually more rare than those of us struggling with infertility. Don't be surprised that it is hard. I mean come on, think about the human reproductive system and how much has to be in the right place at just the right time! It is a miracle anyone gets pregnant!! Am I right?!

Expect a lot of idiots. From the moment you get married, like at your reception, some fools will start asking when you are going to have kids. Like it is any of their damn business! Expect this immediately and for years to follow, and just be ready with witty responses that will make them as uncomfortable as their question. "So, when are you guys going to start having kids?" "Hopefully, 9 months from this morning!" *wink wink*  "So, why don't you guys have kids yet." "Because we hate children." "Because he's got slow swimmers." "Because my uterus is an inhospitable environment for fetal development."  "Because... oh wait, our sex life is none of your damn business!" Sheeeeesh!

Expect to be told to "Just Relax." Like I said, expect a lot of idiots. Especially during the first 2 years, a lot of people will tell you "You're thinking about it too much," or "Don't stress about it and it will just happen," and "Jusssst relax." These people are uneducated and have no idea the emotional turmoil that is associated with finding out that you have a medical condition preventing you from conceiving naturally. Just ignore the fools!

Expect advice you never asked for from people in no position to give it. Again, idiots. Everyone will have a solution for you. Everyone will know someone who tried "A" and got "B," and without knowing your condition they will suggest you do exactly what that person did and promise you the same results. Everyone will have a story for you about a friend of a cousin who tried for 5 years, adopted and then ended up having 5 more kids naturally. Try to remember that they probably mean well and they are trying to be supportive. Also, try not to punch them in the face.

Expect to cry... A Lot. After you've passed that year mark you're going to experience embarrassing breakdowns. Just expect it. You'll be minding your own business, just shopping one day and you'll stumble into the baby department and begin to uncontrollably bawl. It's okay. Nobody probably saw you, and if they did OH WELL. Have your good ugly cry right there in public, and then move on. You'll cry when you get a baby shower invite and you'll probably have to excuse yourself to go in the bathroom to cry at that shower. You'll cry when you seen birth announcements on Facebook. You might even cry every month when you get your period. (GUILTY!) Sometimes you won't even be able to pinpoint a trigger, but you'll just start bawling while you're cooking dinner. It needed salt anyway, right? Its okay.

Expect awkward moments. Aside from way too many people asking and knowing about your sex life, there will be other awkward moments. Like, if you work at a place with a lot of women who have had babies and clients ask you how yours is doing, "Nooooot meeeee." And then they insist they know you told them you were pregnant last time they came in, "Ohhh... yeaaah I was... I-had-a-miscarriage..." Awkward pause. Then they start to cry and apologize and you try to assure them its fine and its been months and not to worry, then you go to the bathroom and cry cause, well, you do that a lot! You cannot prepare for these moments, hence the awkward. And I'm super awkward so I have know wise wisdom for you on getting out of this.

Expect to learn a lot. Infertility advantage? I now know more than I ever have about my uterus and ovaries. I know way more about my reproductive system than most women who have had 5 kids. When it comes easily, you have no idea what an effort it really is. So read up, learn a lot, and use the knowledge to your advantage. Educate yourself and others.

Expect to get angry. I am a firm believer in throwing tantrums. Maybe its my red hair, but a good hair-pulling, pillow-punching, cup-throwing, curse-filled tantrum is sometimes the best way to feel better! If you're like me, you'll hold it in for too long and try to put up the ever-positive, see-my-big-smile front to make sure everyone thinks your fine. Eventually, you have to find the right place and time to let it out. Lock yourself in your room, scream and throw things. When you feel sufficiently exhausted and your voice is hoarse, pick yourself up, clean up and move on. Trust me, it will feel AMAZING. And forgive yourself when you don't make the time for the private tantrum and lose it on the client at work who wants to know why you don't have kids if you've been married for 4 years. She'll learn a lesson she needed to, and you'll still feel better.

Expect to give up every now and then. Infertility is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting. Sometimes you have to give it up for a little while. Expect to need to take breaks, and allow it! Maybe you'll need one or your partner will. Either way, it is okay. No one can judge you for this. You have to do what is right for you and for your sanity. Take a month, 6 months, a year, or even just be done. It is your body and your life. You and your partner get to decide when enough is enough.

Do not expect for everyone to be understanding or sympathetic to your struggle. You may have friends or family who just don't understand, or who are too selfish to care. I'm so sorry if you have to deal with this. It is unfair and they are jerks. Like I said, expect idiots.

Do not expect a single, quick solution. You and your partner will probably endure a lot of testing and a lot of trial and error. Sorry, but there is no single fix. Infertility results from SO many different problems and it will take a lot and a while to work out the kinks. Just do what you can and try. That's all you can do.

SORRY, do not expect a lot of financial help. Most insurance companies do not offer infertility coverage, even though it is a diagnosed condition and you see a doctor. There are some changes in the works, but they are small. Save your money and do what you can.


It sucks. Infertility freaking sucks. I know. But there are a lot of us, and even if we don't know each other we are enduring together, crying together, throwing tantrums together and learning together. It really is okay. Somehow, someday, some way, it will some how work out how it should. In the mean time just try to enjoy the journey somehow, even if you're not expecting.

XO.

Good friends, a laugh, and the Big Bang.

Once I found the right one, I always liked my birth control. I didn't gain weight or get acne. I could regulate my periods, and was spared much of the pain of bursting cysts that had accompanied my cycles prior.

In case you were wondering, when a cyst bursts on your ovary it feels like someone has jabbed a knife into your side and then continues to twist it around for about 2 or so hours. Once it strikes, there isn't much you can do. You assume the fetal position, grab some Redvines and Yorks, apply heat and (dramatically) wait for death...

Yeah. It's pretty great.

So, when one strikes, along with a few expletives, the words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper come to mind, "Oh! What fresh Hell is this?!"

...And, if you are really lucky, a good friend will embroider that thought on a rice bag for you.

XO. 

Not bitter. Just annoyed.

I promise, I'm not being bitter. I really did give that up...

Having a pity party isn't being bitter. It's just throwing a quick tantrum and then moving on. So, that's all I'm doing. I just need to throw a few things, have a fit, and then I will be just fine ;)

In taking slow steps back to the trial and error of infertility, I asked my doctor's office to draw my blood to see at what level my progesterone is hanging out these days. Of course, I knew what the answer would be: my pesky progesterone has returned to the low, single digits (must be double digits to maintain a pregnancy, e.g. my progesterone was a 40 when I got pregnant with Boston)

Was I surprised? No.
Was I outraged? Not really "outraged," just reallly reeeeeallly annoyed.

I think what is even harder than accepting that Tyler and I will not have a baby at the end of July, is accepting that I have to go through all this crap again! I feel like going back to the infertility clinic is doing a walk of shame of the worst kind, like worse than a bridesmaid walking home in an unzipped dress with one shoe on. I was so excited and confident about my pregnancy with Boston, I walked out of that office like they would never see me again, "Peace out ladies! I'm dooooone!" I just can't believe I have to go back.

After I accepted the loss, I got my head wrapped around this wild idea of my body learning to do what it should and miraculously getting pregnant on our own. Now that I know that isn't happening, I feel so defeated... and mad.

I'm mad at my stupid ovaries and my stupid uterus. I'm mad that they just can't get into gear and work like they should. I even yelled at them. I told them they sucked and, unless they wanted to experience my wrath, they should get their act together and start working. They responded by giving me a period... how kind. Of course, of alllll they things they can do! *major, teenager style eye roll*

ANYWAY. I threw my fit, and I'm moving on. Tantrum over, I swear.


Wish me luck with my ovaries!
XO

"What are you waiting for?"

"Do you guys have any kids?"
"No. Not yet..."
"What are you waiting for?!"

What are we waiting for? Oh, just waiting for the doctor recommended time to pass after the D&C I had a month ago. Then, we'll be waiting until we feel ready to move forward and try again after the loss of our little miracle.

This sweet sales associate at Verizon, who is obviously a proud and happy mother, was just trying to make polite conversation. She had no idea that she was asking the most insensitive question you can ask a couple who have tried for years to get pregnant and just suffered a miscarriage only a short month ago.

Tyler and I looked at each other having one of those telepathic conversations couples have. We were having a good day, so we decided to be nice and polite in response. (Not like the day the client at work told me that children were the Lord's greatest blessing and delaying to have children was a sin... Oh yeah, that happened! And I let her have it pretty bad. I wasn't even sorry when she apologized, almost crying.)

"We are just waiting for our bodies to work." *smile*
*embarrassed* "Oh, I'm sorry..."
"Thanks. It's okay."

The conversation could totally have ended there, but of course, it didn't...

"Well, let me tell you a story! My brother's sister-in-law and her husband tried to start a family for 10 years and had no success. So, they adopted. Then, she found out she was pregnant. She ended up having 4 more children naturally after the adopted one! You never know what will happen!!"
Thanks for sharing. *eye roll*

Here's the deal, people:
Do not ask couples questions regarding their plans to start a family. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! They may be struggling with infertility, they may have just suffered a miscarriage, they may have lost a child, or they may just not feel ready to have kids right now or ever. It is their business, not yours. Starting a family involves the most intimate part of a relationship.

You may think you are asking, "So, are guys going to have kids soon?"
But you are really asking, "So, are you having unprotected sex?" 
What kind of answer do you want? "Yeah, we ditched the birth control and we're just going at it like rabbits. Cross your fingers for us!"
(AWKWARD)

You may think you are just asking, "So, why don't you guys have kids yet?"
But you are just causing us pain, cause guess what! We ask ourselves that every day! If we were as fertile as some of our friends and family we could have 2 kids by now. You have just reminded us of how infertile we are, and how painful it is that everyone else is noticing.

The common misconception after we respond (making you feel like a creep for even bringing it up) is that you must then make it better by telling us about your brother's sister-in-law's cousin's friend's aunt and uncle who tried for 20 years and then had 10 kids. That's cool, but you do not have to tell us a bedtime story. We are adults. A simple apology is fine and we can just move on from the awkwardness that just happened because you asked a stupid question.

But the point of this blog is to help you avoid an apology by avoiding the stupid question. JUST DON'T ASK! Strangers have no business asking about another stranger's personal life. So, don't do it, Please.

Much thanks, from all infertiles everywhere.

XO

The story, as promised.

In a previous blog, I promised an amusing story about my inactive ovaries...
...AND since I know you must have been on the edge of your seat waiting to hear more about my ovaries (awkward?), here is the story, as promised ;)


First, can I just say how awesome my husband is?! I mean, no offense, I'm sure you think your hubby is great, but you are really missing out. (Not that I'm offering to share...)

Dear Mr. King, my best friend, partner in crime, lover, and 24/7 comedian is the key to the door that opened my Happily Ever After. Without him, I don't think I could enjoy this somewhat bumpy, crazy journey. But I can! Because he makes this life FUN! No matter what we come up against we fight it together, fully supportive, and fully having a blast!
Go big or go home, people.

One lazy afternoon, while laying in bed (and watching some season of some show on Netflix, I'm sure) Tyler rested his head on my belly. He laid there for a minute, then rolled over... and started talking to my belly? What a weirdo! For those who know me, they know that the problem here is how hysterically ticklish I am! I freaked out and started thrashing like a crazy person. He was amused with himself and stopped so I could catch my breath.

Once I could breathe,
"DUDE, What the heck?! Why were you talking to my belly? Ya weirdo. There is nothing in their to talk to... just belly fat!" :/
I hate being tickled, so I was slightly annoyed.
Tyler's face became very mischievous. He raised one eyebrow, and a grin spread across his face. Suddenly his face was once again buried in to my belly. Muffled by my stomach and layers of shirts I heard,
"Uhm, excuse me, Ovaries? Could you please do your job?"
We both just laughed for about 20 minutes...
Then he got a really serious look and said,
"If this works, we can call me The Ovaries Whisperer!"


This is why my husband trumps all other husbands. No matter how hard our journey through infertility gets I know we will always keep each other laughing :)

Remember to just laugh 

through the hard times; 

they are but a small moment. <3 

Dear Not-So-Helpful Stranger,

{Please read with humor. This is meant to be amusing. Not really angry ;)}

To the people who think they are doctors,

To the people who think they know how to fix us,

To the people who have no idea and just keep talking,

To the people who tell me to "Just Relax,"

To all you not-so-helpful strangers, this is what I wish I could just say to you.

I am not ashamed or secretive about Tyler's and my struggle to get pregnant. We have infertility issues. My ovaries don't seem to work (funny story about that to come in another blog). It's sad... and kind of funny! We have faith. We are happy. We know God will bless us. We appreciate support and don't mind talking about it with those who love us.

We do not appreciate your unsolicited advice.

"Well my friend's sister's cousin's wife stood on her head, sang the ABCs backwards, and chewed gum before/after/during sex and that was how they got pregnant."
"My sister's friend's mom and dad tried forever, then they stopped 'trying' and it just happened."
...and my personal favorite :/
"Just Relax."
Oh yeah, cause I'm sure that's why I don't ovulate... I'm just not relaxed enough.
*BIG eye roll*

We do not appreciate your uneducated diagnoses.

"It's probably because your husband has slow swimmers."
"It's probably because you don't have enough progesterone."
"It's probably because you don't do it enough."
"It's probably because you do it too much."
Thanks for that Doctor... oh wait, you are just an obnoxious stranger. Great.

We do not appreciate your insensitive ramblings.

One of the MANY lessons I have learned from this experience is simply about how to talk to people about babies and family. After our experience, I will never ask someone, "So when are you going to start having kids?" or "Why don't you have any kids yet?" or "Isn't it about time you start a family?" or my least favorite of all, "Don't you want children?"
...You have NO idea.

Just think before you start talking to people. Seriously! Not knowing is not an excuse. You should be smart enough to know that it is NONE of your business if or when my husband and I have children. If we are not close friends, I am not going to advertise to you our struggles. You should just have enough manners and tact to know what is appropriate and what is not. When you ramble on and on about how children are a blessing and we shouldn't put off starting a family, OR how easy it is to get pregnant and it will happen when we least expect it I want to slap you... and if you catch me on a bad day, I just might ;)

Ramble over.
Thanks for reading ;)