Stepping into Growth

"In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth, or to step back into safety."
Abraham Maslow

I came across this quote the other day, and I've thought about it a lot. 

At this point, there isn't much hope for us ever naturally achieving a healthy pregnancy. Testing after this last miscarriage revealed the same chromosomal balanced translocation that was discovered in Max's genes. So, we're just trying to figure out which one of us it is coming from. There are expensive IVF options for trying to conceive a genetically sound baby, but we're not really interested in those options. So, that leaves us with two options: We can keep trying in hopes that eventually we'd get a healthy baby, knowing that more miscarriages or birth defects would come, OR we can look into adoption. The first option is, obviously terrifying. The thought going through any more miscarriages or burying another child is unimaginable. Adoption sounds wonderful, but unless we find a healthy, nonsmoker knocked up girl who just wants to hand us her child, adoption is a lengthy and expensive process that also doesn't always have secure guarantees. 

At points, I've felt ready to give up all hope; to just stay put where we are and accept life as a family of two, afraid to endure anymore failure. Part of me, the scared part of me, thinks it would be better and safer to not try anymore. At least there'd be no more failure. I just don't know how much more loss our hearts can take! But then, the other part of me can't imagine never trying again. That part of me isn't ready to give up on becoming a mother. That part of me isn't ready to think about never getting pregnant again or never finding our children. 

And Maslow's right. In life, we can accept the hard things and move forward, ready to learn and grow through our experiences, or we can shy away in fear and never learn a damn thing. No matter how hard the last 5 years have been, I cannot deny how blessed I've felt and I cannot say I'm not grateful. Even with the losses, I am so grateful for my three pregnancies, for my sweet angel boy and the 5 incredible weeks we had with him. 

We don't get to choose our hard things. We don't get to decide the trials we face. But we do get to choose how we face them and decide what attitude we will have while we endure.

Staying put might feel safe, but it's not worth it. We have to take the leap, step up and make the hard choices and try, even if we fail.

XO

The Power of Faith

“The power of faith in our lives can be profound...
The purpose of Faith is not to change God's will, but to empower us to act on God's will... Faith is trust: trust that God sees what we cannot, that he knows what we do not. Sometimes trusting our own vision is not enough… Faith means we trust not only in his wisdom, but that we trust also in his love. It means trusting that God loves us perfectly. That everything He does, every blessing he gives, and every blessing He, for a time, withholds is for our eternal happiness. With this kind of faith, though we may not understand why certain things happen or why some prayers go unanswered, we can know that in the end everything will make sense." || Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I know I've been writing about Faith a lot lately, but it's been a subject that has been heavy on my mind for, really, the last year, but especially the last few months.

In the wake of this last miscarriage, I felt overwhelmed with misunderstanding and, even, anger. I wrote to you all about how hopeless I felt in my blog post about that pregnancy loss. After everything I'd remained faithful through, that miscarriage felt like a slap in the face. My faith suffered. For the first time in my entire life I felt ready to give it all up. A voice inside me that I had never heard, shouted at me, "If this is what we get for being faithful, then why are we even bothering?" I felt completely lost. 

Some may wonder how I got to be nearly 30, and through some of life's greatest trials without ever having wavered in faith. For me, faith has always felt like a spiritual gift to me. Faith was as natural as breathing. Trusting the Lord always made sense. And this definitely helped me greatly in my life, but it also hindered my ability to empathize with others who struggled to understand faith. But in that ultrasound room on July 28th, I understood what it felt like to grasp for faith and not find a strong hold. It suddenly felt like I could never understand God's plan or ever trust in Him. I wrestled with my thoughts as I began to tick off a list of all the reasons I did not deserve to keep enduring this pain of loss, "I try to live righteously. I pray. I read my scriptures. I go to the temple. I serve at my church. I share my testimony with others. I did not lose faith through infertility. I did not abandon my faith when we lost our first pregnancy. I did not give up faith during my pregnancy with Max. And I stood faithful and praised God while I gave the eulogy at his funeral. I did it all right. So, why this? Why now? Why more pain? Why bother? Why keep trusting?" 

Great faith requires a lot of trust- trust in God's divine plan for us, trust in His eternal love for us, trust in the Savior's infinite atonement for us. While for some faith comes a little more easily, that kind of trusting faith is not built within us or maintained by us easily. It takes daily prayer and pleading with the Lord to help us see. It requires diligently studying the words of the scriptures to help us understand. Faith takes work and action. Without it, everything, every trial and hardship, would feel impossible to overcome. But with it, it all be comes a little easier to endure. 

Faith does not make the hard struggles of life go away, but, I realized, neither does giving up your faith. If  I gave it all up, if I stopped trusting in the Lord because things got hard, things would not stop being hard. The trials of life, the struggles of mortality would remain, but my ability to navigate them peacefully and wisely would be lost. That is what faith does. "The power of faith in our lives can be profound," it can give us strength to endure that could never posses with out it. That trusting faith in the Lord offers us guidance through the difficult times and the peace we need to keep going. And that is why I cannot and will not give up my faith.

Do not give up your faith. If you already have, pray to the Lord to help you regain its power. It will take time and energy, but you will be able to hold strong to it once again.

Do not be deceived into thinking that trials are punishments, or that God does not wish to bless you. that could not be further from the truth. God is not punishing you or ignoring you. Life is just full of testing and of trying our faith. God wishes for nothing more than to bless you, and when the power of faith is alive in you the blessings become so much more evident.

 Stay true. Keep trusting. Hold tightly to your faith. Sooner than you think, it will all make sense.

XO

Faith No Matter What

A year ago today, we celebrated our anniversary early with a day trip to SLC to meet with the pediatric neurosurgeons at Primary's. We spent hours looking at the MRI they took of my abdomen trying to make sense of what to do with Max. They had given us hope that they believed he could survive to delivery, but they were not sure beyond that. An MRI after birth would tell us more, but the Dr. did feel we could lengthen Max's life with a few surgeries.

Afterwards we got dinner & took a sunset walk around Temple Square. I remember walking through the streams of sunlight as they peaked and shined around the temple, and talking about all the what-ifs: What if things turn out to be better than they look on his MRI? What if he's severely handicapped? What if none of this works?... What if he doesn't make it?

I remember standing in the shadow of the Salt Lake City Temple as Tyler wiped tears from my cheeks and said, "We know the odds don't give us a lot of hope for  long life for Max. So, we'll love him with every second we get. And when he goes, we will hold on to each other and our faith in God. That's all we can do, Brit. It's what we have to do." I knew in that moment that no matter how hard it would be to lose our son, we could do it. I knew I could get through anything with Tyler, and with the Lord. We did our signature pinky swear with tears in our eyes, saying our promise, "Forever and Always, Always and Forever, To Infinity and Beyond."

We had this talk so many times before Max was born and on daily drives to the NICU. We were constantly promising ourselves, each other and Heavenly Father that we would remain faithful, no matter what came. We knew we could not let this push us away from our faith or push us apart.

Especially after Max was born, it became even harder to accept the possibility of his death. I remember the first time they put him in my arms. He was a week old and I could not even contain my emotions. I remember thinking, "How will I ever survive without this? What will I do when I can't hold him anymore" I rocked him in tears, praying to God to let me keep him a little longer. I am forever grateful that Heavenly Father gave us the tender mercy and unbelievable miracle of five beautiful weeks with our sweet boy.

No matter the difficulty, no matter the trial, I promise you that it's never worth it to walk away from God in your greatest hour of need. Leaving faith does not erase the problems, it only erases your lifeline to endure. Keep praying. Keep believing. 

Stay faithful, no matter what.