HAPPY New Year

What began as the happiest year of our lives became the month from hell, followed by roller coaster months of depression, and now ends as the year we learned and loved more than any other.

A year ago I welcomed the New Year with one eye open, snuggled up in bed with Ty. I had fallen asleep during our Friends marathon hours before midnight, but Tyler had quietly kissed me awake and rubbed my little bump, "Happy New Year. Welcome to the best year of our lives." It was the perfect way to begin the most perfect year. At long last, we would finally have what we'd always wanted.

I never could have imagined that 2 weeks later we would find out that our little baby's heart had stopped beating, that the thing we loved most in the world was suddenly gone.

To say this year was hard would be an understatement. My process of miscarrying was awful, to say the least. My body just couldn't let go of that little miracle... maybe I just needed more time. After 7 tiring days of bleeding, contracting, and indescribable pain I finally landed in the ER, hemorrhaging. Exhausted, heartbroken and scared, I was taken in for my first surgery in my life.

The 6 weeks of physical recovery were followed by months of emotional recovery for both Tyler and I. We each had to deal in our own way. Eventually, Tyler had to admit that he was angry with God, and face Him at last to repair their relationship. Eventually, I had to admit that my depression was crippling me and seek the help of medication.

And then, as the dreaded Holidays neared, we looked at each other one night and, surprisingly, realized we were Happy. 

At long last, we are really Happy. We still don't have what we'd been hoping for. We have no evidence to give us hope that this next year will bring us anything different than the last 3. We do not have the baby we'd expected to have. We are still missing a piece from each of our hearts. But the fractures are healing and it doesn't hurt as much just to breathe. When we smile it it real, and when we laugh it is the beautiful sound I've missed so much. We are finally Happy. Happy together and happy with this life. Despite it all, this life of ours is ours. It is still good. And we are still madly in love. The trials that could have broken us strengthened us. We survived a year we didn't think we could. And we are Happy.

This is still a good life.

XO.

Holidays with Empty Arms

To all the Moms and Dads with empty arms this holiday,

First of all, I love you. Whether I know you or not, we are kindred spirits. I love you for your strength, and even for your weakness.

I have always loved the holiday season, and I still do...
but this year is definitely hard to enjoy.

This time last year we were sending Christmas cards to our closest friends and families announcing the coming of baby Boston. We received phone calls that were all shouts and sobs. We got tearful bear hugs and I got belly rubs. When I told my aunts, there was so much jumping and shouting house shaking that a ceramic plate fell off my Grandma's hutch and shattered Sorry Grandma! And a few days before Christmas I awoke to a swollen bump under my pajamas.

I never could have guessed I'd reach this Christmas with empty arms.

...But here we are, just the two of us, setting up our Christmas tree and hanging the ornament we made from our first ultrasound.

Isn't it just hard?! Still hard to believe your baby really isn't here? Harder to believe that you made it? I mean, really, surviving is pretty freaking hard.

Some days I still can't decide which is worse. Infertility or Miscarriage? They're both terrible, and together they're what nightmares are made of. But as much as losing Boston broke me, I still would choose carrying him for 13 weeks over never having him at all.

I don't know how to explain the wholeness you feel the moment you see that flicker and hear the rapid thud of your tiny little baby's heartbeat. I mean, infertility is it's own awful pain. It's like you feel like you're missing out on something, and you just... want it. But miscarriage is the gut-wrenching, soul-aching pain of having part of yourself ripped away. You were suddenly so whole, and then just as suddenly you are only part of who you were. Where once you were making life, you are now empty. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.

And all the while, the world doesn't stop. Life moves on with or without you. Everyone that was pregnant with you, had babies without you. Every "first" you looked forward to is had by others, and all you can do is watch and move along. But you have to keep moving and participating. Trust me, we tried sitting it out a few rounds but it didn't make it better. It only made us bitter.
And bitterness never was happiness.

So, we move forward. We keep them in our hearts where their memory can hold the broken pieces together. We keep them in our hearts that are slowly beginning to heal.

Know you aren't alone. Like I said, even if I don't know you, I love you. I understand you. I broke like you. I ache with you. I'll heal with you. And, more important than my love is God's love for you. Christ understands our pain and our aching. He bore our griefs. His love heals.

I offer a simple prayer for all of us, May God grant us peace, comfort, and the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. May He someday, somehow fill our empty arms.

Love & Merry Christmas to you all

Xo

Crying in Target is a Solution

I stopped at Target after a long day at work to pick up a few things. As I wandered past the baby section, I stopped to look for Christmas presents for the nephews. I sifted through the Christmas jammies and thought about celebrating Boden's first Christmas this year. I thought about how it would have been our baby's first Christmas, as well. I thought about how this time last year I was pregnant. I thought about how different this year is ending than it began.

I clung to the 3-6 month footie pajamas that I could have been buying for my baby's first Christmas and began to cry. Yep, I cried right there in Target. It wasn't a weeping-and-wailing kind of cry, but it wasn't a single, solitary tear either. It was somewhere between just-enough-to-be-embarrassing and not-too-attention-drawing.

After a while, and a prayer of thanks that no one had seemed to notice me, I hung up the pajamas and made my way out of the baby department, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

This fall has been an emotional one, with Boston on my mind so much. Deciding to take a long break from fertility treatments has been relieving and painful. Its good to have a break after 3 years, but its also been hard to accept what is and make peace with this trial. Making peace with God to help me accept that now is not my time to be a mother. Making peace with the possibility that I may never get pregnant again. Making peace with myself that I will be okay if that is the case. Making peace with the fact that this is not the first cry I've had in the baby clothes department, and that it probably won't be my last.

Sunday I taught a lesson at church on "How can I find solutions to my challenges and problems?" We read the story of Christ calming the sea, "And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.

And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?

And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"
Mark 4: 37-40

As I read that, I thought, how often do I expect the Lord to just hurry up and calm my life's storms? How often do I sink in my trials, calling out, "Master, carest not that I perish?" And how often does the Lord respond, "How is it that ye have no faith?" 

Heavenly Father can't stop every bad thing from happening to us, but he can stand by our side as we endure. I don't know who said it, but I love the quote, "Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms the child." I have felt the Lord calm me many times during this trial, even in the middle of a breakdown in the baby department at Target. I know I have grown and learned so much through hardship, and I know I still have much more to learn. 

So, how can I find solutions to my problems? I can read my scriptures every day for guidance. I can pray for strength to weather my storms, rather than for the storms to calm. Tyler and I can spend more time on each other and strengthening our marriage to withstand this trial. I can take advantage of the time I have now to cultivate my talents, and better myself. 

And I can accept that, sometimes, crying in Target is a solution, as well.

XO.

Pain demands to be FELT

October is miscarriage and infant loss month...
October is also the month that I became pregnant 1 year ago.

I could be blogging about my 2 month old smiling or holding up his head, but here I am, writing about miscarriage and infant loss month.

I would love to tell you that it gets easier with time, but the ache never goes away. Sure, it gets easier to hold babies or see birth announcements without the kind of crying that makes you gasp for air and turn blue, but it always hurts. The aching hole in my chest gets smaller but I think it will always be there, making it hard to breathe. Every time I hold one of my nephews I think of Boston. What would he be like at their age? Would he look like either of them? Sometimes its hard to hold them or look at them too much, but more often its harder to let go of them or look away. My arms and heart just hold on, desperately aching for the baby I never even got to hold.

I think that is the worst part of the loss. Its not the loss of its little life, but the loss of its whole life. It is the future we missed that hurts the most. The birth, the blessing, the first sounds, first crawl, first steps, first words, first day of school, baptism, rotten teenage years, graduation, college, marriage, LIFE! I mean, we only think Boston was a boy and we hoped for and pictured him with red hair, but we don't know. He was only a 12 week old fetus when we lost his heartbeat, and he became a memory to us.

It is the middle of the night (morning?) and I'm up writing this blog because

A. I don't ever sleep, and

B. My heart is so heavy tonight, my chest feels too crushed to relax and/or breathe. I'm just aching.

I think what I'm finding hardest about this month is that I didn't expect to get here and still not be pregnant. I just figured that once we started treatments again- viola!- we would be pregnant again. Not so. And so year three drifts past us. Three years of trying and hoping and praying got me 3 beautiful months of pregnancy, but no baby. And as often as I point out all the benefits of being childless to myself, it is never enough to make me forget him. I just miss him too much. I mean, I don't sleep as it is, but my sleepless nights have no purpose. Oh, what I would give to rock a crying baby in the middle of the night. 

I know there is a plan, and hope is not lost. I know that this life is meant for learning and growing, and I'm feeling pretty educated. I know that somehow someday, probably long from now, some little voice will call us mommy and daddy. I know that you can't force what is not meant to be, and I know that now is just not our time. But I still can't help being overcome with this pain tonight. I can't stop it.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
John Green said that. He's a genius.

XO.

Four Years Ago

Four years ago, about this time, I walked out of my bridal dressing room to meet Tyler and walk up to where we would be wed. I stepped out into the hallway, ready to take in this moment when he would see me in my wedding dress for the first time, but when I turned the corner and looked up at the man waiting for me it was... not Tyler. This red-headed stranger and I laughed as we realized the poor woman who had told us our spouses were ready was very mistaken. In her defense, what are the odds that another redhead couple was getting married about the same time on the same day? Easy mistake. I said I could just wait there for Tyler, but she insisted I have my grand entrance and hurried me back to the bride's room. When she returned, she promised she was sure she had the right husband for me this time.

I stepped into the hallway again, and when I rounded the corner, my eyes locked on Tyler's. There is something about being held in his gaze that makes me feel incredibly beautiful. As cliche and cheesy as it will sound, everything else melted away at that moment and I can't tell you too much about what else happened...

I know we made our way up the stairs somehow without tripping, despite not breaking eye contact. The room was crowded with our family and best friends, but I don't remember any faces. The Sealer spoke to us, and I'm sure he offered us some wonderful advice and I'm sure he said some beautiful words, but I can't tell you any of it.

I can only tell you that Tyler never stopped smiling and his green eyes became glassy every time he mouthed, "I love you" from across the altar. My skin burned and my stomach felt like it does before a plane's take-off. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I finally become aware enough to respond when the Sealer began the vows. There was an incredible ease in saying "Yes" that day.

Yes, I would be Tyler King's wife. Yes, I would stick it out through the tough times. Yes, I would work hard by his side. Yes, I would remain faithful with him and to him. Yes, I would love him endlessly, forever. It had never been so easy to promise anything.

Four years later, I still say "Yes" to all of it. These years have easily been some of the hardest we may have to endure in our lives, but love endures. We came out stronger and more in love than we were this day four years ago.

Tyler King is my best friend, my love for eternity. He is my strong foundation. He holds me steady when I cannot stand, and I'm generally clumsy and unsteady. He is all that is good and happy in this world. He makes sure I feel beautiful and loved every day.

I hope that he knows how much I love him. I hope that my efforts to show him how much he means to me are enough. He deserves only the best in this world, and he thinks that is me. He picked me! I'm still in awe. Gosh, I love him.

To infinity & beyond, Tyler king.
XO

I love September

*Deep sigh* The best month of the year has arrived. I love September. It represents the best beginning of my life.

The leaves are going to start changing colors. The air will get crisp, and we'll get gas station hot chocolate. That fall smell will fill the air. Cardigans, flannel shirts and slouchy beanies will make their way out of my closet. We'll celebrate Tyler's birthday, when we met and our wedding anniversary. We might even get our first snowfall. 

7 years and 2 weeks ago, I moved into my room at 3456 Iowa Avenue. It was the start of my 2nd year at WSU. There were 2 other empty rooms upstairs with me, and a few weeks later (cue September!) Lindsay Lula moved in. We instantly became attached at the hip and, one day, her friend Tyler King came to visit.

There was something about hanging out with Tyler that made me forget the seriousness of life and adulthood. He was 20 years old, didn't go to school and worked all night so he could play all day. He played the guitar, rock climbed, and loved to longboard. He drove an old Ford truck that he was always having to fix. It had a bench seat, and there was something great about the way he would pull me over to the middle and wrap his arm so tight around me. That semester of school was the most exhausting and most fun of all my college years.

We became best friends so fast, it was dizzying. He had just received his mission call, and in December he would leave for 2 years. I was waiting for a missionary that I was sure I would marry. So, we decided there was no harm in hanging out since neither of us expected much of the other.

At that time, Tyler was the kind of guy you dated just for fun. He wasn't serious about anything! I mean, we had our first kiss in our friend's living room while he played Grand Theft Auto. He paused the game, we kissed, and then he resumed stealing cars and running over pedestrians. We hung out every day, and talked on the phone all night. I don't ever remember sleeping. And I don't remember missing sleep either. He made everything exciting and made you feel like the world was a playground. He had no plans for the future, except maybe to be a professional rock climber or longboarder, which is totally hot to a 19 year old girl. He didn't see a future with me either, which meant he wouldn't "waste money on someone else's wife." Tyler only asked me along to places where he could get in for free and get free food and, to his credit, he was highly connected and you would be amazed how many free activities and meals he could get. Tyler was so much fun and he was my best friend.

However, Tyler did have these moments when he became the guy that was hard to resist...

The first snowfall of the season may not hit the valley, but usually sprinkles the mountains like powdered sugar. It was only my second year in Utah, so snow was still new and completely magical to me (It still is.) This particular day was no exception. I was just dying to see the snow in the mountains up close. I was a poor college girl without a car. So, that day Tyler picked me up from work and drove me up to Powder Mountain to play in the snow. I think I probably fell a little in love with him that day.

To put it simply, I was pretty clueless that September. I had no idea who I was. I acted like I did, like I had it all together. Truth be told, I was just a girl fighting to to keep my head above water. I was still sinking in the depths of my eating disorder, with an awfully tainted self-image. But Tyler King kind of saved me. He taught me so much. He made me realize what I was worth and what I deserved. Tyler was the kind of happiness you only get from a warm fire on a fall night, from the orange and red leaves, from gas station hot chocolate. He was like the first snowfall in September. 

He started this beautiful beginning we didn't even know was happening. That September would be the beginning of a life we didn't even know we would have. 

So, you see, how can I not love September?

XO.