Balance?

How do you balance being hopeful without having false hope?

During the summer we thought life was so simple. We took a break from Doctors and medications. We knew we couldn't get pregnant. We didn't expect to; we just had FUN.

But when we got back on track we got a little positive news from some tests, started a new medication, and started feeling hopeful like, "This is it! This is gonna happen!" 

And, of course, it feels like every time we turn around, log on Facebook, or check Instagram someone is announcing they are pregnant. Then, we get excited and we start thinking "How will we announce? What fun ideas can we come up with? This is going to be so awesome!"

How do you stay hopeful without getting so excited that you end up crying on the bathroom floor when you know that, once again, you are not pregnant? 

How?

Well, I haven't mastered anything yet, but I'm figuring out that there is no answer to this question.

There is no way to be hopeful without getting your hopes up. You HAVE to keep your hopes up. You have to keep hoping and dreaming.

What I have discovered is this: I would rather have Hope. 
I would rather endure the bitter-sweet roller coaster:
This might work, This is good news, This is it, Not this time... 

I would rather ride out the pain than delude myself and tell myself there is no hope.
I would rather take having hope, even if it hurts.

This process has taught me that it is okay to feel every single emotion. For so long I was afraid to feel. I thought it was better to keep it all in. I thought I was happier pretending it would be okay with me if we never had children. I thought I was a terrible person if I cried or got angry when someone else got pregnant and I didn't. And Tyler did the same. He was afraid to tell me how he felt, because he was worried it would make me feel inadequate.

Soon it caught up to us. We pushed away, and felt distant. The emotions were eating away inside of us while we tried to put up this "I'm Okay" front. We had to promise to be honest. We promised to tell each other everything and express our emotions. We melted together again, and became stronger.

Thanks to an article my mother shared with us, we were reminded "It's okay to hope and it's okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying."

I have to constantly remind myself that. 

So, I'm reminding anyone out there that is listening. 
Hope, even if it hurts. Feel everything, every single emotion that comes along. Feel it with everything inside you. We are humans meant to have experiences. We are not robots; we were not meant to endure our trials rigidly. That's kind of why I started this blog. It helps me feel a little more, and understand my feelings a little more. I read once that you should do what is good for your soul. Writing soothes me; it's good for my soul.

That is all today.

For the Love of Angels: How we found the RCC

I believe in God.

I believe in Angels. Both in Heaven and on Earth.

That being said, here is the series of events and the Angels that answered our prayers, which lead us to our new Dr. at Reproductive Care Center (RCC- see link in Pages tool bar)

Never in my life did I ever think that my husband and I would be fast approaching the 2 year mark of trying to conceive. How could I have? I never could have known that my progesterone level is almost non-existent and that I rarely, if ever, ovulate.

Needless to say, we were inconsolably discouraged when 9 months into the first year we still weren't pregnant... BUT one more year after that, we are better because Heavenly Father answers prayers, guides us, comforts us, and loves us.

Let me explain how Heavenly Father answers prayers, because some will argue that as we are not yet pregnant the prayer is still unanswered. As I have explained before, in my first blog post , sometimes God answers our prayers in other ways and we don't always get what we want right away.

We aren't pregnant yet, but I'd like to believe we are closer! Thanks to angels here on earth who listen to promptings and act as answers to prayers.

Angel #1 My mother-in-law, the most awesome woman! Oh, how I adore this lady. While visiting a new GYN, she was answering questions like: How many kids do you have? Do you have any grandkids? etc. Without really knowing why, she briefly explained how Tyler and I were struggling to get pregnant and how I had just finished taking clomid, which had been a terrible experience...

...Introducing Angel #2 Her Dr. had pressed for more information on what we had tried and who we were seeing. She expressed that we should really see a specialist and talk to a doctor about Femara. She gave mom literature on the place and the medication.

Angel #3 Aunt Lesley, along with all my aunts and family, was so loving and supportive. Lesley took the time to share with me that her sister-in-law Sophie had struggled to conceive as well and, if I wanted, she knew that Sophie would be happy to talk to me.

At this point Tyler and I were so burnt out after Clomid. We had already decided to take a break and wait til Fall to pursue more testing/medication. So, we took everyone's information, but we held off. We needed time to heal before we opened up this wound again.

Fast forward a few months... We had made the decision to go back to the doctor. I prayed about it and knew it was time to do something, but I felt sick about scheduling with my OB/GYN again. I was so afraid they would put me back on Clomid. I canceled my appointment, feeling more discouraged than ever and prayed that the Lord would somehow give me a sign of hope.

Angel #4 Sophie approached me at a family party for Lesley and Isaac, holding the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen. She told me about how she had struggled to conceive and that going to a specialist had made all the difference for them, AND thanks to Femara she got sweet baby Gwen.

That night I went home and cried tears of joy as I thanked Heavenly Father for giving me the Hope I needed to see. I needed to hear someone say what had worked and see them holding their baby while they said it. I immediately called Tyler's mom to get the info on Femera and the RCC.

Angels #5 Dr. Swelstad & Everyone at the RCC. What an AWESOME place! Everyone is so nice, so caring, so sensitive, and so full of hope. It is a blessing to have a doctor that promises to take care of you and goes above and beyond to make sure you are.