Be not afraid. Only Believe.

At just 17 days old Max has had his second major neurosurgery.

The temporary drain they originally placed had to be removed and, just as expected, the fluid in Max's head began to fill up again. So today, the surgeons placed a permanent VP Shunt. The surgery went fine with no problems, but recovery was rough on Max. I guess through the course of surgery and with the shunt, he drained a lot of fluid. It seemed to shock his system quite a bit. The nurses and respiratory therapists had a difficult time getting him balance on the ventilator again. Its a lot of technical stuff that I don't completely understand, but when it comes down to it he was really struggling to breathe.

Tyler and I sat back as they all scurried about Max's bed, trying to "adjust this" and "change that" in hopes to bring down "this pressure" or "that level." (Sorry, I'm not a medical professional, so I can't really be super specific and try to explain it.) I kept asking Ty if he was worried, and he would shake his head calmly. I tried to not panic. I knew we had fervently prayed and felt peaceful about this surgery and Max's recovery. But in that moment, the stress and my fears began to make my mind question what my heart knew. I began to feel afraid.

I had been putting off going to pump, because I didn't want to leave during Max's struggle, but eventually engorgement won and I had to leave. As I walked out and headed for the pump room I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes and the dreaded lump form in my throat. I was desperately trying not to cry. I sank down into my chair, pulled out my phone and opened my Gospel Library app, which holds my scriptures and church articles and talks. A talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf was already open, "Be not afraid. Only believe."

I read through the talk and at the very end was a passage that spoke just the words I needed during this moment when my faith had become overpowered by my fears. It read:

"...even in the toughest of times, the Savior will say to you as He said to an anxious father on a crowded street in Galilee, “Be not afraid, only believe."

We can choose to believe.

For in belief, we discover the dawn of light.

We will discover truth.

We will find peace.

...Have courage to believe.

Be not afraid, only believe."

When planted directly in the most harsh of circumstances, sometimes, we can feel our belief slipping out as fear creeps over us. In those moments we must find the courage to rise above our fears and have the faith to believe and trust in our Eternal and loving Father in Heaven. Fear is the absence of faith. Fear is the dark and faith is the light.

Despite Max's prognosis we remain hopeful and have faith in the Lord. We know and understand that we may not have our son for very long. We understand his condition looks bleak to the doctors. We trust their professional and medical opinions and understand the reality of what is. Max has very little chance of a quality or long life. What little brain matter there is, is not enough. Even his brain stem is missing the most vital and important parts. That's all true. But we still choose to believe in miracles. We choose to have faith, no matter what those miracles are and no matter when we will lose our son from this earthly existence. Why? Because we believe. We believe and we trust that Max is a special spirit, sent to us to teach us and strengthen our testimonies. How could we not remain faithful to a Lord that has so abundantly blessed us? How could we fear when we have seen so much light? We can't when there is so much still to believe in.

Xo.

Dear Max,

While I sit here, trying to decide if I really need to pee or if you are just kicking my bladder again, I thought I'd just write you a little love note. Get used to it, cause I'm your mom and I plan to write you an infinite number of sappy love notes throughout your life. Deal with it, kid.

Sweet Max, this last week has felt like an eternity. I cannot believe it has only been a week since we were told all those things that have had us so worried about you. But you have been such a good boy. I'm so sorry that we've had to shake up your house and poke and prod you so much. I know that must have been the worst. Trust me, it wasn't super fun for mom, either. Just know that we love you so much, and we're just doing this all for you, buddy. I wish I could tell you we won't bug you in there anymore, but that isn't true. You and I have a lot of that ahead of us. Just keep being brave and stubborn. We need you to be strong. And if you would just cooperate a liiiiittle better, those ultrasounds might not have to be so bad. (Just a thought- stop mooning us, and show us the important things. We know you are a boy and we know you have a bum. You're hilarious. We get it!) We just really need the doctors to get a good look at things, so they can help you as much as they can.

We just want you to be okay. You're all we think about and pray about.

Max, how can I even begin to explain to you how loved you are? More than this world is wide. More than the oceans are deep. More than your dad loves Pepsi and pizza. More than your mom loves cinnamon rolls... remember when I ate 3 for lunch the other day? Well, you are loved more than I was sick after that, which is a lot! You are loved by grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and friends. Just wait til you get here, and you get to meet all the people who adore you. They are almost as anxious to see you as we are. If you'll just stay, you'll be the most loved baby boy in the world!

We have faith in you little one. I know your soul and your sweet spirit. I know you can do this. I know you can fight and be strong and get here, into our arms. I just want to hold you and snuggle you, even if it can't be for very long. So, keep kicking and fighting and being so stubborn. We'll do all we can out here. We'll pray and go to doctors and do everything we can for you. Most importantly, we'll just keep loving you with all we have. We can do this! Daddy, Mommy and Max. We three kings. We'll make it through this together, baby.

You were made from great love, and you will be healed by greater love. 

 Love, Mommy
XO

God loves me a Diet Mt. Dew

Sometimes it is the little miracles in life that make me a believer.

Just when I'm thinking, "I'm exhausted, I'm grumpy and I'm just sad that everyone is pregnant and having babies without me" an unopened bottle of Diet Mt. Dew rolls out from under a seat in the car like ultimate proof that God loves me!

God doesn't always make himself known in massive, miraculous displays of affection that change our lives forever. Sometimes he takes the time to give us small, tender mercies that say, "I'm aware of you, I'm aware of how you've been feeling. I hear you, I'm here for you, and I love you." 

Sometimes it is hard to accept God's timing, and it is especially hard when our desire is so righteous. Its not like I've been praying for God to make me a millionaire for the last 3 years. I've been praying for a child. Honestly, there have been times when I have wondered where God was and why he wasn't answering my plea. Why didn't he think I deserved to be a mother? Why wouldn't he answer me? I guess I have a hard time remembering that "No" is also an answer.

We get caught up in this idea that if we are good and God loves us then we'll just get the righteous desires of our hearts. Well, if that were the case this life would be WAY too easy. We aren't here for easy. We aren't here for only, "Yes!" answers. Sometimes God tells us "No" or "Not right now." We just have to have the faith to trust in him and keep going, because we cannot measure his love by the number of times he says "Yes" to us.

God's love is measured in blessings and, despite the things we do not have, there are always things to be grateful for!

God's love for me is measured by a sweet husband who loves me no matter what, makes me laugh when I want to cry, and fills my life with happiness.
God's love for me is measured by a family that supports and lifts us through our trials, who never give up on us and endure with us.
God's love for me is measured by a text that says "I've been thinking about you."
God's love for me is measured by a phone call just when I needed it.
God's love for me is measured by kisses from nephews.
God's love for me is measured by hugs from moms or blessings from dads.
God's love for me is measured by a church talk that is everything I needed to hear.
God's love for me is measured by a treat left on my desk at work.

...and God's love is measured in a 24 oz bottle of Diet Mt. Dew.

Look for the little miracles. Count your blessings. God loves you, even if the answer to your question is "No."

XO.

For the Love of Angels: How we found the RCC

I believe in God.

I believe in Angels. Both in Heaven and on Earth.

That being said, here is the series of events and the Angels that answered our prayers, which lead us to our new Dr. at Reproductive Care Center (RCC- see link in Pages tool bar)

Never in my life did I ever think that my husband and I would be fast approaching the 2 year mark of trying to conceive. How could I have? I never could have known that my progesterone level is almost non-existent and that I rarely, if ever, ovulate.

Needless to say, we were inconsolably discouraged when 9 months into the first year we still weren't pregnant... BUT one more year after that, we are better because Heavenly Father answers prayers, guides us, comforts us, and loves us.

Let me explain how Heavenly Father answers prayers, because some will argue that as we are not yet pregnant the prayer is still unanswered. As I have explained before, in my first blog post , sometimes God answers our prayers in other ways and we don't always get what we want right away.

We aren't pregnant yet, but I'd like to believe we are closer! Thanks to angels here on earth who listen to promptings and act as answers to prayers.

Angel #1 My mother-in-law, the most awesome woman! Oh, how I adore this lady. While visiting a new GYN, she was answering questions like: How many kids do you have? Do you have any grandkids? etc. Without really knowing why, she briefly explained how Tyler and I were struggling to get pregnant and how I had just finished taking clomid, which had been a terrible experience...

...Introducing Angel #2 Her Dr. had pressed for more information on what we had tried and who we were seeing. She expressed that we should really see a specialist and talk to a doctor about Femara. She gave mom literature on the place and the medication.

Angel #3 Aunt Lesley, along with all my aunts and family, was so loving and supportive. Lesley took the time to share with me that her sister-in-law Sophie had struggled to conceive as well and, if I wanted, she knew that Sophie would be happy to talk to me.

At this point Tyler and I were so burnt out after Clomid. We had already decided to take a break and wait til Fall to pursue more testing/medication. So, we took everyone's information, but we held off. We needed time to heal before we opened up this wound again.

Fast forward a few months... We had made the decision to go back to the doctor. I prayed about it and knew it was time to do something, but I felt sick about scheduling with my OB/GYN again. I was so afraid they would put me back on Clomid. I canceled my appointment, feeling more discouraged than ever and prayed that the Lord would somehow give me a sign of hope.

Angel #4 Sophie approached me at a family party for Lesley and Isaac, holding the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen. She told me about how she had struggled to conceive and that going to a specialist had made all the difference for them, AND thanks to Femara she got sweet baby Gwen.

That night I went home and cried tears of joy as I thanked Heavenly Father for giving me the Hope I needed to see. I needed to hear someone say what had worked and see them holding their baby while they said it. I immediately called Tyler's mom to get the info on Femera and the RCC.

Angels #5 Dr. Swelstad & Everyone at the RCC. What an AWESOME place! Everyone is so nice, so caring, so sensitive, and so full of hope. It is a blessing to have a doctor that promises to take care of you and goes above and beyond to make sure you are.