Prone to Wander

Sometimes it feels like part of me died and was buried with Max in December. I feel like just part of a person- part of the person I once was.

Sometimes it feels like there is no possible way I could ever feel whole again. And, honestly, there are plenty of days I just wish this could all end and I could just be with him again. Most days, heaven sounds so much better than this life.

In these times I am prone to wander. I wander to the mountains and sometimes, in my grief, I wander from my God. I sink into the abyss of grief and I get swallowed up in its darkness. I become consumed and sink lower and lower, further and further from the light. 

The other day, I was totally sunk. In tears and panic, I fled the house and drove towards the mountains. I gasped the fresh air as I burst from my car and fell to my knees beside the rushing creek in the shadow of the trees. I sobbed for a long time, and then I started to pray. Slowly, streams of light started peeking through trees and all around me began to glisten. A breeze blew and I took a deep breath, at last. My heart returned to a steady pace as I began to calm.

I pulled myself to my feet and as I looked around me, all I could think of were the words to my favorite hymn, Come Thou Fount. Quietly, almost as a plea, I began to sing...

Come thou fount of every blessing;
tune my heart to sing thy grace.
Streams of mercy never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it,

mount of thy redeeming love.

O, to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.

Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

And there were streams of mercy and blessings and grace and comfort and redeeming love, because even when we stray from Him Heavenly Father never strays from us. I was enveloped in the arms of His love, and comforted by the grace of my Savior. There in the mountains, in the thick of trees, I was invisible to the world, but not to my Lord. He found me there and He gave me hope. 

In promptings since, I feel His promise that it is okay to hope. I feel in my heart something amazing lies ahead of us, and with that will come joy and happiness we cannot yet imagine. With the Savior's atonement and His saving grace, we will be made whole again. We will not be broken forever. Our hearts will be mended and we will be healed, and we will love a little one again. I have everything faith in my God that this is true. 

I am human and prone to wander but, Lord, seal my heart for thy courts above. 

Bind my wandering heart to thee. 

XO

Why I Still Love Mother's Day

I love Mother's Day.

This year I will celebrate my 3rd Mother's Day. And, while I have been a Mother for nearly 2 and a half years, I have yet to hold a baby in my arms for this holiday. My first Mother's Day came 3 months after miscarriage and my 2nd was filled with joy and hope while pregnant with Max. 

But, here I am again, a mother with empty arms. 

So, you may ask, why would I love this holiday? A holiday that for so long reminded me that I was not a mother, when I wanted to be so badly, and now reminds me of the children I never got to bring home. Despite the heartache and longing that has accompanied this holiday for the past 4+ years, I could never hate a day that is dedicated to celebrating the greatest gift the Lord could give me.

Motherhood is, by far, the world's greatest calling. As women, we have such a special gift for nurturing. Our incredible bodies have the ability to create, grow, and carry life. Our hearts have an amazing ability to love beyond what we ever thought we were capable of. It is who we are. Whether our babies were grown within us, or grew in our hearts, no one can ever really love like a mother can.

After all the time I spent wondering if I would ever become a mother, I could never hate a holiday that celebrates the greatest gift I was ever given. Even though my babies are not with me, I am overwhelmed with joy just to be included as a mom. It is all I ever wanted, and since that first positive pregnancy test has molded who I am every day.

I know that some moms don't enjoy Mother's Day, and I cannot even understand that. I guess, for some, it fills them with self doubt and worry about the kind of mother they have been.

So, to the moms out there who do not love Mother's Day, I ask you to count your blessings. You should be so grateful for this holiday. You should thank the Lord and count all your lucky stars that you are a mother, and you should celebrate! Think of all the woman throughout the world who pray every day for what you have. When your children gather around you or call you today, think of all the women whose homes and arms are empty.

Ask yourself this: Do I love my children? Do I care about them above everything else? Do I show them my love? Do I protect them? Do I teach them?

If the answer is Yes, then you are a wonderful mother. It is as simple as that.

I leave you with a dear quote from Jeffrey Holland,

"To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, 'Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are.'" 

Be grateful for motherhood, cherish it. There are so many who are wishing for it.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

To those whose babies have yet to come, and those who have angels: my heart is with you this day and I pray for your comfort.

XO