Let go and Let God

The doubting thoughts of a Mother are probably among the very first instincts she gets.

From the moment the little person enters her world, all she does from the point on focuses around their direct needs. She becomes a mother above all else; their mother.

From the moment Tyler's eyes welled-up and he told me that Max was finally here, my world changed. Nothing but Max mattered. I didn't care about myself or my needs, I didn't care what anyone else was doing or what they wanted. All I cared about was Max. I made people wheel me from my room to the NICU multiple times a day. I stood or sat by his bedside for too long, sometimes until I almost passed out from the pain. I obsessively pumped every 2-3 hours, even through the night. When I wasn't at the hospital, I called the hospital. When I wasn't in the NICU, I called the NICU- yes, sometimes, I even called from the pump room across the hall. I stepped outside the NICU occasionally to take bites of snacks, only sometimes leaving to actually go sit in the cafeteria to eat a meal. I was his mother. I could do nothing else.

So, as the time passed after he died I spent many sleepless nights staring at my ceiling wondering what I had done wrong. Deciding what I could change if I had known better. Thinking about what I would've done differently if I could've know we'd have him for 5 weeks.

I would go down my checklist of "I should haves,"

I should have stopped pumping.

I should have stayed later each night.

I should have gotten there early each morning.

I should have read to him more.

I should have taken more videos.

I should have taken more pictures of his nurses.

I should have let more people come to see him.

I should never have gone home once a week.

I should have gone, even in that blizzard.

I should have talked to other parents more.

I should have talked to him more.

I should have been braver.

I should have been more alert.

And the list would go on...

Eventually all my motherly guilt and doubts started to weigh on me. One afternoon in counseling, my therapist asked me about it. She shook her head as I lamented over all the things I wished I would've done or all the things I felt I should've done. She gave me a piece of paper and told me to write them down. After I had, she told me to cross out my list. Then, beside where I had marked it out, she told me to write, "I did the best I could."

With time, I learned that this is not just a problem a mother has if she loses her baby. Its a problem ALL mothers have. We beat ourselves up with time for not doing things we know now that we didn't know then. We take on all the blame and responsibility when things go wrong, and always defer the honor when things go right. The only solace I found in this was to learn that, even though my baby was gone, I was still just like every other mother. 

So, here's the deal. We all do the best we can. The best we know how. Moms or not. It applies to all of us. And ya know, tough situations, like we were in, makes it SO hard to know what the right thing to do is! We all have to make tough calls in life, and you cannot blame your past self for things you feel now are a mistake. Hindsight is 20/20, but there is nothing we can do about the past. We can learn from it and we can move on. Living in the past and living in guilt and doubt only leads to pain and suffering. We have to let it go. Let go and let God. 

Our Savior is the ONLY being who can understand our pains, our mistakes, our tribulations. He is the one who suffered them for us. He suffered for our sins and our grief. He took care of it! With faith in His holy name, we can let it go. We can give it to Him and be done with it. 

Trust me, I know how hard it is. I know the pain of wishing you could erase parts of your past. Max is just part of my history, and while I certainly don't ever wish to erase him there are plenty of things that I had wished I had done different. I know that it hurts to keep reliving the things we wish we could change. Friends, it is time to let it go. Let go of the past that haunts you. Write it all down, cross it out and say, "I did the best I could!" Shred the paper up. Forgive yourself and move on. I promise the burden can be lifted and you can feel so free.

Let go and let God.

XO.

So, it's okay! right?

Matthew 18: 3-4

3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Children are so much smarter than we are! They are not burdened or hardened by the world, yet. They think so simply. If only we could be that simple again!

I must share with you what were absolutely, by far, the most comforting words I got after our miscarriage. For a while this experience was just too dear to my heart to share. But I think we can all learn from the simple words of my 5 year old cousin.

Ava is a pretty amazing little girl, with parents that are even more amazing! What she taught me just goes to show what wonderful lessons she is being taught at home.

It was just a few weeks after our loss, and my Garrett cousins were gathered in my Grandma's kitchen. Sweet little Ava came over and tugged on my shirt for me to pick her up. She gave me the tightest hug and asked,
"Brittany, your baby died in your tummy?"
"Yes, sweetie. It did."
"I'm sorry." *another big hug*
"Oh, Thanks Ava!"
"But he's with Jesus! So, it's okay! Right?"
Blown away, I responded, "Uhh... Yeah... You are right!"

Wow. Just... Wow!

Those simple words meant more to me than anything anyone had said in the wake of our loss. I mean, really, "It's okay! Right?" Our baby really is with Jesus, and it really is okay!

Why don't we think like that? Why do we make everything so complicated? Why do we focus on so much negative? When, really, It's okay!

In continuing with our journey to be More Content and Less Bitter, I challenge you to consider your life and your trials with a more positive outlook.

I promise you, It's Okay!

XO.

How Firm a Foundation

It can't always be sunshine and roses. Sometimes the clouds roll in and the darkness comes after us. As hard as we try to outrun its shadow, we occasionally get caught in a storm. We fight and argue over trivial things, trying to ignore the pain in our hearts. And when we can't run any faster, we fall under the cloud's downpour. Our emotions pour out, we fall down, hold each other so tight and cry until the world gets blurry as the pain overtakes us.

For some reason, this weekend was hard for us. It was, figuratively, stormy. We really struggled with feelings of hurt and anger. We feel the 2 year mark fast approaching, and we sometimes sit back in disbelief that we still don't have a baby. This weekend our infertility was just so painfully real to us, and we had to just take a moment to sit on the kitchen floor and cry together.

But the sun does rise when the storm passes. We dry our tears, we smile again, and we continue in hope.

Since I was 17 years old, and my wonderful mother posted the words to my bedroom mirror, How Firm A Foundation has been my favorite hymn. I especially love the words of promise in the 3rd and 7th verses:

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

We need not fear or be dismayed. God comforts us and stands by us, and sometimes HE even carries us until we can walk on our own again. He never deserts Tyler and I through our struggle. He holds us tightly and keeps us together, even when we feel like we are falling apart. He puts his arms around us when the storm hits and holds up an umbrella.

Besides the hymn, How Firm a Foundation is also the title of a beautiful talk by Thomas S. Monson. I have been studying it yesterday and today, and have been taught so much by his wise words. I just have to share this. I hope that it might help any of you with whatever struggle or trial you may be enduring right now.

"At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end, no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?” (Jeremiah 8:22). We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone."

He offers some helpful guidelines to gain and maintain the foundation needed to survive spiritually in the world in which we live:

1. First, fortify your foundation through prayer. As we pray, let us really communicate with our Father in Heaven. It is easy to let our prayers become repetitious, expressing words with little or no thought behind them. When we remember that each of us is literally a spirit son or daughter of God, we will not find it difficult to approach Him in prayer. He knows us; He loves us; He wants what is best for us. Let us pray with sincerity and meaning, offering our thanks and asking for those things we feel we need. Let us listen for His answers, that we may recognize them when they come. As we do, we will be strengthened and blessed.

2. The Second guideline: Let us study the scriptures and “meditate therein day and night,” as counseled by the Lord in the book of Joshua (1:8). Spending time each day in scripture study will, without doubt, strengthen our foundations of faith and our testimonies of truth.

3. The third guideline involves service. The service that counts, the service to which all of us have been called: the service of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Along your pathway of life you will observe that you are not the only traveler. There are others who need your help. There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire, and souls to save.

As put these guides to use in my life I know I will be blessed to feel the comfort of my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. My hope revives as I study my scriptures, pray faithfully, and serve others. 

We take each day as it comes; sunny or stormy, the days are what we make them. We can choose to wallow in the shadow or dance in the rain.