At first we didn't try too hard to do much with it, since we expected to turn it in to a nursery at some point. Wanting so badly to not have it be anything but a nursery, it became a hodgepodge room for junk. Then, when we thought it finally would become a nursery we started clearing it out and bringing things in and making plans to arrange it our little Boston's home.
But after we lost Boston, the room became a painful reminder of what we didn't have. The only time we ever went into the room was to throw in more junk we didn't know what to do with. We would talk about cleaning it up and turning it into a guest room or an office, but neither of us ever put forth the effort to really get started.
With Boston's due date fast approaching I knew I couldn't put this off any longer. It was like a weight, crushing me. I knew we couldn't keep holding out hope for this room, wishing for it to be something else. So, we spent 8 hours yesterday, cleaning out the spare room and reorganizing it into an office and craft room.
It was an emotional experience. We wrapped up the crib and put it away in storage. We found a good place to store away the baby clothes. We put away the pregnancy books and the bag of info they gave us at our first maternity appointment.
I knew we needed to do this. We had to do this, but I couldn't help sitting down for just a moment in the middle of the room overwhelmed with emotion and tears. I looked around and pictured what I had planned for this room 6 months ago. Boston was going to have a Where The Wild Things Are nursery. I stared at the walls remembering what I had wanted to put here or paint there, the weight of heartbreak heavy on my chest.
But when all the organizing and moving furniture was finished, we laid on the floor, holding each other tight, breathing in unison. Suddenly, the weight was gone. I could move on now. I didn't have to hold on to that pain anymore. I could love this room that would now be my escape, a place where I could sew and cut and craft in peace, a place where I could quietly rummage through my thoughts and type this blog. I'm finally free.
Free? The thought seems so foreign. We've felt trapped by infertility for so long I almost don't know how to live a life not determined by medicine, doctor's appointments, blood draws and ovulation tests. It has been especially hard these last 3 months since the medicine, that worked so well before, isn't working now. I think being free of it sounds wonderful! So, we're going to be free for awhile and take some time off. We are going to find the joy in being a family of two. We are going to embrace our time together and just live a happy life. Maybe for a few months, maybe longer, but for now this freedom is what feels right for our life.
It has taken us time to get here, but here we are. We're happy. We're happy with a spare room that won't be a nursery for awhile. It's okay. We're okay.
I repeat,
This is still a good life.
XO
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