Patience

I came across this quote on Pinterest (Oh, Pinterest!) and it really got me thinking. 

I don't know about you, but I have never mastered waiting. I mean, let's face it, we are human, and waiting for things we want is just plain crappy. Especially now, when we live in a world where anything we want to know and much of what we want is available to us on a device that fits in our pocket. 

You're not sure how to spell a word? Your phone has spell check.

You're not sure how to get somewhere? You have GPS.

You want to know who the actor is in this movie? No need to wait 'til the credits, you have an IMDB app for that. Now you know who they are, where they were born, and what other shows they have been in. 

You want a pizza? You don't even have to call to have it delivered anymore! You download the app, pick your crust, toppings, and pay for it all on your phone. 20 minutes later that pizza guy is knockin on your door.

You want that TV show season that was just released on DVD? Amazon prime can have it on your doorstep in 2 days, and the shipping is FREE!

You want anything delivered to your house in 2 days? You can most likely get it on Amazon. 

You have a question about, really, ANYTHING? Google it.

The list goes on. But the moral of the story is that the internet age has turned us into VERY impatient people. 

And the moral of our story is that being surrounded by people having babies has made us very impatient for our own. So, we've tried to be patient, thinking that meant we had to learn to wait. Well, guess what! Despite all the waiting these last few years, we have not developed the ability to wait and, therefore, are not patient. Right? WRONG!

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting." 

Everyday is different, of course! But I think for the most part, we are getting there. We are learning to be patient. We are learning that despite what we don't have have, life is good! We can be happy and adventurous, and have FUN while we wait for children. We don't have to mope around wishing for better days. Better days are HERE, if we just enjoy right now! That's what it means to be patient. So, stop sitting around hating the life you have because you are wasting your time waiting on the life you don't have yet. 

Think about that.

XO.

Good friends, a laugh, and the Big Bang.

Once I found the right one, I always liked my birth control. I didn't gain weight or get acne. I could regulate my periods, and was spared much of the pain of bursting cysts that had accompanied my cycles prior.

In case you were wondering, when a cyst bursts on your ovary it feels like someone has jabbed a knife into your side and then continues to twist it around for about 2 or so hours. Once it strikes, there isn't much you can do. You assume the fetal position, grab some Redvines and Yorks, apply heat and (dramatically) wait for death...

Yeah. It's pretty great.

So, when one strikes, along with a few expletives, the words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper come to mind, "Oh! What fresh Hell is this?!"

...And, if you are really lucky, a good friend will embroider that thought on a rice bag for you.

XO. 

Happy Father's Day to Boston's Daddy

My dearest Tyler, my little Boston’s Daddy.

I can’t believe in just a month we would have been welcoming that little miracle. Who knew something so small could be so missed? That sweet little baby stole our hearts with that fluttery heartbeat. I saw it in your eyes that moment we stared at the the ultrasound screen- that was the moment you really became a Daddy. Suddenly this little life needed you, and you knew it. I saw you change right then and there. Suddenly, you were a whole new man, and I fell hopelessly in love all over again. I can’t wait to thank Boston for that someday, for giving me that. For the 3 months of my pregnancy, and all the months since, you have been an incredible Dad. You rubbed my little belly when I felt sick. You talked to my little bump, even when I told you the baby couldn’t hear yet. You told me I was beautiful when I felt like crap. You ran to the store or on crazy errands for weird cravings. You stood by my side, and you wiped my tears away when we found out we were losing the baby. You held me close and cried just as much as I did. That’s how I knew you loved that little miracle just as much as I did. And now, I have been blessed to watch you as fatherhood has changed you. It has made you a better husband and an amazing uncle. The love you have for our nephews, and babies in general, is absolutely fun to watch; I cannot get enough of it. 
Someday we will have a baby here with us, and you will be incredible! Our son will want to be just like you. Our daughter will fall in love with you. But, for now, you are an amazing father to that sweet angel who stole our hearts with that fluttering heartbeat. And, for now, that’s all we need. I could never have survived this journey if it weren't for your love. You give me strength when I can’t stand on my own. You love me through our hardest times. You are more than I ever could have imagined for myself and my children. I love you forever and always, to infinity and beyond, Tyler King.

Things will work out.

I came across this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley today on Pinterest,
and it spoke to my soul!

When wandering the path of infertility it can be extremely hard to keep trying and believing. It can feel impossible to be happy. It can be a task to try and not get discouraged. And, sometimes, you want to punch people who say, "Oh things will just work out!" But don't wind up and throw your fist just yet.

I'm here to say, the truth of it is, THINGS WILL WORK OUT. Things will work out somehow. They may not work out in the way you wanted, or the way you thought, but things will work out just as they should.

Keep Trying & Be Believing

Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the lightbulb.

Michael Jordon was cut from his high school basketball team.

Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.

Walt Disney was fired because he "lacked imagination and had no good ideas."

Beethoven wrote 5 of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf. 

27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss.

Be Happy
Don't let what's not happening in your life keep you from happily enjoying all that is happening! If you spend all of your time focusing on what you are missing you will miss out on what you have.
Even though we would love to have children of our own, we can use the time that we don't to be the most fun aunt and uncle ever! Our nephews are absolutely our 2 greatest joys! Not to mention, we are extremely blessed with younger cousins and adopted nieces and nephews from our dearest friends. We are surrounded by children we can spoil, cuddle, and care for.
As much as we look forward to the insanity of juggling parenthood with marriage, we recognize how important it is to enjoy this time that it is just the two of us. We try to cherish every moment! We don't want to look back on this time and have regrets about how we drifted apart amidst this trial.

Don't Get Discouraged
This one is hard, I know! I have yet to master it, but I'm working on it. There are so many things that seem to not be working. Don't focus on that stuff. Learn to celebrate any small accomplishments or tiny steps of progress. Even little glimmers of hope are HOPE! Cling to hope and don't give up.

Things Will Work Out

If you can just keep a positive attitude as you stumble along your journey, I promise you will see things work out. It probably won't be what you wanted or expected, but it will be everything you needed. 

Attitude Adjustment

Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, while I, apparently, carry mine in my hair. Anytime I am faced with emotional distress, or great life changes, I bust out the scissors or the hair dye.

High School graduation: cut 8 inches and black low-lights
19th Birthday: box dye black hair
1st year living on my own: blonde highlights
Boyfriend left on mission: platinum blonde
Break-up: return to redhead
Break-up, again (don't ask! lol): chop to chin
Happily married: grew hair out- longest it's ever been!
Miscarriage: emotional box dye job that, thankfully, didn't really go cherry black!

So, as I faced starting Femara again, I found myself falling into a black hole that I couldn't seem to get out of. I had worked so hard to find happiness after our loss, and I really was content for so long. But starting the process to get pregnant again just knocked me right out of that happy zone. I was feeling so depressed and my attitude completely sucked! I was grumpy and whined about my stupid ovaries incessantly. And, if I am honest, with my due date fast-approaching I am reminded that our baby isn't coming, and I don't think that will ever stop hurting.

When I woke up Sunday morning I did not want to go to church. I felt so tired from the Femara and I just wanted to pull the covers back up over my head, cry my eyes out and go back to sleep, buuuut I had done that the Sunday before. I forced myself out of bed and we walked into the foyer, late, just as the speaker was beginning her talk. We sat down, and immediately I knew that was where I needed to be. If sweet Camille had written that talk for anyone, it was for me. She spoke about trials and enduring in Faith; all things I knew. She even referenced a talk by Thomas S. Monson that I have read and used multiple times, but it was all hitting me like brand new information! My hardened shell began to crack... Oh, the Lord knows us so well. He knows just what we need to hear and he knows when we need a good butt kicking.

Well, more than ever, I was absolutely sick and tired of feeling crappy and sucking the happiness out of our house. I spent the rest of the day fighting my rotten attitude and trying to figure out how to get myself out of this funk. By Tuesday, I knew I needed a major attitude adjustment, so what else seemed more appropriate than a haircut?! Thank the Lord for good friends with home salons! My dear Courtney saved me in my desperation for change.

I lost 10 inches of hair and found my HOPE!

Cheers to being happy again!
XO

Nausea and Hot Flashes and Narcolepsy, OH my!

Nausea and hot flashes and narcolepsy, Oh My!

Yep. Welcome back, Femara.
Heeeeeerrrre we go, again!

Even though its happening, I still can't believe it. I can't believe we have to do this, again. I didn't think that this would be the hardest of all things to accept, but it is. And now, more than before, I just can't seem to accept that my stupid ovaries really don't work. (Man, I hate those buggers.)

I guess, I read one too many blogs or post-D&C forum posts about women who tried for X years to get pregnant, lost the pregnancy at X weeks, and miraculously got pregnant X months later on their own. Suddenly, I was creating imaginary, fairy tale, surprise pregnancy stories in my head. I knew it was silly, and would probably end in my great disappointment, but what can I say? I'm a dreamer. There are upsides and downsides to being so positive. The biggest downside is the disappointment.

Nevertheless, here we are.
Dreaming big, again.
Hoping, again.
Taking pills, again.
Peeing on sticks, again.
Getting poked with needles, again.
Going through it all, again...
Because we hope it will work, again!
Scared, because what if it's lost, again?

I'm filled with hope, because my only other option is to be filled with fear- fear of it working and being lost again, fear that it won't work at all. But I know I can't give in to those fears. I live in hope, because I tried living in fear and it nearly killed my soul. Living in hope is the only way to survive all of this. With hope, the savior walks beside me, lifts me up when I start to drag my feet and carries me when I cannot walk on my own. So, to keep him along my side, I continue with hope. Hope that, eventually, someday, somehow we will have a little one here with us. Hope that someday I'll see my husband holding a baby that is our own. Hope that I'll hear a little voice call, "Mommy!" and I'll be the one who answers. 

Femara is our hope, our chance.
And, really, being tired, nauseous and hot is no big sacrifice.

I'm  armed with caffeine, a fan and FAITH.
XO.