In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week...

I remember being in 4th or 5th grade when I started feeling self-conscious, comparing myself to other girls. I became acutely aware of my imperfections, and FAT became the word that I would consistently use to describe myself.

10 years old. Calling myself "fat" and hating my body at 10 years old. I shudder.

I struggled with my self image all through my teens. But I was 16 years old when I first experimented with what would become my drug of choice on and off for 4 years. No, I didn't smoke, shoot or snort anything.
My drug was my Anorexia. 

From 16 to 17 the experimentations were small, skipping breakfast and lunch but making sure to eat when anyone was watching. I did know deep down how wrong it was, but it felt so good I didn't want anyone to force me to stop.

What most people don't understand about eating disorders is that it is not all about weight. Yes, it starts that way, but that's not why the addiction grows. I became addicted to the high that I got from resisting to eat. I felt powerful. 

The teenage years are a time when most kids feel completely powerless. I know I did. There were family problems, death of loved ones, the stress of college applications, the stress of keeping up my grades, trying to make my parents proud, my first boyfriend, my first breakup, friendships that dissolved, jobs, and so on. While there was so much out of my control, food became what I could control.

By the end of my senior year and the summer before college I could go as many as 4 days on nothing but an apple, then eat a meal, and then go another 4 days. I did my best to avoid situations involving food, because if I did then I would have to eat in front of people. When I did have to eat, there would be days of remorse and self hatred to follow. Food became a reward/punishment system, rather than a nutrition system.

I got less than an A on a test or paper - I didn't get to eat.
I got an A - I got a food allowance.
I got in a fight with my mom - I didn't get to eat.
I endured my first breakup - I went days without food.
and so on...

Just like drugs, an eating disorder affects you physically, emotionally, and it affects those around you. When an eating disorder takes over your life, it makes you a liar. You lie about when you ate and what you ate. It promises you all of your hopes and dreams, but it leaves you miserable and with nothing. By the end of the summer, weeks before I was to leave for college, the weight of my pain and the lies became too great. I broke down and told my parents.

They were heartbroken, and so was I. There was talk of not sending me to college, but I was dead-set on going. I promised to change. We made an honesty pact about meals- I had to check in about food and be honest, even if I hadn't eaten I had to say that. Feeling "cured" I left for college.

The interesting thing that I learned, as all who have suffered an eating disorder can testify of, is that you are never cured. Just like an alcoholic is never not an alcoholic, I will always be recovering from my eating disorder.

Well, I started school with much gusto, healthy eating and started going to the gym with my aunt. Just a month into school, in the swing of classes and a budding relationship, my old habits creeped back up. The guilt, the hatred, the depression found place in my head again. This time my lack of nutrition was coupled with a workout schedule - NOT good.

I let this endure for months. Excusing my workout exhaustion with late nights, and not the fact that I hadn't eaten more than a few hundred calories in a few days. The night I forced myself to throw up dinner scared me enough to make an appointment with the Psychologist at my university, and confess to my parents that I had relapsed.

From here on out relapsed about every 3- 6 months, until the summer of 2009. That was my last BIG relapse. After a major life upset and deep soul-searching,
I discovered who I actually was for the first time in my life. 

Would you like to know what I discovered? 
I figured out that I am, actually, a pretty great person!
I discovered that my body is a gift from God and that I should treat it with love and respect. He had created me with love, and I was repaying him by destroying it.
I discovered that I was smart, that I knew better about how to take care of my health.
I discovered that I could help others by being open about my struggles.
I discovered that I didn't need a guy to make me happy or tell me who I should be.
I could live for myself and be who I wanted to be, not what a guy wanted me to be.
I found the love of my Savior. I discovered Him in a way that was undeniable and that filled me with Hope.
I discovered that I could be BRAVE!

For the first time since I was 16, I knew that I wanted to be better. This time I was committed to being honest and getting better. And for the first time since I was 16, I was truly HAPPY!!!

Have I been perfect since that discovery? No. Because, as I have said, I have accepted that this is an addiction that will always haunt me. However, as the years go by my relapses are fewer and farther between, and mostly just a relapse of desire. There are even years where I go on like I have never struggled at all. Loss of control is what will get me every time, but I know that. And I acknowledge it. I am blessed with a loving husband and parents who support me and love me. I am open and honest when I struggle, and I always power through!

Life is beautiful! You are beautiful! Don't doubt that. God loves you and he made you exactly as you are, because that is who you should be!

Love yourself, Love your God and life will be so much better!

I leave you with a poem that is dear to me about my struggle and discovery.

XO
Brittany

THIS IS NATIONAL EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK http://nedawareness.org/about

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER, PLEASE GET HELP! AN ED CAN LEAD TO SEVERE HEALTH PROBLEMS AND CAN BE DEADLY. YOU CAN BE BRAVE! VISIT http://nedawareness.org/ TO GET HELP.

"What are you waiting for?"

"Do you guys have any kids?"
"No. Not yet..."
"What are you waiting for?!"

What are we waiting for? Oh, just waiting for the doctor recommended time to pass after the D&C I had a month ago. Then, we'll be waiting until we feel ready to move forward and try again after the loss of our little miracle.

This sweet sales associate at Verizon, who is obviously a proud and happy mother, was just trying to make polite conversation. She had no idea that she was asking the most insensitive question you can ask a couple who have tried for years to get pregnant and just suffered a miscarriage only a short month ago.

Tyler and I looked at each other having one of those telepathic conversations couples have. We were having a good day, so we decided to be nice and polite in response. (Not like the day the client at work told me that children were the Lord's greatest blessing and delaying to have children was a sin... Oh yeah, that happened! And I let her have it pretty bad. I wasn't even sorry when she apologized, almost crying.)

"We are just waiting for our bodies to work." *smile*
*embarrassed* "Oh, I'm sorry..."
"Thanks. It's okay."

The conversation could totally have ended there, but of course, it didn't...

"Well, let me tell you a story! My brother's sister-in-law and her husband tried to start a family for 10 years and had no success. So, they adopted. Then, she found out she was pregnant. She ended up having 4 more children naturally after the adopted one! You never know what will happen!!"
Thanks for sharing. *eye roll*

Here's the deal, people:
Do not ask couples questions regarding their plans to start a family. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! They may be struggling with infertility, they may have just suffered a miscarriage, they may have lost a child, or they may just not feel ready to have kids right now or ever. It is their business, not yours. Starting a family involves the most intimate part of a relationship.

You may think you are asking, "So, are guys going to have kids soon?"
But you are really asking, "So, are you having unprotected sex?" 
What kind of answer do you want? "Yeah, we ditched the birth control and we're just going at it like rabbits. Cross your fingers for us!"
(AWKWARD)

You may think you are just asking, "So, why don't you guys have kids yet?"
But you are just causing us pain, cause guess what! We ask ourselves that every day! If we were as fertile as some of our friends and family we could have 2 kids by now. You have just reminded us of how infertile we are, and how painful it is that everyone else is noticing.

The common misconception after we respond (making you feel like a creep for even bringing it up) is that you must then make it better by telling us about your brother's sister-in-law's cousin's friend's aunt and uncle who tried for 20 years and then had 10 kids. That's cool, but you do not have to tell us a bedtime story. We are adults. A simple apology is fine and we can just move on from the awkwardness that just happened because you asked a stupid question.

But the point of this blog is to help you avoid an apology by avoiding the stupid question. JUST DON'T ASK! Strangers have no business asking about another stranger's personal life. So, don't do it, Please.

Much thanks, from all infertiles everywhere.

XO

BUT I STILL HAVE HOPE

I've been dreading this day all week.
I think if you added up the hours I've slept each night it might equal, or at least be close to, a whole night's rest. I am running on fumes.
I've sped to work every morning, running late, tears falling all over my steering wheel.

Today was to be my 16 Week Ultrasound.

At 2:15 today Tyler and I would've waited in the office and placed our final bets. Then, we'd hold our breath and wait for the reveal... "It's a BOY!" Would probably have produced a huge sigh of relief from Tyler King. "It's a GIRL!" Would have made us both laugh and cry as Tyler went into a What do I do with a girl?? tailspin, and made me hope Please don't be like me! But either way, we would have claimed it was exactly what we wanted and been so incredibly grateful. We would have both laid in bed tonight imagining the most perfect porcelain-skinned, red-headed babe.
For the record we both think Boston was our baby boy. Just a thought.

But that isn't what happened today...

I woke up late.
Cried the whole drive to work.

And at 2:15, instead of holding Tyler King's hand and waiting to find out if little Boston was a boy or a girl, I walked into the doctor's office alone. I waited for them to call my name while woman after woman checked in at the front desk for their first prenatal visit, and the lady across from me rocked her darling newborn.

When they finally called my name, I walked passed the New Arrivals bulletin board covered with birth announcements. Then the nurse took me back to draw my blood for the 3rd time to see if my HCG levels have finally returned to not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant anymore. 

My clothes fit again.
I've lost 6 lbs.
The maternity pants I had just started wearing are too baggy.
The coat with the buttons that puckered over my little bump fits fine again.
My belly is soft and flattening.

What took 3 months to grow has vanished in 3 weeks.

When I close my eyes I can still see the ultrasound.
I still feel confused by the emptiness.
I still feel the way my ears started ringing, aching to hear that heartbeat again.
Behind the ringing I can still slightly hear the doctors apologizing.
I can still hear the sobs that ripped from Tyler's chest that first night.
Then, I remember waking up in post-op realizing how empty I was now that I was no longer someone's home.
I remember, for a second, wondering if they had taken my heart out during the surgery, because my chest felt just as empty.
I remember turning my head and pulling the sheet over my eyes as they wheeled me past the nursery in the postpartum unit, but being too tired to bother to cry anymore.

Days like today I end up talking to Heavenly Father A LOT. I'm a pretty vocal pray-er. I like talking out loud, waiting for His reply. I talk to him just like I would my own dad. I thank Him, sometimes I whine to Him, I ask for His help, and days like today I just beg Him. I beg Him to help me feel the peace I desperately need, I beg for His warming comfort, and I beg Him to show me all His love.
And Guess what! He never disappoints. He went with me to my appointment today. He held me tight while I felt like I would fall apart. And every corner I turn, every day, He shows me His divine Love.

It doesn't mean that life is never hard or that I'm never sad. I'm pretty shattered today, but the Lord always puts me back together. I can count on that. Just when I feel like the darkness is going to consume me, the light of Christ opens my eyes and reminds me that because of Him, even though today was hard, I still have HOPE. My Faith is bigger than my Fear.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much.