I love September

*Deep sigh* The best month of the year has arrived. I love September. It represents the best beginning of my life.

The leaves are going to start changing colors. The air will get crisp, and we'll get gas station hot chocolate. That fall smell will fill the air. Cardigans, flannel shirts and slouchy beanies will make their way out of my closet. We'll celebrate Tyler's birthday, when we met and our wedding anniversary. We might even get our first snowfall. 

7 years and 2 weeks ago, I moved into my room at 3456 Iowa Avenue. It was the start of my 2nd year at WSU. There were 2 other empty rooms upstairs with me, and a few weeks later (cue September!) Lindsay Lula moved in. We instantly became attached at the hip and, one day, her friend Tyler King came to visit.

There was something about hanging out with Tyler that made me forget the seriousness of life and adulthood. He was 20 years old, didn't go to school and worked all night so he could play all day. He played the guitar, rock climbed, and loved to longboard. He drove an old Ford truck that he was always having to fix. It had a bench seat, and there was something great about the way he would pull me over to the middle and wrap his arm so tight around me. That semester of school was the most exhausting and most fun of all my college years.

We became best friends so fast, it was dizzying. He had just received his mission call, and in December he would leave for 2 years. I was waiting for a missionary that I was sure I would marry. So, we decided there was no harm in hanging out since neither of us expected much of the other.

At that time, Tyler was the kind of guy you dated just for fun. He wasn't serious about anything! I mean, we had our first kiss in our friend's living room while he played Grand Theft Auto. He paused the game, we kissed, and then he resumed stealing cars and running over pedestrians. We hung out every day, and talked on the phone all night. I don't ever remember sleeping. And I don't remember missing sleep either. He made everything exciting and made you feel like the world was a playground. He had no plans for the future, except maybe to be a professional rock climber or longboarder, which is totally hot to a 19 year old girl. He didn't see a future with me either, which meant he wouldn't "waste money on someone else's wife." Tyler only asked me along to places where he could get in for free and get free food and, to his credit, he was highly connected and you would be amazed how many free activities and meals he could get. Tyler was so much fun and he was my best friend.

However, Tyler did have these moments when he became the guy that was hard to resist...

The first snowfall of the season may not hit the valley, but usually sprinkles the mountains like powdered sugar. It was only my second year in Utah, so snow was still new and completely magical to me (It still is.) This particular day was no exception. I was just dying to see the snow in the mountains up close. I was a poor college girl without a car. So, that day Tyler picked me up from work and drove me up to Powder Mountain to play in the snow. I think I probably fell a little in love with him that day.

To put it simply, I was pretty clueless that September. I had no idea who I was. I acted like I did, like I had it all together. Truth be told, I was just a girl fighting to to keep my head above water. I was still sinking in the depths of my eating disorder, with an awfully tainted self-image. But Tyler King kind of saved me. He taught me so much. He made me realize what I was worth and what I deserved. Tyler was the kind of happiness you only get from a warm fire on a fall night, from the orange and red leaves, from gas station hot chocolate. He was like the first snowfall in September. 

He started this beautiful beginning we didn't even know was happening. That September would be the beginning of a life we didn't even know we would have. 

So, you see, how can I not love September?

XO.

Happy Birth Day, Boston!

Who knows? By now, you might have already arrived, you may have come today, or we might still be waiting to see your cute face. But today is the day the doctors, the apps, and the calculators said I was due to have you. We would have found out if you had the red hair we'd been hoping for, if you looked more like me or your daddy. But, guaranteed, we would have cried with joy over how perfect you were.

Oh, we miss you. We still love you with every beat of our hearts. Nothing could ever change that. You are our greatest miracle, Boston.

I have thought of you everyday since finding out you existed, but you have been heavy on my mind throughout what would have been my last trimester. I don't think I have ever wished to be so fat or hot! I would've loved to have spent the last month waddling around, roasting in the summer heat, waiting for you to arrive. Some days, I still can't believe you're really not coming.

I'll be honest. Mommy has had good days, okay days, and really bad days. The really bad days haven't been my proudest moments, but I can't help how much I loved you or how much it hurt to lose you. I now understand what it feels like to really have a broken heart. I thought I had experienced it before, but I was wrong. It is a real and physical, excruciating pain. When the doctor took my hand and told me you'd stopped growing, that you were no longer living in the little home I'd given you, the words were like hands around my throat. They sucked all the air from me, and when I could no longer breathe, then came the pain in my chest. I felt a fault line form down that center as my heart cracked apart and shattered. Trust me, the 2 weeks that followed were filled with some of the most horrible pain I've ever endured, but nothing can compare to that pain of a breaking heart.  I thought it would stay that way forever. I couldn't imagine how we could ever recover from such emotional pain. There, in the ultrasound room, it felt like all was lost. I didn't know how we ever would move on without you.

But ya know what fixes a broken heart, little one?

Love. 

And, man oh man, are we a greatly loved family! Your Grandma and Grandpa King were constantly by our side. They took care of everything and left us with nothing to worry about. Grandma Garrett came all the way from Arizona to take care of me when Daddy went back to work. And then came the meals, gifts, condolences. I know we are biased, but we really do have the best family and friends in the world! We are so incredibly blessed. They had all loved you the moment they knew about you, too. And it hurt them almost as much to lose you. 

Last, but never least, the pure and all-encompassing Love of the Savior saved our souls. He healed us. Our hearts were mended by his merciful Atonement, and we survived. Because of His love and His plan, you are not lost to us.

Boston, it is hard without you, but it is still a good life. Your short existence brought us more joy than losing you could destroy.

 

So, today, we cannot just sit at home crying our eyes out, wasting your special day feeling sorry for ourselves. Today, we have to celebrate you! We will celebrate our love that created you, and the love you created in those 12 short weeks. Our love for you and each other grows with each and every day. You have no idea what you have done for us. What a special little one you must be to have changed us so much in such a short time.
You are our angel. 

We adore you, sweet Boston.

Happy Birth Day!
Love, Mommy & Daddy

XO

Freed Space, Free Life.

Honestly, TylerKing and I are not the most organized people you'll ever meet, so our spare room has pretty much been under construction since we moved in 2 years ago.

At first we didn't try too hard to do much with it, since we expected to turn it in to a nursery at some point. Wanting so badly to not have it be anything but a nursery, it became a hodgepodge room for junk. Then, when we thought it finally would become a nursery we started clearing it out and bringing things in and making plans to arrange it our little Boston's home.

But after we lost Boston, the room became a painful reminder of what we didn't have. The only time we ever went into the room was to throw in more junk we didn't know what to do with. We would talk about cleaning it up and turning it into a guest room or an office, but neither of us ever put forth the effort to really get started.

With Boston's due date fast approaching I knew I couldn't put this off any longer. It was like a weight, crushing me. I knew we couldn't keep holding out hope for this room, wishing for it to be something else. So, we spent 8 hours yesterday, cleaning out the spare room and reorganizing it into an office and craft room.

It was an emotional experience. We wrapped up the crib and put it away in storage. We found a good place to store away the baby clothes. We put away the pregnancy books and the bag of info they gave us at our first maternity appointment.

I knew we needed to do this. We had to do this, but I couldn't help sitting down for just a moment in the middle of the room overwhelmed with emotion and tears. I looked around and pictured what I had planned for this room 6 months ago. Boston was going to have a Where The Wild Things Are nursery. I stared at the walls remembering what I had wanted to put here or paint there, the weight of heartbreak heavy on my chest.

But when all the organizing and moving furniture was finished, we laid on the floor, holding each other tight, breathing in unison. Suddenly, the weight was gone. I could move on now. I didn't have to hold on to that pain anymore. I could love this room that would now be my escape, a place where I could sew and cut and craft in peace, a place where I could quietly rummage through my thoughts and type this blog. I'm finally free.

Free? The thought seems so foreign. We've felt trapped by infertility for so long I almost don't know how to live a life not determined by medicine, doctor's appointments, blood draws and ovulation tests. It has been especially hard these last 3 months since the medicine, that worked so well before, isn't working now. I think being free of it sounds wonderful! So, we're going to be free for awhile and take some time off. We are going to find the joy in being a family of two. We are going to embrace our time together and just live a happy life. Maybe for a few months, maybe longer, but for now this freedom is what feels right for our life.

It has taken us time to get here, but here we are. We're happy. We're happy with a spare room that won't be a nursery for awhile. It's okay. We're okay.

I repeat,
This is still a good life.

XO

Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Its hard to believe that July has arrived and is almost over! I thought winter would never end, and then, suddenly, summer is almost over. What's harder to believe is that summer will come and go, and Boston won't be here. Some days it really still surprises me. And I'm amazed by that. I just keep thinking I'll get used to it. But every now and then, I wake up in disbelief that it's not January 10th and this hasn't just been the most horrible nightmare.

Next Tuesday will be my due date, but I won't be going to the hospital or bringing home a new baby. Instead, I'll be spending the day in Park City with Tyler. It will be an amazing day together, I'm sure, and its not a bad way to spend the day, but it's not what I had in mind for July 29th 6 months ago.

I have been running on a serious happy high for the past few weeks. We've just been loving life and feeling great. I got really settled into that and thought the rest of the month would just be a total breeze and not phase me, that I could just keep feeling fantastic. But, unfortunately, I'm actually a human being with a heart. And that heart is still pretty tender. 

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure I will feel brighter soon, but for now I'm just going to carry my heavy heart, have a good solid cry and miss the baby I never got hold. What else can I do? Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Xo.

This is still a GOOD LIFE

When you have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years, eventually, you have to start looking for the silver lining. And trust me, its there. So, if may be honest, there actually are some perks to the childless years. There could be more if we weren't going broke trying to get pregnant, but we'll take what we can get! Not a dime we've spent on infertility could ever be called wasted, and we've decided not to let any of this time we've been given be wasted either.

Unfortunately, I did waste a lot of time in the beginning of our journey wishing for a different life and missing what was right in front of me. Well, not anymore!

Last Friday night I got home and started rummaging through the fridge, wondering what I should cook for dinner. Tyler called with a proposition, "Let's go camping!" The boring adult in me immediately responded, "It's already 7 o'clock, we're not packed, we don't have anything ready to go camping." Obviously disappointed, Tyler agreed and said he'd be home soon. After we hung up I started thinking...

Why couldn't we pick up and go camping? What responsibilities did we have?Besides laundry, dishes, house chores and all that stupid nonsense. What was keeping us home? We had no plans, camping is practically free (unless you go all out on camping treats, which we did!) and it was supposed to be a beautiful night with a full moon.

By the time Tyler got home, to his great excitement, I had the bedding piled in the living room and an overnight bag packed and ready to go. We threw everything in the jeep, stopped at Maverick for firewood, hit the grocery store for snacks, and headed up to Avon. We crossed our fingers that our favorite spot would be open, and it was! We set up camp as the sun set and started cooking dinner.

We settled in by the fire, roasting marshmallows under the moon's bright light. We talked and laughed until the middle of the night. This, right here, was perfect.

 

We couldn't just pack up and run away if we had a baby, and we certainly couldn't be doing this if I was 9 months pregnant. Does it change that I'd rather be 9 months pregnant? or at home snuggling a baby? No, of course not. But I'm not pregnant and we don't have a baby. So, should we feel guilty about enjoying things that are out of our control? NO! Do we have every right to still enjoy this life and have adventures? YES!

When it comes to infertility, there can be so much that is unfair and heartbreaking. You have to do your best to find the difficult blessings  you deservedly earn for enduring to the end! I thought July would be the hardest month of my life, but Tyler and I are happier than we've been in years! We have finally figured out that we are allowed as much joy as anyone else, with or without children. We're not wasting away the days wishing for a better life, because despite how hard it can be, this is still a GOOD LIFE! It is a great life! 

Live the good life.
XO

Difficult Blessings

The greatest bit of wisdom I have received lately was from a talk by an amazing young woman in church a couple of Sundays ago. Ashlee is getting ready to serve a mission in Florida and I just know she will be amazing! But in her talk she said something that really stuck with me about trials.

"Trials are just difficult blessings." I wanted to shout, "AMEN!" from my seat.

We all experience hardship in this life. God didn't send us down here to breeze through and learn nothing. What would be the point of that? If we couldn't make choices, we'd never learn from consequences. If we never experienced defeat, we'd never know victory. If we never endured pain, we'd never feel joy. If we never had trials, how would we notice our blessings?

And, really, we are SO blessed! I not only have one pair of shoes (which is more than some people have), I have enough pairs to go a month before I'd wear the same pair twice. I have a home and a big comfy bed. Any meals that I have missed in my life have been of my own choosing. The list goes on and on!

Even as we have struggled through infertility and loss, we have been able to see SO many blessings. Right now, we don't have children, but we have been incredibly blessed with 2 perfect nephews, cousins, and friends' kids. We have grown so much closer as a couple and recognize this time we have to spend together, before children, as a blessing. Our testimonies are bigger than ever, and our love for the Savior is indescribable.

Some blessings just come easily. Some blessings we are born with, or we are given without much effort. But some blessings we work and toil for. The blessings that come after the journey we weren't sure we could survive; those difficult blessings are the ones that often mean the most to us.

Count your many blessings, and be grateful for the most difficult ones.
XO