HAPPY New Year

What began as the happiest year of our lives became the month from hell, followed by roller coaster months of depression, and now ends as the year we learned and loved more than any other.

A year ago I welcomed the New Year with one eye open, snuggled up in bed with Ty. I had fallen asleep during our Friends marathon hours before midnight, but Tyler had quietly kissed me awake and rubbed my little bump, "Happy New Year. Welcome to the best year of our lives." It was the perfect way to begin the most perfect year. At long last, we would finally have what we'd always wanted.

I never could have imagined that 2 weeks later we would find out that our little baby's heart had stopped beating, that the thing we loved most in the world was suddenly gone.

To say this year was hard would be an understatement. My process of miscarrying was awful, to say the least. My body just couldn't let go of that little miracle... maybe I just needed more time. After 7 tiring days of bleeding, contracting, and indescribable pain I finally landed in the ER, hemorrhaging. Exhausted, heartbroken and scared, I was taken in for my first surgery in my life.

The 6 weeks of physical recovery were followed by months of emotional recovery for both Tyler and I. We each had to deal in our own way. Eventually, Tyler had to admit that he was angry with God, and face Him at last to repair their relationship. Eventually, I had to admit that my depression was crippling me and seek the help of medication.

And then, as the dreaded Holidays neared, we looked at each other one night and, surprisingly, realized we were Happy. 

At long last, we are really Happy. We still don't have what we'd been hoping for. We have no evidence to give us hope that this next year will bring us anything different than the last 3. We do not have the baby we'd expected to have. We are still missing a piece from each of our hearts. But the fractures are healing and it doesn't hurt as much just to breathe. When we smile it it real, and when we laugh it is the beautiful sound I've missed so much. We are finally Happy. Happy together and happy with this life. Despite it all, this life of ours is ours. It is still good. And we are still madly in love. The trials that could have broken us strengthened us. We survived a year we didn't think we could. And we are Happy.

This is still a good life.

XO.

Holidays with Empty Arms

To all the Moms and Dads with empty arms this holiday,

First of all, I love you. Whether I know you or not, we are kindred spirits. I love you for your strength, and even for your weakness.

I have always loved the holiday season, and I still do...
but this year is definitely hard to enjoy.

This time last year we were sending Christmas cards to our closest friends and families announcing the coming of baby Boston. We received phone calls that were all shouts and sobs. We got tearful bear hugs and I got belly rubs. When I told my aunts, there was so much jumping and shouting house shaking that a ceramic plate fell off my Grandma's hutch and shattered Sorry Grandma! And a few days before Christmas I awoke to a swollen bump under my pajamas.

I never could have guessed I'd reach this Christmas with empty arms.

...But here we are, just the two of us, setting up our Christmas tree and hanging the ornament we made from our first ultrasound.

Isn't it just hard?! Still hard to believe your baby really isn't here? Harder to believe that you made it? I mean, really, surviving is pretty freaking hard.

Some days I still can't decide which is worse. Infertility or Miscarriage? They're both terrible, and together they're what nightmares are made of. But as much as losing Boston broke me, I still would choose carrying him for 13 weeks over never having him at all.

I don't know how to explain the wholeness you feel the moment you see that flicker and hear the rapid thud of your tiny little baby's heartbeat. I mean, infertility is it's own awful pain. It's like you feel like you're missing out on something, and you just... want it. But miscarriage is the gut-wrenching, soul-aching pain of having part of yourself ripped away. You were suddenly so whole, and then just as suddenly you are only part of who you were. Where once you were making life, you are now empty. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.

And all the while, the world doesn't stop. Life moves on with or without you. Everyone that was pregnant with you, had babies without you. Every "first" you looked forward to is had by others, and all you can do is watch and move along. But you have to keep moving and participating. Trust me, we tried sitting it out a few rounds but it didn't make it better. It only made us bitter.
And bitterness never was happiness.

So, we move forward. We keep them in our hearts where their memory can hold the broken pieces together. We keep them in our hearts that are slowly beginning to heal.

Know you aren't alone. Like I said, even if I don't know you, I love you. I understand you. I broke like you. I ache with you. I'll heal with you. And, more important than my love is God's love for you. Christ understands our pain and our aching. He bore our griefs. His love heals.

I offer a simple prayer for all of us, May God grant us peace, comfort, and the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. May He someday, somehow fill our empty arms.

Love & Merry Christmas to you all

Xo

Crying in Target is a Solution

I stopped at Target after a long day at work to pick up a few things. As I wandered past the baby section, I stopped to look for Christmas presents for the nephews. I sifted through the Christmas jammies and thought about celebrating Boden's first Christmas this year. I thought about how it would have been our baby's first Christmas, as well. I thought about how this time last year I was pregnant. I thought about how different this year is ending than it began.

I clung to the 3-6 month footie pajamas that I could have been buying for my baby's first Christmas and began to cry. Yep, I cried right there in Target. It wasn't a weeping-and-wailing kind of cry, but it wasn't a single, solitary tear either. It was somewhere between just-enough-to-be-embarrassing and not-too-attention-drawing.

After a while, and a prayer of thanks that no one had seemed to notice me, I hung up the pajamas and made my way out of the baby department, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

This fall has been an emotional one, with Boston on my mind so much. Deciding to take a long break from fertility treatments has been relieving and painful. Its good to have a break after 3 years, but its also been hard to accept what is and make peace with this trial. Making peace with God to help me accept that now is not my time to be a mother. Making peace with the possibility that I may never get pregnant again. Making peace with myself that I will be okay if that is the case. Making peace with the fact that this is not the first cry I've had in the baby clothes department, and that it probably won't be my last.

Sunday I taught a lesson at church on "How can I find solutions to my challenges and problems?" We read the story of Christ calming the sea, "And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.

And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?

And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"
Mark 4: 37-40

As I read that, I thought, how often do I expect the Lord to just hurry up and calm my life's storms? How often do I sink in my trials, calling out, "Master, carest not that I perish?" And how often does the Lord respond, "How is it that ye have no faith?" 

Heavenly Father can't stop every bad thing from happening to us, but he can stand by our side as we endure. I don't know who said it, but I love the quote, "Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms the child." I have felt the Lord calm me many times during this trial, even in the middle of a breakdown in the baby department at Target. I know I have grown and learned so much through hardship, and I know I still have much more to learn. 

So, how can I find solutions to my problems? I can read my scriptures every day for guidance. I can pray for strength to weather my storms, rather than for the storms to calm. Tyler and I can spend more time on each other and strengthening our marriage to withstand this trial. I can take advantage of the time I have now to cultivate my talents, and better myself. 

And I can accept that, sometimes, crying in Target is a solution, as well.

XO.

Pain demands to be FELT

October is miscarriage and infant loss month...
October is also the month that I became pregnant 1 year ago.

I could be blogging about my 2 month old smiling or holding up his head, but here I am, writing about miscarriage and infant loss month.

I would love to tell you that it gets easier with time, but the ache never goes away. Sure, it gets easier to hold babies or see birth announcements without the kind of crying that makes you gasp for air and turn blue, but it always hurts. The aching hole in my chest gets smaller but I think it will always be there, making it hard to breathe. Every time I hold one of my nephews I think of Boston. What would he be like at their age? Would he look like either of them? Sometimes its hard to hold them or look at them too much, but more often its harder to let go of them or look away. My arms and heart just hold on, desperately aching for the baby I never even got to hold.

I think that is the worst part of the loss. Its not the loss of its little life, but the loss of its whole life. It is the future we missed that hurts the most. The birth, the blessing, the first sounds, first crawl, first steps, first words, first day of school, baptism, rotten teenage years, graduation, college, marriage, LIFE! I mean, we only think Boston was a boy and we hoped for and pictured him with red hair, but we don't know. He was only a 12 week old fetus when we lost his heartbeat, and he became a memory to us.

It is the middle of the night (morning?) and I'm up writing this blog because

A. I don't ever sleep, and

B. My heart is so heavy tonight, my chest feels too crushed to relax and/or breathe. I'm just aching.

I think what I'm finding hardest about this month is that I didn't expect to get here and still not be pregnant. I just figured that once we started treatments again- viola!- we would be pregnant again. Not so. And so year three drifts past us. Three years of trying and hoping and praying got me 3 beautiful months of pregnancy, but no baby. And as often as I point out all the benefits of being childless to myself, it is never enough to make me forget him. I just miss him too much. I mean, I don't sleep as it is, but my sleepless nights have no purpose. Oh, what I would give to rock a crying baby in the middle of the night. 

I know there is a plan, and hope is not lost. I know that this life is meant for learning and growing, and I'm feeling pretty educated. I know that somehow someday, probably long from now, some little voice will call us mommy and daddy. I know that you can't force what is not meant to be, and I know that now is just not our time. But I still can't help being overcome with this pain tonight. I can't stop it.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
John Green said that. He's a genius.

XO.

Four Years Ago

Four years ago, about this time, I walked out of my bridal dressing room to meet Tyler and walk up to where we would be wed. I stepped out into the hallway, ready to take in this moment when he would see me in my wedding dress for the first time, but when I turned the corner and looked up at the man waiting for me it was... not Tyler. This red-headed stranger and I laughed as we realized the poor woman who had told us our spouses were ready was very mistaken. In her defense, what are the odds that another redhead couple was getting married about the same time on the same day? Easy mistake. I said I could just wait there for Tyler, but she insisted I have my grand entrance and hurried me back to the bride's room. When she returned, she promised she was sure she had the right husband for me this time.

I stepped into the hallway again, and when I rounded the corner, my eyes locked on Tyler's. There is something about being held in his gaze that makes me feel incredibly beautiful. As cliche and cheesy as it will sound, everything else melted away at that moment and I can't tell you too much about what else happened...

I know we made our way up the stairs somehow without tripping, despite not breaking eye contact. The room was crowded with our family and best friends, but I don't remember any faces. The Sealer spoke to us, and I'm sure he offered us some wonderful advice and I'm sure he said some beautiful words, but I can't tell you any of it.

I can only tell you that Tyler never stopped smiling and his green eyes became glassy every time he mouthed, "I love you" from across the altar. My skin burned and my stomach felt like it does before a plane's take-off. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I finally become aware enough to respond when the Sealer began the vows. There was an incredible ease in saying "Yes" that day.

Yes, I would be Tyler King's wife. Yes, I would stick it out through the tough times. Yes, I would work hard by his side. Yes, I would remain faithful with him and to him. Yes, I would love him endlessly, forever. It had never been so easy to promise anything.

Four years later, I still say "Yes" to all of it. These years have easily been some of the hardest we may have to endure in our lives, but love endures. We came out stronger and more in love than we were this day four years ago.

Tyler King is my best friend, my love for eternity. He is my strong foundation. He holds me steady when I cannot stand, and I'm generally clumsy and unsteady. He is all that is good and happy in this world. He makes sure I feel beautiful and loved every day.

I hope that he knows how much I love him. I hope that my efforts to show him how much he means to me are enough. He deserves only the best in this world, and he thinks that is me. He picked me! I'm still in awe. Gosh, I love him.

To infinity & beyond, Tyler king.
XO

I love September

*Deep sigh* The best month of the year has arrived. I love September. It represents the best beginning of my life.

The leaves are going to start changing colors. The air will get crisp, and we'll get gas station hot chocolate. That fall smell will fill the air. Cardigans, flannel shirts and slouchy beanies will make their way out of my closet. We'll celebrate Tyler's birthday, when we met and our wedding anniversary. We might even get our first snowfall. 

7 years and 2 weeks ago, I moved into my room at 3456 Iowa Avenue. It was the start of my 2nd year at WSU. There were 2 other empty rooms upstairs with me, and a few weeks later (cue September!) Lindsay Lula moved in. We instantly became attached at the hip and, one day, her friend Tyler King came to visit.

There was something about hanging out with Tyler that made me forget the seriousness of life and adulthood. He was 20 years old, didn't go to school and worked all night so he could play all day. He played the guitar, rock climbed, and loved to longboard. He drove an old Ford truck that he was always having to fix. It had a bench seat, and there was something great about the way he would pull me over to the middle and wrap his arm so tight around me. That semester of school was the most exhausting and most fun of all my college years.

We became best friends so fast, it was dizzying. He had just received his mission call, and in December he would leave for 2 years. I was waiting for a missionary that I was sure I would marry. So, we decided there was no harm in hanging out since neither of us expected much of the other.

At that time, Tyler was the kind of guy you dated just for fun. He wasn't serious about anything! I mean, we had our first kiss in our friend's living room while he played Grand Theft Auto. He paused the game, we kissed, and then he resumed stealing cars and running over pedestrians. We hung out every day, and talked on the phone all night. I don't ever remember sleeping. And I don't remember missing sleep either. He made everything exciting and made you feel like the world was a playground. He had no plans for the future, except maybe to be a professional rock climber or longboarder, which is totally hot to a 19 year old girl. He didn't see a future with me either, which meant he wouldn't "waste money on someone else's wife." Tyler only asked me along to places where he could get in for free and get free food and, to his credit, he was highly connected and you would be amazed how many free activities and meals he could get. Tyler was so much fun and he was my best friend.

However, Tyler did have these moments when he became the guy that was hard to resist...

The first snowfall of the season may not hit the valley, but usually sprinkles the mountains like powdered sugar. It was only my second year in Utah, so snow was still new and completely magical to me (It still is.) This particular day was no exception. I was just dying to see the snow in the mountains up close. I was a poor college girl without a car. So, that day Tyler picked me up from work and drove me up to Powder Mountain to play in the snow. I think I probably fell a little in love with him that day.

To put it simply, I was pretty clueless that September. I had no idea who I was. I acted like I did, like I had it all together. Truth be told, I was just a girl fighting to to keep my head above water. I was still sinking in the depths of my eating disorder, with an awfully tainted self-image. But Tyler King kind of saved me. He taught me so much. He made me realize what I was worth and what I deserved. Tyler was the kind of happiness you only get from a warm fire on a fall night, from the orange and red leaves, from gas station hot chocolate. He was like the first snowfall in September. 

He started this beautiful beginning we didn't even know was happening. That September would be the beginning of a life we didn't even know we would have. 

So, you see, how can I not love September?

XO.

Happy Birth Day, Boston!

Who knows? By now, you might have already arrived, you may have come today, or we might still be waiting to see your cute face. But today is the day the doctors, the apps, and the calculators said I was due to have you. We would have found out if you had the red hair we'd been hoping for, if you looked more like me or your daddy. But, guaranteed, we would have cried with joy over how perfect you were.

Oh, we miss you. We still love you with every beat of our hearts. Nothing could ever change that. You are our greatest miracle, Boston.

I have thought of you everyday since finding out you existed, but you have been heavy on my mind throughout what would have been my last trimester. I don't think I have ever wished to be so fat or hot! I would've loved to have spent the last month waddling around, roasting in the summer heat, waiting for you to arrive. Some days, I still can't believe you're really not coming.

I'll be honest. Mommy has had good days, okay days, and really bad days. The really bad days haven't been my proudest moments, but I can't help how much I loved you or how much it hurt to lose you. I now understand what it feels like to really have a broken heart. I thought I had experienced it before, but I was wrong. It is a real and physical, excruciating pain. When the doctor took my hand and told me you'd stopped growing, that you were no longer living in the little home I'd given you, the words were like hands around my throat. They sucked all the air from me, and when I could no longer breathe, then came the pain in my chest. I felt a fault line form down that center as my heart cracked apart and shattered. Trust me, the 2 weeks that followed were filled with some of the most horrible pain I've ever endured, but nothing can compare to that pain of a breaking heart.  I thought it would stay that way forever. I couldn't imagine how we could ever recover from such emotional pain. There, in the ultrasound room, it felt like all was lost. I didn't know how we ever would move on without you.

But ya know what fixes a broken heart, little one?

Love. 

And, man oh man, are we a greatly loved family! Your Grandma and Grandpa King were constantly by our side. They took care of everything and left us with nothing to worry about. Grandma Garrett came all the way from Arizona to take care of me when Daddy went back to work. And then came the meals, gifts, condolences. I know we are biased, but we really do have the best family and friends in the world! We are so incredibly blessed. They had all loved you the moment they knew about you, too. And it hurt them almost as much to lose you. 

Last, but never least, the pure and all-encompassing Love of the Savior saved our souls. He healed us. Our hearts were mended by his merciful Atonement, and we survived. Because of His love and His plan, you are not lost to us.

Boston, it is hard without you, but it is still a good life. Your short existence brought us more joy than losing you could destroy.

 

So, today, we cannot just sit at home crying our eyes out, wasting your special day feeling sorry for ourselves. Today, we have to celebrate you! We will celebrate our love that created you, and the love you created in those 12 short weeks. Our love for you and each other grows with each and every day. You have no idea what you have done for us. What a special little one you must be to have changed us so much in such a short time.
You are our angel. 

We adore you, sweet Boston.

Happy Birth Day!
Love, Mommy & Daddy

XO

Freed Space, Free Life.

Honestly, TylerKing and I are not the most organized people you'll ever meet, so our spare room has pretty much been under construction since we moved in 2 years ago.

At first we didn't try too hard to do much with it, since we expected to turn it in to a nursery at some point. Wanting so badly to not have it be anything but a nursery, it became a hodgepodge room for junk. Then, when we thought it finally would become a nursery we started clearing it out and bringing things in and making plans to arrange it our little Boston's home.

But after we lost Boston, the room became a painful reminder of what we didn't have. The only time we ever went into the room was to throw in more junk we didn't know what to do with. We would talk about cleaning it up and turning it into a guest room or an office, but neither of us ever put forth the effort to really get started.

With Boston's due date fast approaching I knew I couldn't put this off any longer. It was like a weight, crushing me. I knew we couldn't keep holding out hope for this room, wishing for it to be something else. So, we spent 8 hours yesterday, cleaning out the spare room and reorganizing it into an office and craft room.

It was an emotional experience. We wrapped up the crib and put it away in storage. We found a good place to store away the baby clothes. We put away the pregnancy books and the bag of info they gave us at our first maternity appointment.

I knew we needed to do this. We had to do this, but I couldn't help sitting down for just a moment in the middle of the room overwhelmed with emotion and tears. I looked around and pictured what I had planned for this room 6 months ago. Boston was going to have a Where The Wild Things Are nursery. I stared at the walls remembering what I had wanted to put here or paint there, the weight of heartbreak heavy on my chest.

But when all the organizing and moving furniture was finished, we laid on the floor, holding each other tight, breathing in unison. Suddenly, the weight was gone. I could move on now. I didn't have to hold on to that pain anymore. I could love this room that would now be my escape, a place where I could sew and cut and craft in peace, a place where I could quietly rummage through my thoughts and type this blog. I'm finally free.

Free? The thought seems so foreign. We've felt trapped by infertility for so long I almost don't know how to live a life not determined by medicine, doctor's appointments, blood draws and ovulation tests. It has been especially hard these last 3 months since the medicine, that worked so well before, isn't working now. I think being free of it sounds wonderful! So, we're going to be free for awhile and take some time off. We are going to find the joy in being a family of two. We are going to embrace our time together and just live a happy life. Maybe for a few months, maybe longer, but for now this freedom is what feels right for our life.

It has taken us time to get here, but here we are. We're happy. We're happy with a spare room that won't be a nursery for awhile. It's okay. We're okay.

I repeat,
This is still a good life.

XO

Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Its hard to believe that July has arrived and is almost over! I thought winter would never end, and then, suddenly, summer is almost over. What's harder to believe is that summer will come and go, and Boston won't be here. Some days it really still surprises me. And I'm amazed by that. I just keep thinking I'll get used to it. But every now and then, I wake up in disbelief that it's not January 10th and this hasn't just been the most horrible nightmare.

Next Tuesday will be my due date, but I won't be going to the hospital or bringing home a new baby. Instead, I'll be spending the day in Park City with Tyler. It will be an amazing day together, I'm sure, and its not a bad way to spend the day, but it's not what I had in mind for July 29th 6 months ago.

I have been running on a serious happy high for the past few weeks. We've just been loving life and feeling great. I got really settled into that and thought the rest of the month would just be a total breeze and not phase me, that I could just keep feeling fantastic. But, unfortunately, I'm actually a human being with a heart. And that heart is still pretty tender. 

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure I will feel brighter soon, but for now I'm just going to carry my heavy heart, have a good solid cry and miss the baby I never got hold. What else can I do? Sometimes ya just need a good cry.

Xo.

This is still a GOOD LIFE

When you have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years, eventually, you have to start looking for the silver lining. And trust me, its there. So, if may be honest, there actually are some perks to the childless years. There could be more if we weren't going broke trying to get pregnant, but we'll take what we can get! Not a dime we've spent on infertility could ever be called wasted, and we've decided not to let any of this time we've been given be wasted either.

Unfortunately, I did waste a lot of time in the beginning of our journey wishing for a different life and missing what was right in front of me. Well, not anymore!

Last Friday night I got home and started rummaging through the fridge, wondering what I should cook for dinner. Tyler called with a proposition, "Let's go camping!" The boring adult in me immediately responded, "It's already 7 o'clock, we're not packed, we don't have anything ready to go camping." Obviously disappointed, Tyler agreed and said he'd be home soon. After we hung up I started thinking...

Why couldn't we pick up and go camping? What responsibilities did we have?Besides laundry, dishes, house chores and all that stupid nonsense. What was keeping us home? We had no plans, camping is practically free (unless you go all out on camping treats, which we did!) and it was supposed to be a beautiful night with a full moon.

By the time Tyler got home, to his great excitement, I had the bedding piled in the living room and an overnight bag packed and ready to go. We threw everything in the jeep, stopped at Maverick for firewood, hit the grocery store for snacks, and headed up to Avon. We crossed our fingers that our favorite spot would be open, and it was! We set up camp as the sun set and started cooking dinner.

We settled in by the fire, roasting marshmallows under the moon's bright light. We talked and laughed until the middle of the night. This, right here, was perfect.

 

We couldn't just pack up and run away if we had a baby, and we certainly couldn't be doing this if I was 9 months pregnant. Does it change that I'd rather be 9 months pregnant? or at home snuggling a baby? No, of course not. But I'm not pregnant and we don't have a baby. So, should we feel guilty about enjoying things that are out of our control? NO! Do we have every right to still enjoy this life and have adventures? YES!

When it comes to infertility, there can be so much that is unfair and heartbreaking. You have to do your best to find the difficult blessings  you deservedly earn for enduring to the end! I thought July would be the hardest month of my life, but Tyler and I are happier than we've been in years! We have finally figured out that we are allowed as much joy as anyone else, with or without children. We're not wasting away the days wishing for a better life, because despite how hard it can be, this is still a GOOD LIFE! It is a great life! 

Live the good life.
XO

Difficult Blessings

The greatest bit of wisdom I have received lately was from a talk by an amazing young woman in church a couple of Sundays ago. Ashlee is getting ready to serve a mission in Florida and I just know she will be amazing! But in her talk she said something that really stuck with me about trials.

"Trials are just difficult blessings." I wanted to shout, "AMEN!" from my seat.

We all experience hardship in this life. God didn't send us down here to breeze through and learn nothing. What would be the point of that? If we couldn't make choices, we'd never learn from consequences. If we never experienced defeat, we'd never know victory. If we never endured pain, we'd never feel joy. If we never had trials, how would we notice our blessings?

And, really, we are SO blessed! I not only have one pair of shoes (which is more than some people have), I have enough pairs to go a month before I'd wear the same pair twice. I have a home and a big comfy bed. Any meals that I have missed in my life have been of my own choosing. The list goes on and on!

Even as we have struggled through infertility and loss, we have been able to see SO many blessings. Right now, we don't have children, but we have been incredibly blessed with 2 perfect nephews, cousins, and friends' kids. We have grown so much closer as a couple and recognize this time we have to spend together, before children, as a blessing. Our testimonies are bigger than ever, and our love for the Savior is indescribable.

Some blessings just come easily. Some blessings we are born with, or we are given without much effort. But some blessings we work and toil for. The blessings that come after the journey we weren't sure we could survive; those difficult blessings are the ones that often mean the most to us.

Count your many blessings, and be grateful for the most difficult ones.
XO

Patience

I came across this quote on Pinterest (Oh, Pinterest!) and it really got me thinking. 

I don't know about you, but I have never mastered waiting. I mean, let's face it, we are human, and waiting for things we want is just plain crappy. Especially now, when we live in a world where anything we want to know and much of what we want is available to us on a device that fits in our pocket. 

You're not sure how to spell a word? Your phone has spell check.

You're not sure how to get somewhere? You have GPS.

You want to know who the actor is in this movie? No need to wait 'til the credits, you have an IMDB app for that. Now you know who they are, where they were born, and what other shows they have been in. 

You want a pizza? You don't even have to call to have it delivered anymore! You download the app, pick your crust, toppings, and pay for it all on your phone. 20 minutes later that pizza guy is knockin on your door.

You want that TV show season that was just released on DVD? Amazon prime can have it on your doorstep in 2 days, and the shipping is FREE!

You want anything delivered to your house in 2 days? You can most likely get it on Amazon. 

You have a question about, really, ANYTHING? Google it.

The list goes on. But the moral of the story is that the internet age has turned us into VERY impatient people. 

And the moral of our story is that being surrounded by people having babies has made us very impatient for our own. So, we've tried to be patient, thinking that meant we had to learn to wait. Well, guess what! Despite all the waiting these last few years, we have not developed the ability to wait and, therefore, are not patient. Right? WRONG!

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting." 

Everyday is different, of course! But I think for the most part, we are getting there. We are learning to be patient. We are learning that despite what we don't have have, life is good! We can be happy and adventurous, and have FUN while we wait for children. We don't have to mope around wishing for better days. Better days are HERE, if we just enjoy right now! That's what it means to be patient. So, stop sitting around hating the life you have because you are wasting your time waiting on the life you don't have yet. 

Think about that.

XO.

Good friends, a laugh, and the Big Bang.

Once I found the right one, I always liked my birth control. I didn't gain weight or get acne. I could regulate my periods, and was spared much of the pain of bursting cysts that had accompanied my cycles prior.

In case you were wondering, when a cyst bursts on your ovary it feels like someone has jabbed a knife into your side and then continues to twist it around for about 2 or so hours. Once it strikes, there isn't much you can do. You assume the fetal position, grab some Redvines and Yorks, apply heat and (dramatically) wait for death...

Yeah. It's pretty great.

So, when one strikes, along with a few expletives, the words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper come to mind, "Oh! What fresh Hell is this?!"

...And, if you are really lucky, a good friend will embroider that thought on a rice bag for you.

XO. 

Happy Father's Day to Boston's Daddy

My dearest Tyler, my little Boston’s Daddy.

I can’t believe in just a month we would have been welcoming that little miracle. Who knew something so small could be so missed? That sweet little baby stole our hearts with that fluttery heartbeat. I saw it in your eyes that moment we stared at the the ultrasound screen- that was the moment you really became a Daddy. Suddenly this little life needed you, and you knew it. I saw you change right then and there. Suddenly, you were a whole new man, and I fell hopelessly in love all over again. I can’t wait to thank Boston for that someday, for giving me that. For the 3 months of my pregnancy, and all the months since, you have been an incredible Dad. You rubbed my little belly when I felt sick. You talked to my little bump, even when I told you the baby couldn’t hear yet. You told me I was beautiful when I felt like crap. You ran to the store or on crazy errands for weird cravings. You stood by my side, and you wiped my tears away when we found out we were losing the baby. You held me close and cried just as much as I did. That’s how I knew you loved that little miracle just as much as I did. And now, I have been blessed to watch you as fatherhood has changed you. It has made you a better husband and an amazing uncle. The love you have for our nephews, and babies in general, is absolutely fun to watch; I cannot get enough of it. 
Someday we will have a baby here with us, and you will be incredible! Our son will want to be just like you. Our daughter will fall in love with you. But, for now, you are an amazing father to that sweet angel who stole our hearts with that fluttering heartbeat. And, for now, that’s all we need. I could never have survived this journey if it weren't for your love. You give me strength when I can’t stand on my own. You love me through our hardest times. You are more than I ever could have imagined for myself and my children. I love you forever and always, to infinity and beyond, Tyler King.

Things will work out.

I came across this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley today on Pinterest,
and it spoke to my soul!

When wandering the path of infertility it can be extremely hard to keep trying and believing. It can feel impossible to be happy. It can be a task to try and not get discouraged. And, sometimes, you want to punch people who say, "Oh things will just work out!" But don't wind up and throw your fist just yet.

I'm here to say, the truth of it is, THINGS WILL WORK OUT. Things will work out somehow. They may not work out in the way you wanted, or the way you thought, but things will work out just as they should.

Keep Trying & Be Believing

Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the lightbulb.

Michael Jordon was cut from his high school basketball team.

Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.

Walt Disney was fired because he "lacked imagination and had no good ideas."

Beethoven wrote 5 of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf. 

27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss.

Be Happy
Don't let what's not happening in your life keep you from happily enjoying all that is happening! If you spend all of your time focusing on what you are missing you will miss out on what you have.
Even though we would love to have children of our own, we can use the time that we don't to be the most fun aunt and uncle ever! Our nephews are absolutely our 2 greatest joys! Not to mention, we are extremely blessed with younger cousins and adopted nieces and nephews from our dearest friends. We are surrounded by children we can spoil, cuddle, and care for.
As much as we look forward to the insanity of juggling parenthood with marriage, we recognize how important it is to enjoy this time that it is just the two of us. We try to cherish every moment! We don't want to look back on this time and have regrets about how we drifted apart amidst this trial.

Don't Get Discouraged
This one is hard, I know! I have yet to master it, but I'm working on it. There are so many things that seem to not be working. Don't focus on that stuff. Learn to celebrate any small accomplishments or tiny steps of progress. Even little glimmers of hope are HOPE! Cling to hope and don't give up.

Things Will Work Out

If you can just keep a positive attitude as you stumble along your journey, I promise you will see things work out. It probably won't be what you wanted or expected, but it will be everything you needed. 

Attitude Adjustment

Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, while I, apparently, carry mine in my hair. Anytime I am faced with emotional distress, or great life changes, I bust out the scissors or the hair dye.

High School graduation: cut 8 inches and black low-lights
19th Birthday: box dye black hair
1st year living on my own: blonde highlights
Boyfriend left on mission: platinum blonde
Break-up: return to redhead
Break-up, again (don't ask! lol): chop to chin
Happily married: grew hair out- longest it's ever been!
Miscarriage: emotional box dye job that, thankfully, didn't really go cherry black!

So, as I faced starting Femara again, I found myself falling into a black hole that I couldn't seem to get out of. I had worked so hard to find happiness after our loss, and I really was content for so long. But starting the process to get pregnant again just knocked me right out of that happy zone. I was feeling so depressed and my attitude completely sucked! I was grumpy and whined about my stupid ovaries incessantly. And, if I am honest, with my due date fast-approaching I am reminded that our baby isn't coming, and I don't think that will ever stop hurting.

When I woke up Sunday morning I did not want to go to church. I felt so tired from the Femara and I just wanted to pull the covers back up over my head, cry my eyes out and go back to sleep, buuuut I had done that the Sunday before. I forced myself out of bed and we walked into the foyer, late, just as the speaker was beginning her talk. We sat down, and immediately I knew that was where I needed to be. If sweet Camille had written that talk for anyone, it was for me. She spoke about trials and enduring in Faith; all things I knew. She even referenced a talk by Thomas S. Monson that I have read and used multiple times, but it was all hitting me like brand new information! My hardened shell began to crack... Oh, the Lord knows us so well. He knows just what we need to hear and he knows when we need a good butt kicking.

Well, more than ever, I was absolutely sick and tired of feeling crappy and sucking the happiness out of our house. I spent the rest of the day fighting my rotten attitude and trying to figure out how to get myself out of this funk. By Tuesday, I knew I needed a major attitude adjustment, so what else seemed more appropriate than a haircut?! Thank the Lord for good friends with home salons! My dear Courtney saved me in my desperation for change.

I lost 10 inches of hair and found my HOPE!

Cheers to being happy again!
XO

Nausea and Hot Flashes and Narcolepsy, OH my!

Nausea and hot flashes and narcolepsy, Oh My!

Yep. Welcome back, Femara.
Heeeeeerrrre we go, again!

Even though its happening, I still can't believe it. I can't believe we have to do this, again. I didn't think that this would be the hardest of all things to accept, but it is. And now, more than before, I just can't seem to accept that my stupid ovaries really don't work. (Man, I hate those buggers.)

I guess, I read one too many blogs or post-D&C forum posts about women who tried for X years to get pregnant, lost the pregnancy at X weeks, and miraculously got pregnant X months later on their own. Suddenly, I was creating imaginary, fairy tale, surprise pregnancy stories in my head. I knew it was silly, and would probably end in my great disappointment, but what can I say? I'm a dreamer. There are upsides and downsides to being so positive. The biggest downside is the disappointment.

Nevertheless, here we are.
Dreaming big, again.
Hoping, again.
Taking pills, again.
Peeing on sticks, again.
Getting poked with needles, again.
Going through it all, again...
Because we hope it will work, again!
Scared, because what if it's lost, again?

I'm filled with hope, because my only other option is to be filled with fear- fear of it working and being lost again, fear that it won't work at all. But I know I can't give in to those fears. I live in hope, because I tried living in fear and it nearly killed my soul. Living in hope is the only way to survive all of this. With hope, the savior walks beside me, lifts me up when I start to drag my feet and carries me when I cannot walk on my own. So, to keep him along my side, I continue with hope. Hope that, eventually, someday, somehow we will have a little one here with us. Hope that someday I'll see my husband holding a baby that is our own. Hope that I'll hear a little voice call, "Mommy!" and I'll be the one who answers. 

Femara is our hope, our chance.
And, really, being tired, nauseous and hot is no big sacrifice.

I'm  armed with caffeine, a fan and FAITH.
XO.

Not bitter. Just annoyed.

I promise, I'm not being bitter. I really did give that up...

Having a pity party isn't being bitter. It's just throwing a quick tantrum and then moving on. So, that's all I'm doing. I just need to throw a few things, have a fit, and then I will be just fine ;)

In taking slow steps back to the trial and error of infertility, I asked my doctor's office to draw my blood to see at what level my progesterone is hanging out these days. Of course, I knew what the answer would be: my pesky progesterone has returned to the low, single digits (must be double digits to maintain a pregnancy, e.g. my progesterone was a 40 when I got pregnant with Boston)

Was I surprised? No.
Was I outraged? Not really "outraged," just reallly reeeeeallly annoyed.

I think what is even harder than accepting that Tyler and I will not have a baby at the end of July, is accepting that I have to go through all this crap again! I feel like going back to the infertility clinic is doing a walk of shame of the worst kind, like worse than a bridesmaid walking home in an unzipped dress with one shoe on. I was so excited and confident about my pregnancy with Boston, I walked out of that office like they would never see me again, "Peace out ladies! I'm dooooone!" I just can't believe I have to go back.

After I accepted the loss, I got my head wrapped around this wild idea of my body learning to do what it should and miraculously getting pregnant on our own. Now that I know that isn't happening, I feel so defeated... and mad.

I'm mad at my stupid ovaries and my stupid uterus. I'm mad that they just can't get into gear and work like they should. I even yelled at them. I told them they sucked and, unless they wanted to experience my wrath, they should get their act together and start working. They responded by giving me a period... how kind. Of course, of alllll they things they can do! *major, teenager style eye roll*

ANYWAY. I threw my fit, and I'm moving on. Tantrum over, I swear.


Wish me luck with my ovaries!
XO

My first Mother's Day

Well, my first Mother's Day was definitely different than I would have imagined at the start of the year. Everything about this year is entirely different than what we expected when 2014 began.

I had imagined celebrating my first Mother's Day 7 months pregnant, impatiently awaiting the arrival of our little Baby Boston. But instead, I woke up with the most clear reminder that I was NOT pregnant. (I've decided that starting your period on Mother's Day is the most painful slap to the face there is.)

I had been having the most fun visit in CA with my family for my first nephew's first birthday. I was too busy having a blast to think about what the morning of Mother's Day would feel like. I didn't give it much thought. But then, I woke up and realized how hard it felt. I had my moment as my parents drove me to the airport. After opening my first two Mother's Day cards from my Mom and sister-in-law and broke down in the car. I kept my sunglasses on and cried in the airport while I waited for my flight, and I cried when the JetBlue flight attendant said over the intercom, "We would like to wish all the Mothers on our flight today a very happy Mother's Day."

Ty picked me up from the airport, and as soon as I got in the car he handed me a card and gift, and said "Happy Mother's Day, babe." Tears again! but happy tears. He thought of me. He looked at me and I knew he didn't see me as broken. He looks at me and sees Boston's Mommy. My heart was overwhelmed. Tyler King is too amazing. I can't believe I am so lucky!

I don't hate Mother's Day. It is a hard day for infertiles and those who have suffered loss, but I think Mother's Day is one of the best holidays. Mothers should be celebrated for all they do, how they serve and sacrifice for their families. And I'm grateful, even though I don't yet have any children here on earth to celebrate my motherhood, that my sweet husband, family, and friends made sure to remind me that I am still a mother. I gave Boston a home for 3 months inside my body. He became part of me, and my heart grew with more love than I knew it could possess. I am his Mommy, and I get to celebrate Mother's Day because of those 3 months that changed my life forever.  

My love and prayers go to all of those struggling to start families and those living in the wake of loss. Motherhood doesn't solely apply to those physically caring for children. It is a celebration of women everywhere! Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunts, Sisters, Cousins and Friends who influence and love any children in their lives. 

I hope you all had a Happy Mother's Day!
XO

Resolve to know MORE

Resolve to know MORE 

National Infertility Awareness Week 2014

#Resolve #ResolveToKnowMore #NIAW

I sincerely hope that those who have followed us on our journey feel more educated about Infertility. I know that Tyler and I certainly had NO idea what infertility really meant before we faced it. Most of us figure we'll decide to have a baby, try for a few months, and BAM! We'll be pregnant. However, for 1 in 8 couples, it won't happen that way...
 And we are the 1 in 8.

I always thought that Infertility referred to those who could never have children, or if you were old and had been for trying for years and years. I never thought, at the age of 24, when I expressed concern to my doctor after trying to conceive for 9 months that she would recommend we start researching Infertility and begin treatment. How would I have known that my progesterone levels are practically non-existent? Or that I rarely, if ever, ovulate on my own?

So, almost 2 1/2 years and 1 miscarriage later, HERE WE ARE! 

Still crying, still hoping, and still trying.

What do you know about Infertility?

According to the World Health Organization: Infertility is defined as "a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical, full-term pregnancy after 12 months of regular unprotected sexual intercourse."

It is a disease. We aren't struggling, paying tons of money to get pregnant because we haven't relaxed enough. *insert eye roll & you-are-dead-to-me stare here*

According to Resolve.org: 30% of Infertility problems are male, 30% are female, 20% is unexplained, and 10% is a combination of problems with both partners.

Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S., or 1 in 8 couples. (2002 National Survey of Family Growth)

But for couples enduring infertility, it is SO much more than scientific facts and statistics. It is heartbreaking. I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was a little girl who played with her dollies. I was ALWAYS the Mom when I played house with my friends. I started babysitting my cousins when I was 9 years old. By the time I was 12, babysitting was my regular source of income, and by 17 I had a steady Nanny job after school. I always imagined growing up, graduating from college, getting married and having babies. That was my life plan... So when I had the husband and the degree, the next step was obvious.
We had no idea that we would be starting such a long journey. Infertility is different for everyone. For some, it takes years to get pregnant. For some, it takes medications to correct problems. For some, it takes expensive & invasive treatments. For some, it means that natural conception is not an option. For some, it means enduring numerous miscarriages. There are many different journeys, but they all cause heartache. They are all expensive and inconvenient and unfair. And while there is a growing community trying to raise awareness, it is still a very misunderstood disease. We are constantly bombarded with people who try to diagnose us, or tell us we're just overthinking it. We kind of want to punch those people in the face, just a little.

So, How do you know if it is time to see a specialist?

It is suggested to see a Reproductive Specialist after 12 months for women under 35, but after just 6 months if the woman is over 35. If you are looking for a great clinic in the Salt Lake City, UT area, consider Reproductive Care Center! Everyone here is so caring and genuinely invested in you. We have loved this office. When we found out we were pregnant they jumped and cheered with us. When we lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks, they cried with us. When we needed time to grieve before trying again, they supported us.

How can you support family/friends facing Infertility?

RESOLVE TO KNOW MORE! 

If your friends or family members are open with you about the medicines they are taking or the treatment they are undergoing, you can do research so that you can try to better understand what they are going through. You can check in with them to see how they are doing, be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. Even if you haven't gone through Infertility struggles doesn't mean you can't be sensitive to their pain.

Now, not everyone chooses to be as open about their struggles as others. Not everyone is crazy enough to post his/her intimate feelings and struggles on the world wide web. Who has two thumbs and shares way too much information?
This girl!

If, that is the case, and friends or family have alluded to or only expressed limited details about infertility struggles, respect their privacy! Let them know you are there to support them, but don't bother them for details. Infertility is a very emotional and private matter for most couples, and the best you can do is just love them and pray for them. If you are announcing a pregnancy, be sensitive to those around you. Be understanding and share with them privately, send a note or an email. It's not that we aren't happy for you, but it is definitely nice to have private time to react. We want to be able to show you our excitement and support, but we might need a little time.

If you wonder why a couple may not have any children, DON'T ASK! I know I've been over this before, but I'll say it again, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Some couples may not ever tell anyone about their infertility struggles. (Not everyone is going hashtag #infertility, sharing pictures of ovulation tests and blood draws.) They certainly don't need you to painfully remind them when you ask, "Why don't you have any kids yet??"

Resolve to know more.

Learn more, so you can be a better friend and loved one. Learn more, so you can be more considerate. Learn more, so you can be supportive. 

Thanks much from Infertiles everywhere.

XO


http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html 

Words of Hope.

This quote is from a fantastic book I read recently, An Abundance of Katherines by John Green. And I've said before, I read once "Whatever is good for your soul, do that." So, that is why I write this little blog. It helps me and I hope it helps others. I will be forgotten, but the stories and feelings I write will last, and maybe telling it will change others just the slightest little bit- just as living it all has changed me.

Writing relieves me. I rummage through my feelings and the words just fall out. I have come to find and discover myself as pens have met pages and fingers have hit keys. 

Here I am wide open for whoever cares to read what I write. I open my heart, because what if I didn't? What if somehow my open heart could help someone who keeps theirs closed? The Lord inspires me as I write. I feel Him close to me as I share my testimony of Faith and His love. I could never endure my trials without His companionship, without understanding that He has a divine plan for me. I want everyone to know they are never alone. 

Reading other Infertility blogs has given me such a sense of community. I want others to read my blog and know that they aren't alone. There are many of us struggling with the pain of infertility, and the more we all spread the word, the less alone we will all feel. We can build each other up with words of Hope and Faith. We can help one another feel brave and powerful when times are tough and threaten our ability to go on. We can laugh with each other when we find the humor and hilarity in it all. We can cry together when we suffer. We can help each other know that We Can Get Through This! Eventually, we will all, somehow, find our way. 

I hope that in some small way my words have helped someone the way others have helped me. We All Matter. This is why I write: So I remember that I matter, and help you remember that you matter. This struggle isn't in vain. There is purpose and learning and growth, and most importantly, there is HOPE.

Thanks for reading.

XO. Much love to you all. 

Ready or Not? Not.

It's already been 3 months since I was 3 months pregnant. 3 months since we found out we'd lost Baby Boston at 12 weeks. 3 months since my D&C at 13 weeks, because my body just couldn't let go of that little fetus. 3 months since I woke to the empty realization that my baby was gone.

Yep! That was me, already showing at 11 weeks.

3 MONTHS.

And while January felt like a hell that wouldn't end, the time since has raced passed me faster than I can believe. The break in my heart still feels like a fresh wound, and some days I still wake up expecting to be pregnant, thinking that surely I must have dreamed a terrible nightmare. I still wear the maternity leggings I had just purchased days before- partly because I wish I was still pregnant and partly because, let's be honest, they're too comfortable to give up. Why can't it be fashionably acceptable to wear stretchy pants all the time??? I mean, really! Aaaaand back on topic...

I can't believe its been 3 months.

I've been ready to be pregnant again since February, but that's easier said than done. I hoped that 3 months of pregnancy had healed my body, and by some miracle it would start working like it should. I dreamed that we would get pregnant by surprise- no doctors, no meds, not tests.

Nope!

So, now we face the decision to start Femara, again. Femara wasn't bad. It made me really sleepy, but that was hardly much to complain about after the havoc Clomid raged on my hormones and emotions. And I got pregnant the 3rd month I was on it, so the problem isn't about taking Femara. Its everything that comes with really starting to "try" again. For those of you who think, "Trying is the fun part!" SHUT UP! Trust me, you have obviously never "tried" to get pregnant. There is nothing fun about ultrasounds when there's no baby, having your blood drawn all the time,  and taking pee tests at the most accurate ovulation read time (which, by the way, takes about 4 minutes to season and is when you are at work, using the public restroom)

Right now, Tyler and I are so happy! We have found peace after the miscarriage. We have fallen more in love. And we are content. It's hard to maintain happy and content once you start the roller coaster of infertility again.

Like I said, were facing the time to decide at the end of this week... Well, my period just came 4 days early and took my time to decide!!! What a jerk. Just another reason to hate that damned messenger.

So, here I lay, exhausted, but wide awake. Weighing the pros and cons of starting Femara again tomorrow, or putting it off another month. Weighing what I want against what I can handle. And coming to the ultimate decision that, while I'm ready for a miraculous conception that takes no effort on my part (and not giving up on that idea!), I am not quite ready to head down the road of meds, and tests, and stress, and disappointment again just yet.

But, ya know what? That's okay. It's my life and it's Tyler's life. He loves me and he'll patiently wait for me, because he is just that amazingly cool. And because he knows that, eventually, I will be ready.

And someday, I will be pregnant again.

Xo.