"What are you waiting for?"

"Do you guys have any kids?"
"No. Not yet..."
"What are you waiting for?!"

What are we waiting for? Oh, just waiting for the doctor recommended time to pass after the D&C I had a month ago. Then, we'll be waiting until we feel ready to move forward and try again after the loss of our little miracle.

This sweet sales associate at Verizon, who is obviously a proud and happy mother, was just trying to make polite conversation. She had no idea that she was asking the most insensitive question you can ask a couple who have tried for years to get pregnant and just suffered a miscarriage only a short month ago.

Tyler and I looked at each other having one of those telepathic conversations couples have. We were having a good day, so we decided to be nice and polite in response. (Not like the day the client at work told me that children were the Lord's greatest blessing and delaying to have children was a sin... Oh yeah, that happened! And I let her have it pretty bad. I wasn't even sorry when she apologized, almost crying.)

"We are just waiting for our bodies to work." *smile*
*embarrassed* "Oh, I'm sorry..."
"Thanks. It's okay."

The conversation could totally have ended there, but of course, it didn't...

"Well, let me tell you a story! My brother's sister-in-law and her husband tried to start a family for 10 years and had no success. So, they adopted. Then, she found out she was pregnant. She ended up having 4 more children naturally after the adopted one! You never know what will happen!!"
Thanks for sharing. *eye roll*

Here's the deal, people:
Do not ask couples questions regarding their plans to start a family. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! They may be struggling with infertility, they may have just suffered a miscarriage, they may have lost a child, or they may just not feel ready to have kids right now or ever. It is their business, not yours. Starting a family involves the most intimate part of a relationship.

You may think you are asking, "So, are guys going to have kids soon?"
But you are really asking, "So, are you having unprotected sex?" 
What kind of answer do you want? "Yeah, we ditched the birth control and we're just going at it like rabbits. Cross your fingers for us!"
(AWKWARD)

You may think you are just asking, "So, why don't you guys have kids yet?"
But you are just causing us pain, cause guess what! We ask ourselves that every day! If we were as fertile as some of our friends and family we could have 2 kids by now. You have just reminded us of how infertile we are, and how painful it is that everyone else is noticing.

The common misconception after we respond (making you feel like a creep for even bringing it up) is that you must then make it better by telling us about your brother's sister-in-law's cousin's friend's aunt and uncle who tried for 20 years and then had 10 kids. That's cool, but you do not have to tell us a bedtime story. We are adults. A simple apology is fine and we can just move on from the awkwardness that just happened because you asked a stupid question.

But the point of this blog is to help you avoid an apology by avoiding the stupid question. JUST DON'T ASK! Strangers have no business asking about another stranger's personal life. So, don't do it, Please.

Much thanks, from all infertiles everywhere.

XO

BUT I STILL HAVE HOPE

I've been dreading this day all week.
I think if you added up the hours I've slept each night it might equal, or at least be close to, a whole night's rest. I am running on fumes.
I've sped to work every morning, running late, tears falling all over my steering wheel.

Today was to be my 16 Week Ultrasound.

At 2:15 today Tyler and I would've waited in the office and placed our final bets. Then, we'd hold our breath and wait for the reveal... "It's a BOY!" Would probably have produced a huge sigh of relief from Tyler King. "It's a GIRL!" Would have made us both laugh and cry as Tyler went into a What do I do with a girl?? tailspin, and made me hope Please don't be like me! But either way, we would have claimed it was exactly what we wanted and been so incredibly grateful. We would have both laid in bed tonight imagining the most perfect porcelain-skinned, red-headed babe.
For the record we both think Boston was our baby boy. Just a thought.

But that isn't what happened today...

I woke up late.
Cried the whole drive to work.

And at 2:15, instead of holding Tyler King's hand and waiting to find out if little Boston was a boy or a girl, I walked into the doctor's office alone. I waited for them to call my name while woman after woman checked in at the front desk for their first prenatal visit, and the lady across from me rocked her darling newborn.

When they finally called my name, I walked passed the New Arrivals bulletin board covered with birth announcements. Then the nurse took me back to draw my blood for the 3rd time to see if my HCG levels have finally returned to not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant anymore. 

My clothes fit again.
I've lost 6 lbs.
The maternity pants I had just started wearing are too baggy.
The coat with the buttons that puckered over my little bump fits fine again.
My belly is soft and flattening.

What took 3 months to grow has vanished in 3 weeks.

When I close my eyes I can still see the ultrasound.
I still feel confused by the emptiness.
I still feel the way my ears started ringing, aching to hear that heartbeat again.
Behind the ringing I can still slightly hear the doctors apologizing.
I can still hear the sobs that ripped from Tyler's chest that first night.
Then, I remember waking up in post-op realizing how empty I was now that I was no longer someone's home.
I remember, for a second, wondering if they had taken my heart out during the surgery, because my chest felt just as empty.
I remember turning my head and pulling the sheet over my eyes as they wheeled me past the nursery in the postpartum unit, but being too tired to bother to cry anymore.

Days like today I end up talking to Heavenly Father A LOT. I'm a pretty vocal pray-er. I like talking out loud, waiting for His reply. I talk to him just like I would my own dad. I thank Him, sometimes I whine to Him, I ask for His help, and days like today I just beg Him. I beg Him to help me feel the peace I desperately need, I beg for His warming comfort, and I beg Him to show me all His love.
And Guess what! He never disappoints. He went with me to my appointment today. He held me tight while I felt like I would fall apart. And every corner I turn, every day, He shows me His divine Love.

It doesn't mean that life is never hard or that I'm never sad. I'm pretty shattered today, but the Lord always puts me back together. I can count on that. Just when I feel like the darkness is going to consume me, the light of Christ opens my eyes and reminds me that because of Him, even though today was hard, I still have HOPE. My Faith is bigger than my Fear.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much.

2014 Bucket List

Hey, 2014! Get ready to be rocked!

Ready? Here it is, in no particular order: My 2014 Bucket List.

1. Go to more concerts- If a band comes that we LOVE, then let's go see them!

2. Learn to drive Thor (stick shift)

3. Take Tyler on a tour of Colton to see where I grew up

4. Go to DisneyLand

5. Get my toes in some Pacific Coast sand

6. Go to Yellowstone (never been!)

7. BE HAPPY!

8. Be a better wife to Tyler King <3

9. Sew more--- follow a pattern & make something!

10. Spoil Nixon and baby nephew #2!

11. Take Tyler to see the Grand Canyon

12. STOP being sad that the spare room is not a nursery. Clean it out and, finally, make it a guest room!

13. Stop being afraid and open an Etsy shop

14. Give more service!

15. Read the scriptures every day- read the Book of Mormon cover to cover

16. Be BRAVE!

17. Worry Less

18. Cook more

19. Do the dishes every day (this will probably be the most difficult task!)

20. Set a good budget, stick to it, and SAVE
21. Hike to Ben Lomond Peak- hike more in general this summer
22. Learn to Snowboard

What Boston Taught Me

To our sweet miracle baby, Boston:

I will forever be grateful for all that you taught me in the short time I had to carry you in my womb. Even though I will not get to hold you in my arms, I will always carry you in my heart. 

You taught me that the Lord hears and answers prayers:

For 2 years we hoped and prayed to start a family. In October, as the 2 year mark fast approached, I felt the weight of infertility crushing me and my grasp on hope was loosening. I prayed to Heavenly Father with all my heart to be pregnant. I felt like I would completely lose all hope if I had to go into 2014 still trying. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of my sanity, but I felt God promise me he wouldn't push me past my limits. The next month, we found out that we were, finally, pregnant with you! Now, we knew that we COULD get pregnant! We knew that Heavenly Father had heard our pleas, and he had blessed us.

You taught me about true love and how to feel pure joy:

When I married your Daddy I thought nothing in this life could feel happier than that, and that I could never be more in love than I was that day. Well, when those 2 blue lines told me you were part of our family, when we heard your heartbeat, when my bump started to show, I couldn't even begin to find words to describe the joy that filled my heart. And Daddy and Mommy fell more deeply in love with each other, because we fell hopelessly in love with you. Just 2 days before we found out we lost you, Daddy had swung me into his arms and swore he had never been so happy in his entire life, and that I had never been so beautiful. Thank you for that, baby.

You taught me to be brave:

For the first time in my entire life I wasn't afraid. For once I didn't let stresses or worries get in my way. I enjoyed every moment that I carried you! I fearlessly believed that I had nothing to worry about. I never once worried I would lose you.

At first, when we found out we lost you, I felt guilty. I felt like I should have known. I thought I was a terrible mother, How does a mom not even know her baby died? But I came to realize that had I known and spent what little time we had worrying, like I normally do, I would have never enjoyed my 12 weeks of pregnancy. Oh, I enjoyed it so much! It was beautiful and amazing. I can't believe I ever thought for a moment that I was showing too early. Now, I am so grateful for my little bump that meant I had you growing inside me at one time. 

You taught me to believe:

More than ever, without a doubt, I know that God exists. The ability to create life is a remarkable gift from God. How else could it be that you formed from this tiny part of Dad and this tiny part of Mom? It is absolutely by divine design. As my body started to change, I felt so much closer to the Lord and believed in Him so much more. 

You taught me about Miracles:

You are the greatest miracle of our lives! You came in to our family just when we needed you and, even though you couldn't stay, we will always be grateful you came. 

You taught me about my Savior:

Losing you was both the worst and most spiritual experience of my life. I felt my Savior by my side every second that my heart was breaking. He picked up the pieces of Mommy and Daddy's hearts and put us back together. His atonement lessened our suffering and freed us from the anguish of guilt and anger. His love helped us survive. 

Baby Boston, I carry you in my heart forever. I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned from you. I know that is why you came. You came to teach me; to make me better. 

Love,

Mommy

Thank the Lord for Miracles and Baseball!

Well, as you and the rest of baseball fandom know, the Red Sox won the World Series. We met our buddies, the Brandleys, at McDonald's for celebratory ice cream and hoped that Boston's win would award us the Luck we needed to finally get pregnant. We had much to celebrate in the King house that night, so with Meg and Phil's blessing we returned home, and celebrate we did ;)

2 weeks passed. On Tuesday morning, Nov 19th, I awoke feeling... different. Something just felt new. I still hadn't started, but still had a couple of days before I was supposed to. I wanted to get thoughts of "maybe I am pregnant" out of my head and move on, so I grabbed my last pregnancy test. I waited the 3 minutes as nonchalantly as usual--after 30+ negative pregnancy tests you begin to expect nothing more... I picked up the test to throw it in the trash, as I always have. I prepared to grasp my chest together, as I always have, when my heart broke again over another failed test.

Before I dropped it into the trash 2 blue lines caught my eye.
There's never been 2 LINES before! I thought...
I pulled the box and test instructions out of the trash and frantically held the test beside the examples to double and triple check that I was sure of what I was seeing and began to laugh hysterically as I tried to find the words,
"Ppp... Prregg... Pregnant! I'M PREGNANT!"

As the realization of my dreams finally coming true rushed over me I fell on the bed and began to just bawl, and laugh, and pray. I poured out my thanks to God between bursts of laughter and overwhelming tears. I could not believe this was really and truly, finally happening! It couldn't be real! But I knew it was.
How was I going to tell Tyler?!

I picked up the phone and greeted him with sobs. Thinking I must have found out I wasn't pregnant Tyler asked if everything was okay, and I just blurted out
"I just took a test and I am pregnant!"
"WHAT?!" was all Tyler could blurt out back to me...
"Hold on Hold on... Okay I was about to walk in to a meeting. What did you just say to me???"
"Tyler, I'm pregnant!"
All I wanted to do was be right beside him and hug him so tight as we both cried tears of joy over the phone. It was the happiest moment of my life, getting to tell Tyler he was going to be a father. 

We both had long days at work but, I think, when we finally got to see each other that night, it was the longest hug in history! Nothing could possibly feel more happy than this...

Or so I thought, until we saw our tiny little bean, measuring 6 weeks, the following week. Everyone at Reproductive Care Center congratulated us and we showed pictures of what we thought was the most beautiful thing in the world, which looked like a tiny gray blob to everyone else. And again we thought that nothing could possibly make us happier...

Then, at 8 weeks, we heard the thud of Baby Boston's heartbeat. We melted. Our hearts were absolutely had by this little one now and forever.





And then, at almost 12 weeks, we were going to share the happiest news of our lives with all of you. Our hearts were so full we could burst! But, at todays's appointment, we discovered our worst nightmare. The doctor searched for the baby and could find no heartbeat. I think my memory will never lose the image of the look on her face when she looked me in the eye, grabbed my hand and explained to me what was happening. Tears filled her eyes as my world crashed around me and the sound of Tyler's quiet sobs traveled across the room.

The baby had stopped growing since the last appointment and there was no longer a heartbeat.

Our hearts shattered in to a million pieces as the doctor explained to us that we had experienced a "Missed Miscarriage," where there are no signs that the baby has been lost. We sat in shock while the tears flowed. All the words i could form were, "Please, God. No." This could not be happening. When would I finally wake up? It has to be a dream, right?

It's not a dream. It's so very real. Our tiny little hope of a baby is still inside me, but its heart isn't beating anymore. That beautiful sound we fell in love with a few weeks ago has vanished. And, now, I feel as if my own heart can't beat either.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have had the time I did to carry this sweet Baby Boston. It truly is the greatest blessing that God can give to women, even if I only had 12 weeks to enjoy it. We treasure the time we had, and we will treasure Baby Boston in our hearts forever. 

I am grateful for the last 2 years that have taught us to lean on the Savior, and that made me appreciate this opportunity so much these last few months. My heart will never be the same and forever ache for the baby I wished so much to hold.

Thank you all for your love, support, and prayers.

and Thank you, Lord, for Miracles and Baseball.

Much love.

Happy New Year!

DEAR 2013,

You have not been the easiest year of my life, but you have been life-changing. We shed all our tears this year, and somehow managed to still find more to fill our eyes. We learned more about ourselves and more about Christ than we ever have.

We entered year number 2 of infertility. After tests at the start of the year we discovered that my body rarely, if ever, ovulated on its own and my progesterone levels were too low to sustain a pregnancy. We tried Clomid, and quickly said, "NO MORE!" We took the summer off to forget about trying to get pregnant and just have fun!

We flew to CA just in time for our first nephew, Nixon Gregory Garrett, to be born on May 10. He weighed in at a perfectly chubby 9 lbs 15 oz. It was one the of the most magical days 2013 gave us. I will never forget that moment when my mom put him in my arms for the first time. I was absolutely overcome as I stared into the eyes of the newest love of my life. He was beautiful and the complete definition of perfection. He is the best thing that has happened to our family and we thanked the Lord for blessing us all with such a precious gift. He was the perfect Mother's Day gift for his Grandma, as well as having both of her children on Mom Day for the first time in 8 years!

We enjoyed a fabulously relaxing weekend in Bear Lake with the Kings. We rode bikes, soaked up the sun, built sandcastles, and forgot about all our stresses and cares. It was fantastic! 

We went to Moab with our awesome friends Darren and Larynn. It was a first for Tyler and I, and it was an absolute blast!!! Tyler got to take the Jeep up Poison Spider, we went hiking, ate at Milt's (DELISH!), and floated down the river like 5 times.

Throughout the summer we had to say goodbye to families that moved far away, and we didn't love it. My Aunt Lesley's family moved to AZ where my uncle Isaac will work on his Doctorate at ASU. My Aunt Kelly's family moved to Georgia where my uncle Curtis will work on getting in to Dental school. These were very hard goodbyes! But we wished them the best and looked forward to holidays and visits.

We also had to say goodbye to our best friend Brett. He moved to Flagstaff, AZ to work on a Masters in Psychology. We through him a "Hipster" going away party, which he loved/hated. 

After Summer ended, we found the RCC and continued fertility treatments. Dr. Swelstad helped us understand much more of what was going on in my body and what we could do to fix it. 

In October two absolutely amazing things happened!

First, the Kings took us to St.George for a fun weekend away, which included seeing Mary Poppins, the musical at Tuacahn. Brittany cried... a lot! And thought it was the most magical thing she had ever seen! 

We also saw Thriller at Tuacahn, which was also AWESOME

And the second Amazing thing that happened in October was that the Boston Red Sox won the World Series! 

There was much celebrating in the King house! 

We spent the holidays with our families and enjoyed every minute of it. We had a wonderful and trying year full of blessings and growth. 

Happy New Year! Love, the Kings

May your 2014 be wonderful!