Ready or Not? Not.

It's already been 3 months since I was 3 months pregnant. 3 months since we found out we'd lost Baby Boston at 12 weeks. 3 months since my D&C at 13 weeks, because my body just couldn't let go of that little fetus. 3 months since I woke to the empty realization that my baby was gone.

Yep! That was me, already showing at 11 weeks.

3 MONTHS.

And while January felt like a hell that wouldn't end, the time since has raced passed me faster than I can believe. The break in my heart still feels like a fresh wound, and some days I still wake up expecting to be pregnant, thinking that surely I must have dreamed a terrible nightmare. I still wear the maternity leggings I had just purchased days before- partly because I wish I was still pregnant and partly because, let's be honest, they're too comfortable to give up. Why can't it be fashionably acceptable to wear stretchy pants all the time??? I mean, really! Aaaaand back on topic...

I can't believe its been 3 months.

I've been ready to be pregnant again since February, but that's easier said than done. I hoped that 3 months of pregnancy had healed my body, and by some miracle it would start working like it should. I dreamed that we would get pregnant by surprise- no doctors, no meds, not tests.

Nope!

So, now we face the decision to start Femara, again. Femara wasn't bad. It made me really sleepy, but that was hardly much to complain about after the havoc Clomid raged on my hormones and emotions. And I got pregnant the 3rd month I was on it, so the problem isn't about taking Femara. Its everything that comes with really starting to "try" again. For those of you who think, "Trying is the fun part!" SHUT UP! Trust me, you have obviously never "tried" to get pregnant. There is nothing fun about ultrasounds when there's no baby, having your blood drawn all the time,  and taking pee tests at the most accurate ovulation read time (which, by the way, takes about 4 minutes to season and is when you are at work, using the public restroom)

Right now, Tyler and I are so happy! We have found peace after the miscarriage. We have fallen more in love. And we are content. It's hard to maintain happy and content once you start the roller coaster of infertility again.

Like I said, were facing the time to decide at the end of this week... Well, my period just came 4 days early and took my time to decide!!! What a jerk. Just another reason to hate that damned messenger.

So, here I lay, exhausted, but wide awake. Weighing the pros and cons of starting Femara again tomorrow, or putting it off another month. Weighing what I want against what I can handle. And coming to the ultimate decision that, while I'm ready for a miraculous conception that takes no effort on my part (and not giving up on that idea!), I am not quite ready to head down the road of meds, and tests, and stress, and disappointment again just yet.

But, ya know what? That's okay. It's my life and it's Tyler's life. He loves me and he'll patiently wait for me, because he is just that amazingly cool. And because he knows that, eventually, I will be ready.

And someday, I will be pregnant again.

Xo.

So, it's okay! right?

Matthew 18: 3-4

3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Children are so much smarter than we are! They are not burdened or hardened by the world, yet. They think so simply. If only we could be that simple again!

I must share with you what were absolutely, by far, the most comforting words I got after our miscarriage. For a while this experience was just too dear to my heart to share. But I think we can all learn from the simple words of my 5 year old cousin.

Ava is a pretty amazing little girl, with parents that are even more amazing! What she taught me just goes to show what wonderful lessons she is being taught at home.

It was just a few weeks after our loss, and my Garrett cousins were gathered in my Grandma's kitchen. Sweet little Ava came over and tugged on my shirt for me to pick her up. She gave me the tightest hug and asked,
"Brittany, your baby died in your tummy?"
"Yes, sweetie. It did."
"I'm sorry." *another big hug*
"Oh, Thanks Ava!"
"But he's with Jesus! So, it's okay! Right?"
Blown away, I responded, "Uhh... Yeah... You are right!"

Wow. Just... Wow!

Those simple words meant more to me than anything anyone had said in the wake of our loss. I mean, really, "It's okay! Right?" Our baby really is with Jesus, and it really is okay!

Why don't we think like that? Why do we make everything so complicated? Why do we focus on so much negative? When, really, It's okay!

In continuing with our journey to be More Content and Less Bitter, I challenge you to consider your life and your trials with a more positive outlook.

I promise you, It's Okay!

XO.

A much Happier life.

When last I posted, I declared my resolve to be More Content and Less Bitter.

I'm happy to report a miraculous difference in how Tyler King and I feel. I promise, it feels as if the weight of the world has been lifted.

Bitterness is exhausting! More exhausting than I even realized. It was exhausting to constantly be comparing my life to others or hating other people for having what I want. What a waste of time. What does jealousy and bitterness get you? I'll tell you what you get:
scowl lines
heartburn
sleepless nights
fights
headaches
and an unhappy heart, just to name a few...
Basically, you get NOTHING GOOD!

What are you holding on to? What are you bitter about?

You have to make a choice. You have to make it NOW. You have to decide that you are done being sad or angry about whatever you feel is unfair or unjust in this life.
You have to say, "I am ready for a much happier life!"

Because happiness is a choice! I have definitely learned the truth of that. Despite all the crap that can encircle us and weigh down on us in life, there are ALWAYS beautiful blessings that angels stuff into the cracks of our sinking ships, and they keep us afloat. So, instead of worrying about sinking, we can be grateful we are still floating!

Because I refuse to sink into the depths of despair, I will conquer. I will be triumphant! I will come out of these trials a better and more courageous person. I will be a happier and more loving wife, daughter, sister, friend, and Mother. Because, while it feels never-ending, this will be such a small moment of my great life. Someday, when I am a happily exhausted wife and mother, I will look back and be so grateful I gave up bitterness and chose A Much Happier Life.

More content, less bitter.

"...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
Philippians 4:11

This was my Scripture of the Day Yesterday.

This is what comes up when you Google the word "content:"

con·tent¹

kənˈtent/

adjective

1. 1.

   in a state of peaceful happiness.

   "he seemed more content, less bitter"

Well, then!

Let's be honest, shall we?

I try to stay positive and hopeful through the struggles of infertility, and yes, the Lord has blessed me with peace since losing my first pregnancy at 12 weeks. 

But, honestly, am I content? Am I more content, and less bitter? That definition was so profound to me. 

I would like to think I am perfectly content, but, Ha! That would be a big ol' fat lie. Somedays I am a little bitter... okay, honestly, some days I am quite bitter. 

I get bitter, because there are teenagers having babies.

I get bitter, because there are women getting pregnant from one-night stands.

I get bitter, because there are women getting pregnant on birth control.

I get bitter, because there are couples who just say, "Baby!" and get pregnant.

I get bitter, when a mother with a crying baby says to me, "Are you sure you want one of these?" (Duh, lady! I didn't pay thousands of dollars to get pregnant, because I am unsure about having children)

I get bitter about the expense of infertility, taking medicine, having ultrasounds, getting my blood drawn, and peeing on sticks.

And I get bitter, because for 2 years we dreamed of finally becoming parents and when the dream, finally, came true it got cut short. 

So, yes, OKAY! Don't judge me! I am quite bitter some days. Not every day, but some days. Which, I guess, means that I am not so content...

What a profound affect this little scripture and definition have had on me! I NEED to be content. I need to be happy with where I am. This is my life! It's not going to change right now. I have to accept that and enjoy every minute of it. 

So, for now atleast, I am not peeing on sticks or getting my blood drawn every other week. I am going to be in a state of peaceful happiness. I am going to be content with my amazing husband. I am going to enjoy being an aunt to two perfectly adorable nephews before I get caught up being a mom to my own cute kids (Yes, my children will be the most darling gingers you've ever seen!)

What, in your life, is making you bitter? Give it up! Let it go! That is what I have to say today. Choose to be content. Choose to stop being bitter. Choose to change and be happy. That is all in your power.

Much love.

XO

Bravery

So, I finally read Divergent. GREAT BOOK. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend that you do. It has a beautiful message about accepting who you are, overcoming fear and becoming Brave. 

While I read, I thought a lot about things I am afraid of... which is a LOT of things.

I am afraid of the dark.
I am afraid of water deeper than I can see or stand.
I am afraid of stuffed animals- not the toys, the taxidermy- Like in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, and he screams for 2 minutes straight in the room with all the mounted heads.
I am not quite as afraid as I used to be of people dressed in character costumes, but I would probably still run, screaming if Chuck E. Cheese walked up to me.
I am afraid of heights.
I am afraid of confined spaces, whether caused by enclosed walls or a crowd.

I used to be afraid that I would never get pregnant... Now, I am afraid to be pregnant again. 

In Divergent, Four is explaining to Tris what it really means to be Brave, He says. "Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it."

That really stuck with me. I keep thinking that I have to become fearless to be this Brave person that I aspire to be. Then, I read that and think I am pretty courageous. I used to think that courage and bravery had to be huge, newsworthy, heroic acts. Now, I realize that the small steps we take toward overcoming our fears every day are brave. 

Bravery is walking into the postpartum unit to visit a friend who just had a baby, weeks after I woke up there knowing I had just lost mine.

Bravery is only needing to go to the bathroom once to cry during a baby shower.

Bravery is admitting heartache and crying in my husband's arms.

Bravery is staying strong to hold him while he cries.

Bravery is, finally, realizing that this is not a nightmare, that it has all been real, breathing deep, and no longer trying to "wake up."

Bravery is peeing on sticks again and hoping for the best.

Bravery is having faith in what the future holds.

So, be Brave and Live.

XO.

In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week...

I remember being in 4th or 5th grade when I started feeling self-conscious, comparing myself to other girls. I became acutely aware of my imperfections, and FAT became the word that I would consistently use to describe myself.

10 years old. Calling myself "fat" and hating my body at 10 years old. I shudder.

I struggled with my self image all through my teens. But I was 16 years old when I first experimented with what would become my drug of choice on and off for 4 years. No, I didn't smoke, shoot or snort anything.
My drug was my Anorexia. 

From 16 to 17 the experimentations were small, skipping breakfast and lunch but making sure to eat when anyone was watching. I did know deep down how wrong it was, but it felt so good I didn't want anyone to force me to stop.

What most people don't understand about eating disorders is that it is not all about weight. Yes, it starts that way, but that's not why the addiction grows. I became addicted to the high that I got from resisting to eat. I felt powerful. 

The teenage years are a time when most kids feel completely powerless. I know I did. There were family problems, death of loved ones, the stress of college applications, the stress of keeping up my grades, trying to make my parents proud, my first boyfriend, my first breakup, friendships that dissolved, jobs, and so on. While there was so much out of my control, food became what I could control.

By the end of my senior year and the summer before college I could go as many as 4 days on nothing but an apple, then eat a meal, and then go another 4 days. I did my best to avoid situations involving food, because if I did then I would have to eat in front of people. When I did have to eat, there would be days of remorse and self hatred to follow. Food became a reward/punishment system, rather than a nutrition system.

I got less than an A on a test or paper - I didn't get to eat.
I got an A - I got a food allowance.
I got in a fight with my mom - I didn't get to eat.
I endured my first breakup - I went days without food.
and so on...

Just like drugs, an eating disorder affects you physically, emotionally, and it affects those around you. When an eating disorder takes over your life, it makes you a liar. You lie about when you ate and what you ate. It promises you all of your hopes and dreams, but it leaves you miserable and with nothing. By the end of the summer, weeks before I was to leave for college, the weight of my pain and the lies became too great. I broke down and told my parents.

They were heartbroken, and so was I. There was talk of not sending me to college, but I was dead-set on going. I promised to change. We made an honesty pact about meals- I had to check in about food and be honest, even if I hadn't eaten I had to say that. Feeling "cured" I left for college.

The interesting thing that I learned, as all who have suffered an eating disorder can testify of, is that you are never cured. Just like an alcoholic is never not an alcoholic, I will always be recovering from my eating disorder.

Well, I started school with much gusto, healthy eating and started going to the gym with my aunt. Just a month into school, in the swing of classes and a budding relationship, my old habits creeped back up. The guilt, the hatred, the depression found place in my head again. This time my lack of nutrition was coupled with a workout schedule - NOT good.

I let this endure for months. Excusing my workout exhaustion with late nights, and not the fact that I hadn't eaten more than a few hundred calories in a few days. The night I forced myself to throw up dinner scared me enough to make an appointment with the Psychologist at my university, and confess to my parents that I had relapsed.

From here on out relapsed about every 3- 6 months, until the summer of 2009. That was my last BIG relapse. After a major life upset and deep soul-searching,
I discovered who I actually was for the first time in my life. 

Would you like to know what I discovered? 
I figured out that I am, actually, a pretty great person!
I discovered that my body is a gift from God and that I should treat it with love and respect. He had created me with love, and I was repaying him by destroying it.
I discovered that I was smart, that I knew better about how to take care of my health.
I discovered that I could help others by being open about my struggles.
I discovered that I didn't need a guy to make me happy or tell me who I should be.
I could live for myself and be who I wanted to be, not what a guy wanted me to be.
I found the love of my Savior. I discovered Him in a way that was undeniable and that filled me with Hope.
I discovered that I could be BRAVE!

For the first time since I was 16, I knew that I wanted to be better. This time I was committed to being honest and getting better. And for the first time since I was 16, I was truly HAPPY!!!

Have I been perfect since that discovery? No. Because, as I have said, I have accepted that this is an addiction that will always haunt me. However, as the years go by my relapses are fewer and farther between, and mostly just a relapse of desire. There are even years where I go on like I have never struggled at all. Loss of control is what will get me every time, but I know that. And I acknowledge it. I am blessed with a loving husband and parents who support me and love me. I am open and honest when I struggle, and I always power through!

Life is beautiful! You are beautiful! Don't doubt that. God loves you and he made you exactly as you are, because that is who you should be!

Love yourself, Love your God and life will be so much better!

I leave you with a poem that is dear to me about my struggle and discovery.

XO
Brittany

THIS IS NATIONAL EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK http://nedawareness.org/about

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER, PLEASE GET HELP! AN ED CAN LEAD TO SEVERE HEALTH PROBLEMS AND CAN BE DEADLY. YOU CAN BE BRAVE! VISIT http://nedawareness.org/ TO GET HELP.